For the first six months of her life, I didn't know yet that she was mine, I didn't know to worry about how much she was eating and sleeping, I didn't know to pray for her to somehow, someway know who I am when I come to get her.
And it is not time to come and get her, is it, yet? It has been a mere handful of days and already I cannot stand the time ticking away, day one, day ten, she is still not here.
Making a future for her here in her home in her family consumes me. I have lists for everything that needs to be done in order for my perfect plan to work out. Christmas lists, the shopping must be done early. Shopping lists, I will need bottles and formula, and diapers, and something that is only hers. To-do lists, I need to get her big brother out of her crib and decide what pieces of furniture go where, buy some new pieces to complete the sets, buys some gifts for her second mama, cleaning that won't get done once I am (really) a mommy to three.
My mind spins so I began to walk in little circles, I see something to be done in this room, oh no something bigger to be done in this room, then a child pulls me another direction, and I feel overwhelmed.
I stop and and I pray and I tell Him the truth, the truth is all I have the energy for these days. I want her home now and it hurts deep down that she is mine and I am not the one to rock her to sleep each night and I am impatient and anxious and doing everything all wrong.
He sends me outside to enjoy the beautiful day, to read a book that will take me far away, he reminds me that He is the God of not just the big but also the God of the small, for it is all the same to Him. He tells me that He can even handle baby clothes and walls to be built, He will handle papers to be processed and reprocessed when necessary, He will lay out the plan for my life and isn't that what I've been asking for all along.
Then finally I look up at the sky, so blue that it is only of the Creator that I can think, and I breathe in deep and I hear Him. "Your ways are not My ways, declares the Lord...My word will not return empty, but will accomplish what I desire...instead of a thornbrush, a pine, instead of briers the myrtle will grow."
The hole inside of me is filled with what it was hungry for all along, my mind is stilled, and for now I am able to trust again, in His plan, in His timing, in His goodness.