Lean on His strength

I finally slept last night, I slept good, I'm talking deep, deep sleep, where all the dreams I remember had nothing to do about Chloe, adoption, flying, or Korea, it was a welcome relief.

Ever since I got that call on Wednesday I've been walking around in a fog, a fog of distraction, a fog of to-dos and a fog of fear.  I feel like this time around I know what I'm getting myself into and while it's something I love getting into, I know that there is a road before me filled with some very uncomfortable moments.

Many of those moments will occur within a few days time, telling our daughter's foster mother goodbye, watching Chloe grieve and begin to adjust, flying home on a long flight with a 1 year old, who has known us for about 2 days.

My hope is that I can somehow let go of my fear, to allow God to handle the big and the little going on right now.  To enjoy this process, after all I am going on a kid free trip with my husband, something that hasn't happened in a very long time.  To try and figure out how (I never can) to live in the moment, this one the one I'm in right now.  To not miss my kids yet, because they're right next to me, to not be scared of flying yet because I'm not on an airplane, to not worry about meeting Chloe yet because that's days down the road.

God is always using my life circumstances to remind me that I cannot do this on my own, but I can do this with His help, if I let Him lead me and lean on His strength, I've got this.

It's time!

We got the call, THE call.  We are soon to be in Korea meeting our precious baby girl, Chloe.

Will you pray for us, it is the only reason that last time went so smoothly.  Please pray for God to go before us and prepare our path.  Please pray for God to prepare our daughter's heart to say goodbye to her foster family and become part of her forever family.

Now it's off to make some lists...

A week of many lists

I've been busy making lists over here.  In my life there was a distinct time when I went from being care-free to being a list maker.  When I was in 6th grade I went through a phase where I was forgetting something of importance everyday, a clarinet here, a lunch there, a paper over there.  I wasn't doing it to be rebellious, I'm just a bit scattered.

My mind rushes about, when thinking of one thing it quickly leads to another and I cannot seem to hold on to all my thoughts long enough to make do without a list.  So my father made me this little notebook with a kind note on it (I still have it, although all the papers are used up) for me to make my list every night of what I needed to bring the next day and therefore stop leaving items behind.

It was one of the great lessons of my life and to this day, I make lists, about everything.  The more frantic I feel the more lists I'll make.  When we're about to leave for a trip I'll have about 3 or 4 different lists going, to-pack, to-do, things to-do on vacation, and (I'm totally for real) to-do before we leave, containing things like brush teeth, lock doors, turn off lights, take out trash, breathe in and out (ok I made that one up).

Lists, just make me feel better, once I think of something I can write it down (and I am a pen and paper girl) and have more space in my head for other thoughts.  Because of them I've become fairly good and not forgetting things.  Plus there is something deeply satisfying about crossing something off of a to-do list, proof of a task accomplished.

So you could imagine how many lists sprung to my mind when we found out this week that our baby girl has her visa physical scheduled!  For those of you not involved in an international adoption right now, that is really good news, we're almost there, after her physical they need to process the paperwork and her visa will then be issued.  We expect to get the travel call by the end of the month.

To-do, to buy for Chloe, to buy for foster mom and social workers, to pack, to clean, to put together for the kids, to read, to buy in Korea, you get the idea.  I'm a woman of many lists this week, I'm so glad for the lesson taught to me all those years ago, for every time I write something down I feel a little calmer, a little more in control, a little more like I can do this.  I can do this right?

All I want for Valentine's is you

When we found out that Chloe was not coming home in 2010, I remained calm, I kept my eyes focused on Him and His peace guarded my heart.  When January rolled around and Kyle began to feel the sadness of a child missing, I remained unchanged, God's timing is perfect and I trust him.

But then February showed up on the calendar, it was really 2011, the second month in and not only was my daughter not home, we were still a few steps away from brining her here.  I began to unravel.  Somedays I would place the kiddos in bed and pull up my email, certain that today was the day, the day to see an email saying her emigration permit had been approved, our last major hurdle before we could go get her.  When once again my inbox lacked that jewel of an email I would become angry, and take all of my anger out on that refresh button, hitting it again and again, like a crazy person thinking that if I just refreshed the screen one more time, that email would be there.

Yesterday as I sat in church I felt God undoing me further.  I was angry at Him, I was losing my patience, and I had forgotten who He really was.  Every song I sang made me cry, every word the preacher said reached down into my soul, God speaking to me, do I have your attention.  Finally I could resist Him no more, if you're going to break me into pieces, put me back together more beautiful, a vessel filled with your glory.  Forgiveness was sought for the sins I had begun to wallow in.  His goodness and his timing were made real to me again.  And the pain and sadness that I had so desperately tried to ignore, I allowed in, and instead of ruin, I felt healing.

This morning I turned on my computer so that I could send an email to someone, not thinking for a moment of the email I had been longing for, and yet there it was.  Chloe's emigration permit has been approved.  We're in the home stretch now, it could still be a couple of months, but she is almost home.  This morning when I woke up I sat half way asleep and prayed, Father please just tell me when she'll be home, reassure me.  And today on this day of love He did that for me.

Happy Valentine's day friends!

News?

I know that many of you want to know what's going on with our current adoption of our daughter, Chloe.  I often want to know what's going on with our adoption too...if I actually took the time and energy to focus on this adoption I would be probably be a touch frustrated and entirely sad, so honestly it is something that I don't think about very much.  I've allowed myself to buy a couple things here and there, some clothes that still had tags on at the Goodwill, some bows at the grocery store, fabric for the curtains in her room and this part of getting ready for her is fun and helps me feeling like I'm doing something productive.

So as you can guess from the above, we don't have much in the way of news, timelines, or the like, but we did get some good news, not very exciting news but good all the same.  About two weeks ago, Chloe's paperwork for her permission to leave Korea was submitted.  Once this is approved there are several steps that need to happen in order to get the call for travel (to pick up Chloe), but this first step really gets the ball rolling in that direction.  My prediction is that we still have about two months to wait.  My prayer is that prediction is completely wrong and we'll be heading to Korea in a few weeks.  My hope is that she'll be home by her first birthday which is towards the end of March.

Chloe's bedroom was formerly a loft connected to our bedroom and the project to build a wall and turn it into a nursery is now complete.  We still need to paint the trim, and by we I mean my hubby who has single-handedly done all the work.  I have a sweet friend who made Chloe a beautiful baby quilt and because it was so beautiful I just couldn't use my nursery decor I used with Kylynn and Jack, so she's making me a bumper and crib skirt from the fabric she used to make the quilt.  I'm so excited to have a girly room for Chloe.

I have been praying that God would prepare our hearts and our family for our new little girl and most of all that God would prepare her for the very difficult transition of leaving Korea and coming to our family.  I know that the older she gets the harder it will be on all of us and I'm praying for wisdom on helping her in her grief.  As always we would love your prayers for our family and Chloe's adoption.  The fact that you continue to encourage us, ask about the progress, and pray for us is one of the great blessings in my life.

*Here you go Jessie, new pictures of the kiddos, thank you Laura, they are beautiful and you are so talented.

Nesting

I don't know when my baby girl will be coming home, but I have faith that it will be this year, 2011, and it will be soon.  We know that the US has finished processing all of her paperwork for her visa, and it was sent over to Korea in December.  My thought and my hope is that will mean for quick processing once Korea finishes processing her paperwork.  My prayer is she is home before her first birthday in March.

These past few days we have been a buzz of activity, working on all those house projects that had built up over the past six months that we want to have done before our Chloe comes home.  In short, I have been nesting and it has been wonderful.

I have gone through all the bedrooms, the kitchen, and the playroom and gotten rid of the things we don't need or were replaced with Christmas gifts.  We've gotten both kids in new twin beds, Jack's first "big boy bed."  We set up some shelves that were given to us and organized the playroom, with a place for all the toys now.  This week an electrician is coming out to fix the wiring in Chloe's room, then once he's done the contractor will come in and do the sheet rock, and then the fun begins.  We have all the paint ready to go once the wall is up and after that we have everything we need to set up a nursery just for her.

Right now I sit in excitement that these projects are getting accomplished, and I can feel God readying not just our home but also our hearts for our daughter, but I know that soon I will have run out of things to do to get ready and the pain of the wait will set in, but my hope is in that, God will not give me more than I can handle and that He will bring her home to us in His perfect timing.

For now I fill my head with color schemes and room layouts, with the promise of a sun filled room and tiny little clothes folded in drawers.  A room with a chair I can sit in and rock and dream of her, and what it will feel like to hold her in my arms, what it will feel like for a heart to grow to love one more person this much.

Enough about you, let's talk about me

I've often wondered if there is some common character trait that all bloggers share, if there is I think it would have to be an ability to always bring the conversation back to ourselves, I kid...kind of.

But since we're talking about bloggers, and I'm a blogger, and this is my blog, let's talk about me.  Thank you, each one of you, who has been praying for me, after being dealt the blow of learning that Chloe's adoption process is on a two+ month hold.  I have felt your prayers, in a big way, God has reached down and picked up the sadness I was carrying around like a wet blanket, and I feel peace and joy, for the first time in a long time.  It's bigger than me, so I've stopped trying to understand it, but I feel ready to wait for God to bring her home in His time and I feel blessed to enjoy this time as a family of four with as much fun as we can squeeze in.

One of the ways God is filling me up with joy is through the love of strangers.  When a stranger shows me kindness I am always overcome.  In their kindness I see Him, using their hands and feet, to say, you are loved.  The other day I was at the grocery store with both kids, after they had spent a nap-free day at school.  This equals crazy children, and sweaty and stressed mommy.  I was walking down the cereal aisle and Kylynn was dancing around and got in the way of an elderly gentleman walking the opposite direction.  I asked Kylynn to get out of his way, in I'm sure, a very exasperated voice.  He looked at me with such kindness, saying, "I'm in no hurry, she can keep on dancing, before you know it they'll be old enough to do the shopping for you."  I wanted to hug him, instead I just thanked him and hoped he didn't notice that I was about to cry.

This Saturday, our town had a miniature horse show at the expo center, it was free to go, so you know we were all about it.  We took the kids out and of course they were in heaven, horses just their size!  Jack was standing in the stands doing his donkey impression (close enough) and it's a really good one.  This lady just fell in love with him and asked us if we would all like to come and meet her horses.  She took us over and introduced us to a few horses, let us pet them, and let Kylynn walk one.  Her daughter was showing that day and she shared with us their story of how they came to be involved with miniature horses.  I cannot tell you how kind she was to our family, how nice it was to have a conversation that was real, with a woman who's name I will never know.

I walked away that day carefully holding something beautiful, yet fragile, I could feel it's weight and see it's beauty.  God had given me the gift of seeing His love in everything around me, and I held it close and smiled.

Truth be told, I still don't have a clue why Chloe can't come home today.  But I have finally, picked my feet up off the ground, stopped dragging them, and allowed God to drive the car.  Who knew being a passenger could feel this free, this light.  The wind is blowing through my hair and joy has settled deep in my heart.

When God says No

It is easy to love you, to worship you, to sing your praises when the blessings abound, when my heart only knows joy and peace is my constant companion.  And those times are good, they are worthy, they teach me about who You are and how You love.

But it is when You tell me no* that I have the chance to grow, to be made into your image, to show the world what it is that makes me different, that makes You different.  The no, seems all wrong, even knowing what a small piece of the puzzle I see, I can't imagine why a no would be better than a yes, why empty arms could be better than ones filled up with love.  But I can't seem to find my anger, all I feel is an assurance heavy in my heart, and a need to praise, to obey, to worship, and be made whole.

You have yet to answer my questions, for you do not answer to me, so I will never really know all the parts of the puzzle that you were creating.  But I have learned, through years of just almost understanding, I finally believe that indeed You have a plan for me, a plan to give me a future and a hope.  You have convinced me that You are still good, in all ways good, even when you say no, to a plan I had all worked out in my head.

You had whispered to me months ago, that I was praying for the wrong thing and I quietly switched, so I suppose you didn't really tell me no.  For I began to pray for your timing, for her to come to me when it is time, once you've completed that which needs to be done, the work in my heart, the work in others, the part of the puzzle You're building right now.  And you will always say Yes to prayers that speak your work into this world, and so I will continue to pray for Your timing and for the hope you have promised to create in me.

*We got news today that there will be no more children permitted to leave Korea this year, the quota has been met.  In January our process will pick up where it was left off.

How He loves

I'm just going to level with y'all, I've got me some post-baby assignment blues.  Oh yes, that's a real thing, trust me.  The time between when you've been handed a picture of your baby and when you're allowed to bring your baby home is the suckiest part of adoption.  You can quote me on that.

I went back and read through my posts during this time in 2008 just to make sure I felt this way last time (I did) and then I went and read my agency's guidebook to make sure they say you'll fee this way (they do).  So I guess that makes me feel a little better, I may be sad, but I'm supposed to be sad, so there's that.

Adoption is such a time of learning about yourself and about your relationship with God.  For me it is one of the fires that God has asked me to walk through in order to refine me, so I keep praying that I walk through it well, that I don't come out of this unchanged.  It hurts, God, please don't let the hurt go to waste, if I'm going to hurt, please use it to make me more like You.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and I had one of those revelations, when you say something out loud and realize that you have just stated a deep truth that you were not conscious of until that moment.

I told her that I had been from the beginning preparing myself that this adoption was going to be different from Jack's adoption, that no two adoptions are the same.  But I never considered that this adoption was going to be different in positive ways, that it would be faster (not slower), that we would get a girl (a miracle), that she would have no medical needs (not lots).  I realized that this stems from one of the lies I believe about God, that I can't fully trust Him, that I need to be on watch for the bad things coming my way.  I do not fully or maybe even partly understand the way God loves me.

I haven't made much progress since my revelation because here I sit, sure that God is not going to bring Chloe home by Christmas, that it's going to take forever and that I'm not going to be able to handle all that waiting.

The good news is, my perception of God, the lies I believe, are just that, and it will never change who He really is.  He's teaching me right now, who He really is, the ways He really loves, the all consuming power that belongs to Him alone, and the trust that He has earned.  And I'm learning, really slowly, but I'm learning.  When I look back on this adoption, on this time of waiting, I will see that through the fire I learned one of the most important lessons of my life, how He loves.

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God."  -The Bible, Ephesians 3:17-19

The God of the small

Chloe.  My mind needs to be thinking about grocery lists and chores and the two children that already live in my home, but it won't listen, it keeps being pulled back, one name repeated throughout the day, Chloe.

For the first six months of her life, I didn't know yet that she was mine, I didn't know to worry about how much she was eating and sleeping, I didn't know to pray for her to somehow, someway know who I am when I come to get her.

And it is not time to come and get her, is it, yet?  It has been a mere handful of days and already I cannot stand the time ticking away, day one, day ten, she is still not here.

Making a future for her here in her home in her family consumes me.  I have lists for everything that needs to be done in order for my perfect plan to work out.  Christmas lists, the shopping must be done early.  Shopping lists, I will need bottles and formula, and diapers, and something that is only hers.  To-do lists, I need to get her big brother out of her crib and decide what pieces of furniture go where, buy some new pieces to complete the sets, buys some gifts for her second mama, cleaning that won't get done once I am (really) a mommy to three.

My mind spins so I began to walk in little circles, I see something to be done in this room, oh no something bigger to be done in this room, then a child pulls me another direction, and I feel overwhelmed.

I stop and and I pray and I tell Him the truth, the truth is all I have the energy for these days.  I want her home now and it hurts deep down that she is mine and I am not the one to rock her to sleep each night and I am impatient and anxious and doing everything all wrong.

He sends me outside to enjoy the beautiful day, to read a book that will take me far away, he reminds me that He is the God of not just the big but also the God of the small, for it is all the same to Him.  He tells me that He can even handle baby clothes and walls to be built, He will handle papers to be processed and reprocessed when necessary, He will lay out the plan for my life and isn't that what I've been asking for all along.

Then finally I look up at the sky, so blue that it is only of the Creator that I can think, and I breathe in deep and I hear Him.  "Your ways are not My ways, declares the Lord...My word will not return empty, but will accomplish what I desire...instead of a thornbrush, a pine, instead of briers the myrtle will grow."

The hole inside of me is filled with what it was hungry for all along, my mind is stilled, and for now I am able to trust again, in His plan, in His timing, in His goodness.

Q&A

I've gotten some good questions about Chloe over the past few days as the news has spread and I thought I'd share those answers in case you've got questions of your own.

*How old is she?  Sorry about that y'all, I can't believe I forgot to include that in the first post, she is 6 months old this week.

*Is she cute?  No, she is beautiful.  She is perhaps the cutest little baby I've ever seen, ok tied with two other babies.

*Are you nervous?  So far I wouldn't describe any of my emotions as anxiety.  I am eager, excited, surprised, and emotional, but not nervous.  Strange as this sounds, this path feels smooth to me, if I was pregnant with a child I would be a thousand times more nervous.

*Why Chloe?  Her name has taken me a whole week to get used to, I love her name very much, but it was never a name that I would have come up with for naming my child, but when I looked at her Korean  name, God told me that her name was to be Chloe, which was very close to part of her Korean name.

*What about her middle name?  Chloe will keep her Korean name as her middle name, as Jack did.

*Where will she sleep?  We have a loft bedroom upstairs that is connected to our bedroom, we are having the open wall built in, so that it can be a nursery.

*Since you got a referral quickly, does it mean this next stage will go quickly?  No, unfortunately the two stages are not related, we got a baby quickly because there were a lot of babies at this moment in need of families and not a lot of families.  The time it takes to bring Chloe home depends on paperwork getting approved/not getting lost when it goes through the Korean government.  The average wait time is 4 to 6 months, we're praying it will take less than 3 and we'll have her home by Christmas.

*Will you go and pick her up?  Yes.  We traveled to pick up Jack and we fell in love with Korea, we cannot wait to go back there again, to buy some things we should have bought the first time around, and to begin the bonding process with Chloe as soon as we can.

*What does Jack and Kylynn think?  I wish I would have video taped, Kylynn's response when we told her she was getting a sister.  She put her hands over her face and said Oh my!  She wasn't just excited, she seemed overwhelmed by the news, she looked like a mini-adult.  She is, as she was with Jack, very happy to add another child to our family, she is looking forward to having another sibling to boss around.  Jack seems to understand completely to the extent that a two year old can understand this.  When his friend came over to play yesterday, he came and asked for Chloe's pictures and took them over to show his friend.  He is very proud of having Chloe for a sister and understands that she will be coming home soon, but is in Korea right now, just like he once was.  Her arrival will rock his little world I know, but he already loves her.

*Do you need help with anything?  We're doing really well, the thing we need most is your prayers.  When it gets close to crunch time I'm sure I'll need some help watching my kiddos while I get things done.

If I missed a question, ask away, I may not answer you, but you're always welcome to ask.

Meet Chloe*

We found out this week that we have been assigned a baby.  I pretty much thought that the social worker on the other end of the line was making some kind of mistake, because we've only been waiting 2 months and when we started this whole process they said the wait time would be 18 months and though that number has slowly trickled down to smaller and smaller numbers, two months is just impossible.  So I prayed she wouldn't realize her mistake until it was too late and said, "that's great!"

Then she said the words that took all the things I knew to be certain and turned them upside down.  "She's a beautiful baby girl."**  Can I tell you that my responses both times I've received a child assignment and the one time I received the okay to travel call, sound so different in my head than they do out loud.  I said something like, "Okay, that's great, please send me the information."  When inside my head I was screaming, "Oh my, I can't believe this, this isn't supposed to happen, we're not allowed to get a girl, I'm so excited, what's going on!"

When I saw her picture for the first time I cried and praised God and my first thought was, so you've got something planned for Kylynn, huh?  If you remember that little one refused to put God in the box that I had been telling her to, the "adoption agency says we just don't qualify for a girl" box.  She just went right on praying for the sister she wanted, she remember what somehow I had forgotten, God is bigger than our agency and can give us the children He has for us, anyway He wants.  Even if that's being given a perfect baby girl after just two months of waiting.

I am really still in shock, there was no room in my head for it being a girl, I had all the details of having two boys decided in my head and I'm having to start all over again.

Something really neat happened to me again this time around.  I had never dreamed of Jack until the night before I got the call that we could travel to pick him up, my defenses are that good and the waiting for your baby during this phase is painful.  But the night before we were told we were free to bring him home I had the most wonderful dream about holding him and feeding him and being his mommy.  Well the night before I got the phone call that we had been assigned Chloe, I dreamed for the first time of having our new baby home but in my dream it was a girl.  When I woke up I thought that was odd, but really didn't think anything of it of course until I got that phone call a few hours later.

If you're the praying kind, please pray that God would prepare our hearts and our home (literally we're building in her room) for baby Chloe.  Please also join us in praying that God would bring her home by Christmas, as He did with Jack.

*We haven't decided yet whether to spell it Chloe or Khloe
**I'm sorry there are no pictures...our agency asks us not to post too much information online, I will post pictures once I get her in my arms, I promise.

A real update

We've reached the magical time again, where we've been saying we're adopting long enough for people to want some updates, like a real update.

Unfortunately, I usually disappoint.  But not today, today I have an update.  Well, it's really not that exciting as far as steps in the adoption process goes, but it's an update and I'll take what I can get.

Today we completed our fingerprints or biometrics as they are officially called.  We had to drive an hour and half to Houston, we arrived 45 minutes early, and instead of acting like red tape, this government office said that was okay, put us in line and had us out of there five minutes later!  That's right, 5! minutes later.

This is especially good news since we took both of our kiddos to the appointment with us, can I just say how much money I would pay to have one of those glass screens they have in limos, that we could put up to block out the shrieking of the kiddos.  They're not doing anything wrong, they're just really loud with all their giggling and screaming, right next to your ear.

So there you go, a real official update.  We have successfully completed another step in the journey to bring home our baby.

It's in the mail!

I mailed in our home study to the government today, yipee!  We are officially in the second of three stages in the adoption process (I'm totally making this up as I go, but for me it can be divided into three stages).  Now we wait.  We are in line, so to speak, in Korea for a baby and when it becomes our turn and they have a baby that they feel would do best in our family they'll contact us.  Then in case you're wondering you enter stage three and wait again for permission to go pick them up.

So that's where it stands right now and I feel relieved.  This time around getting all the paperwork in order and sent off too us an extra month compared to last time, so to know that we've finally gotten everything we need to be in line to have a child assigned feels amazing.

On another note we are having a really great lazy summer.  I even have felt bored a time or two, which was if you recall, one of my goals.  I'll post soon some pictures and video of Kylynn's swim lessons, which went really well.  Also I'm making over our study so I'll let you see that project when I'm done with it.

Blessed

We had our home study this morning, it was quick and painless, as I thought it would be. I knew what to expect this time and I even knew who to expect as we had the same social worker coming out to do it. We had seen her less than a year ago for our final visit for Jack's adoption, so it was all very familiar.

Now the abyss of waiting begins. Once this home study makes it way over to Korea in a couple of weeks we will be placed in line, so to speak, for a child. This next phase will take over a year if all things stay the same, but with this type of thing you just never know it could be less or more time depending on a thousand factors.

The reality of our child coming home to us in the future is only on the fringe of my thinking. I don't allow myself to think of it too often and never for more than a fleeting moment. I allow myself the excitement of thinking someday we will be a family of five, but refuse to dwell on the wait that lies ahead of us. It's a coping strategy that I used with Jack's adoption and it served me well, so as strange as it seems I'll remain in a type of denial until an actual child is assigned to us.

Lately I've been trying to have a conversation with myself about the fact that there is no guarantee that this adoption will be anything like the last one. Unfortunately it's easy to think I know what to expect, that I already know every step on the path laid out ahead of me. I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for disappointment and confusion if I don't try to enter this adoption as a new experience, as familiar as it seems.

I've been thinking about names lately, not specific names, just a random thought of a name here a name there, of what type of name we will want to give him. With Jack I was careful to not think about names until we had an actual child to name, I hope this is not a sign of impatience.

Some of you have told me you're praying for us and again I feel the privilege of walking through this experience with a group of people we love who support us so well that I know I can walk the long road ahead. I often reflect on how so many of you have embraced us and our decisions on how we want to build our family and carried us through the difficult times, when you could have just kept your focus on your own lives. Blessed does not fully describe it, but it's the best I can do, we are blessed.

Paper Trail

I've finally gotten my butt in gear and have been getting the paperwork needed for the home study done. I spent this morning getting some forms signed by the kids' doctor, that ended up sending me on a wild goose chase to correct Jack's medical records and locate Kylynn's. Let's just say there is a bit too much bureaucracy at Scott and White, but the people are really very helpful and a supervisor spent most of her day making phone calls on my behalf and then updating me on our progress.

I've gotten almost everything done, I still need to get the questionnaires to two of our four references, fill out a sheet on our household budget, and have a check-up/blood work for Kyle and I, but the appointment at least has been made. (If you want to pray for me, please pray I don't pass out while having my blood drawn, remember the fainting goats post).

All that to say in two weeks I should have everything complete and mailed into our agency, so that they can send out a worker to do another home study on us. And to say, I'm tired. I don't remember it being this hard last time around.

It's starting to become real to me, as I fill out each paper, I carve a little bit more space in my heart for this new baby. My thoughts turn to him more and more and I've started remembering to pray for him (timing is of course something that always changes, but most likely the birth mom is pregnant with our child right now).

It's a scary and awesome place to stand, the beginning of a journey, not knowing what twists and turns the path will take, and I'm remembering how life changing this one is. I'm looking forward to the journey as much as to the end result, to the stretching of my faith, to the lessons learned, and most of all to the times when I stop and draw near to God and rest in Him and awe at this wonder of adoption that He created and allowed me to walk in.

The good and the gooder

Good news: I got an email from my agency and our application has been approved, our file has been sent over to Korea and we now begin a bunch of steps to prepare a file on who we are and then wait for our baby. I spoke with the agency doing our home study and we should be able to get that going really soon. So away we go!

Gooder news: (Yes I know gooder is not a word and typically I hate when I hear grown adults use it, but today it is the right word for this post) Jack does not need any work done by the plastic surgeon at this time. He felt like the holes in Jack's mouth are getting smaller and it would not be worth the risk to do another repair at this time. WooHoo! So Jack is now only having a surgery to put ear tubes in and although he will need general anesthesia, it should be very quick and painless. My stress level has gone down considerably.

Thank you for all your prayers, they really mean the world to me, and help me to be a much calmer person :).

Dear Jack,

I hope that someday I'll be able to express to you the way you were anticipated, prayed for, and celebrated. I hope that in the times you find life to be hard or you perhaps try to think no one loves you, the number of people who called and wrote me crying and praising God for you yesterday will carry you through. I hope that you will be strong enough to be just who you are, your story is unique but I hope you take pride in that. I hope you stand tall that the Lord has such plans for you that He would give you three mothers who love you, two countries to call your own, and to have God worked miracle after miracle in your short 9 months.

Someday I'll understand this miracle of adoption better, right now I'm just walking in obedience and love and anticipation. It is only by faith that I know what I'm doing, practically speaking I have no idea how to raise a son, how to deal with the issues of being an "interracial family", how to help you through the certain hurts of not knowing your birth mother or father. But I promise you to always pray over my decisions for you, to walk in faith, to trust God's plan for your life, to parent you by the only Book that gives me true answers, the Bible, and to say I'm sorry when I mess up.

I've missed you for a long time, I cannot wait to meet you. Your big sister is so excited. Yesterday she gave me a long list of all the things she's going to do for you. Today she said, I'm ready for my baby brother to come home! We all are and this is going to be the best Christmas ever. I love you baby boy and if I'd go to the ends of the earth to get you once, I'll do it again, don't forget that.

My hands have finally stopped shaking

We got the call this morning that Jack is ready for us to go and get him. Now we have the task of arranging hotels, flights, childcare for Kylynn, luggage, and on and on so that we can go. We are trying to book the flight/hotel right now, as soon as I know more I will share.

Please pray for us that my hands will continue to not shake (feel the Lord's peace and prescence), that He works out all this crazy travel perfectly so we can go quickly, that He would calm Kylynn down (she has picked up on the frenzy and is worried), and take care of the million of details, most of all that Jack would feel safe and loved with Kyle and I.

Thank you for all your prayers, I will write more I promise about this miracle that God has worked out every step of the way...I'm so glad I didn't miss out on this.

November is Adoption Awareness month

I hope to focus this month on some topics that bring awareness and attention to adoption since November is Adoption Awareness month. I wasn't quite sure where to start so I thought the best place to start is always pray. Would you consider joining me to pray for adoption related issues every day in November or once a week in November. Here is a list of issues that you can pray over if you would like or please pray as God leads you.

1. God would care for the orphans all over the world, providing for their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
2. Every orphan would someday have a family of his very own.
3. God would speak into the hearts of families he would like to adopt waiting children and they would be bold to obey.
4. God would provide the financial assistance to families involved in the adoption process.
5. Processes would be put in place that are easier, quicker, and yet still safe for future adoptions.
6. God would comfort and draw near to Himself those mothers and fathers who are grieving after placing their child with an adoptive family.
7. People involved in adoption (children, birth parents, adoptive parents, agencies) will see God in this miracle and be drawn into a relationship with Him.
8. God would provide the strength and patience needed for those who work in orphanages around the world.
9. Children in orphanages would be cared for well, somebody will pick them up to hold them out of love at least once a day.
10. God would bless waiting parents with peace, patience, and a good support network.

I you would like to pray for adoption in relation to my family you can pray for:
1. Jack would be home by Christmas.
2. God would provide/work out details for a cleft team to perform needed surgeries on Jack.
3. God would be preparing our hearts, Kylynn's heart, Jack's heart for us all to bond together as a family, to know and love each other well.
4. For details of travel, care of Kylynn to be taken care of and to go well.
5. For continued guidance in our role in caring for orphans and the possibility of future adoption(s).