Bless the Lord, O my soul

Have you heard 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman, isn't it wonderful.  Every time I hear it I bow down inside, I remember to wipe away this coating the world has put on my eyes and look around me at what is true.  Every time I sing those words, "whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes," I open my hands back up, I losen my grip on what I've laid claim to, and turn to face my day ready to receive the gifts He has for me, even those that seem scary at first glance.  It makes me want to learn how to count His blessing better, to each night arrive at 10,000 and start all over again the next day.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, I will worship your Holy name, in praise and thanksgiving of

This one, who prayed for me this morning that I would spend time reading my Bible and have restful alone time.  Just hearing her pray those words changed my outlook on the day, how did she know just how to pray, how did God ever see it fit to allow me to raise her.  Who takes two full minutes when I drop her off at school to make sure to give us all long hugs and big kisses and then stands outside the car signing I love you with the biggest smile you've ever seen.

Finishing this book and loving it so much that I plan to flip it back over and start all over again.  To find my struggles written so beautifully on the page and see how God can work to heal the sins that nag me and the fears that haunt me.  To be reminded that the spiritual discipline of thanksgiving is powerful and so very necessary.

This one who had a dry diaper two nights in a row.  Who looked at me when I lost my cool and said, I'm going to give you a hug and a kiss, mommy.  He overwhelms me with his patience and his soft heart and his courage, oh to have courage like him.  For the second time he cleaned up the playroom by himself in order to get a treat and the few moments of a picked up house soothed over the rough spots in my day.

Watching this documentary* and knowing I still have part two waiting for me.  It made me cry so hard it hurt and I actually punched something I was so angry.  But it is always good to remember what I am here for, it is always important to understand that the comforts of my life do not entitle me to turn away from the darkness and the battle against it.  To hear His voice remind me that I need only continue to seek Him and obey, always obey, and daily to pray and pray again.

This little one who could not be cuter which brings me such joy and sadness, knowing that really soon she will be a big kid and she will be beautiful and amazing but, she will someday stop needing me to hold her and won't always call herself "Foey."  She received a gift yesterday and she opened it all by herself and I got to watch her dance to the latest CD from a famous Kpop artist.  I took her in my arms and I asked her if she remembered, could she possibly remember how she used to dance to this music with her second mama.  And in those moments I am always humbled to be apart of something so very big, the complicated lives of my children.

We walked over to this neighborhood library in the park, leave a book, take a book, it's all free for any who would like.  And I just stood there staring at it, thinking well now, there it is, the best thing.  A free library, in the park I love, in my neighborhood, surrounded by flowers.  Isn't it amazing the way He loves, he doesn't just provide for our every need, he gives us a deep abiding joy, and then he puts sprinkles on top with the most frivolous things that He knows would mean the world to us, a library in the park!

9,981 more reasons to go, I'm off to see what the Lord has for me today, and I pray I may be singing when the evening comes.

*You can still view Half the sky online for 5 for more days.  For what it's worth I think that this is one of the most important subject matters you can educate yourself on.  I urge you to watch these, they are well done and enjoyable while they stir your heart.

Life is a beautiful ride (aka I can't seem to stop posting pictures of myself with a bike helmet on)

Source: etsy.com via Jenny on Pinterest

Today was Chloe's first day of school, it was also Jack's second day of school and Kylynn's 12th day of school (not that I'm keeping count), which meant that for the first time since Chloe came home to us I had a couple of hours with no children at home.  Three hours to be exact, once a week, I have three glorious hours all to myself!

I have an older iphone I'm always guessing when trying to take a picture of myself 

When it occured to me yesterday that I had a few hours of freedom coming up I pondered my options, should I, sit on the couch and stare at the wall, take a nap, clean, or watch Downton Abbey.  But this morning when I woke up I had the best idea, if I want to find time in my schedule to exercise, here it was, I would go on a bike ride.

So after packing up three kids and their backpacks and lunches, I remembered (miracle!!) to pack not only my bike but my socks and shoes and helmet.  I couldn't believe how great my brain was working this morning (it must be my new diet, more on that later), and then my brain reached the end of it's ability, so the rest of this adventure is brought to you by the iphone.

I decided after dropping off the littles, to head out to Lick Creek since I was a few miles closer to it than I normally am, but soon realized I had never been there by myself and had no idea how to get there (it should be noted that I've lived here for 14 years and I know how to get to a total of 5 places, direction are not one of my strengths).  I tried calling Kyle and when I couldn't get him I realized that I held the answer in my hand, the iphone could tell me how to get there, and indeed it did!

Once there I was welcomed first by this sign, then by the realization that the chain was off of my bike. But I had managed to get three kids to school, and remember every single thing I needed for a bike ride 15 miles from my house, I was not going to be deterred.  I decided that people walk in parks with "large felines" all the time, that should not be a concern of mine, and set about fixing my bike.  Let's just say I got it back on, I couldn't seem to get it into a higher gear in the front but it was ridable so I was happy.

I rode and rode* and kept feeling like I wasn't getting enough of a work out (see above re: my chain) and then I realized not pulling a trailer with a child(ren) on it makes all the difference in the world!  About half way through I found a random bench in a shady area so I stopped and read the Bible (again iphones where have you been all my life) and it was the most peaceful moment I've had in, well, a while.

I made it back to my car having accomplished what I set out to do, with water left to spare, feeling like a million bucks!  I only had enough time left before picking up the first child, to get ready and do the dishes but I knew I had already received what I needed for the day, the gift of rest and beauty and joy all wrapped up in a bike ride, and already I can't wait to see what I'll unwrap next Thursday.

*Unfortunately I don't know how far I rode, it wasn't until I was done that I remember the app my dad uses to track his ride endomondo sports tracker, I can't wait to test it out.

Dead animals and Live ones!

Spring breaks should always go out in a bang, something to get you through those last two months of school until the summer gets here and life is just one big spring break.

So for our last day of spring break, we headed over to Waco and was pleasantly surprised at just how much there is to do there, we had a hard time choosing.  But in the end the animals won out, and to be fair to all animals we visited the dead one and the live ones (we are very equal opportunity around here).

this lady agreed to take our picture and then snapped it before saying anything to warn us, so here we are...

We stopped at the Mammoth exhibit that opened a few years ago, first and found it fascinating!  It is the only place in the world where you can see a herd of mammoth bones (or something like that).  They found the bones with the mommy mammoths surrounding their children to try and protect them for the flood/mud slide that killed them.  This made me happy to know that although extinct mammoths were really good mommies.

Jack was a little troubled by the whole mammoth experience though, it seemed to connect the dots in his head that things die, we will die someday, that seems scary.  We talked about how we will go to heaven when we die and it's ok to find the whole thing scary.  He's still got death and giant animals on the mind though.  A couple of days ago he asked me what used to be where our house was before there was a house and then if a giant dinosaur would knock our house down with his tail someday(??).

We really enjoyed the exhibit though and definitely recommend it should you find yourself over that way.  I will warn you it is small, it's just the dig site, but I suspect someday when they're able to raise the money they will add a museum.  Kylynn totally digged it (hah!) and asked the tour guide all kinds of questions.

We then ate lunch at the Health Shack, which I think is supposed to be quasi famous, and been in Waco for over 60 years, but we all gave it a 2 out of 5 stars, it was ok but really not good enough to be worth the calories.

Next it was time for the zoo.  The zoo on spring break, you say, have you lost your ever loving mind, indeed we have.  We parked at some industrial site a few miles away and hiked on over there (this made me feel better about the whole lunch thing).  Even crowded I do love Cameron Park zoo.  It is just big enough and has ever animal you could want to see.

I was a little troubled this visit by this lion who seemed very sad that no matter how loud he roared at that little girl she never did get scared.  Later we saw a leopard in a very small "cage" that had anxiety problems and couldn't stop pacing even for a moment.  I won't get into an animal rights debate but it did make me sad to see how obvious it is that these animals were never meant to be caged and it made me think about what our responsibility is for the way we care for animals (big thoughts I know!) :).

All that aside, we had a wonderful day, God went before us and prepared the way, we got done with the zoo exactly at closing time and every child was happy as pie.  We headed over to Jason's deli for dinner and I declared it the best salad place ever.  I'm sorry Souper Salad, but you are never going to make it if you cannot do better, you should have the best salad bars, it's in your name!

The kids crashed as we drove home and I got to have an hour and half un-interupted conversation with my love, are you kidding me!!  Talk about going out with a bang!  It was a spring break to remember for sure.

*no we did not have spring break again this week, yes I am a week late with this post

What Kylynn has taught me about fashion (take II)

One of life's many surprises when it comes raising children is watching Kylynn develop her love for fashion.  Let's just say that I unconsciously only buy solid color clothes and often will buy a shirt I like in three or four colors, I am boring when it comes to my fashion choices and Kyle well he wears your typical business atire, everyday.  So Kylynn, mainly influenced by her own creativity and perhaps inherited some genes from her aunt Jessie, breathes new life into me when I see her come down in the morning for school.

By pure will she convinced me to allow her to dress herself around two and a half and has been going strong ever since.  Her style is all her own and let's just say I take notice when she has a day where she wears a matching outfit, it's few and far between.  But even though sometimes I falter for a moment and think, really you are going to embarrass me, I love her style.  I love that she dresses for her alone and it has never occurred to her to try and fit into someone else's mold.

This is what I've been learning from her lately, I spend entirely too much time worrying about what other people think about me.  There are outfits I love myself in that I always end up changing out of before I leave the house because I'm worried that I'm not really "cool enough" to pull it off (and I'm not but who cares!) or that I feel like I shouldn't wear because they're for skinny people.  But she has taught me that people look beautiful when they love what they're wearing that people who feel beautiful are beautiful.

She reminds me daily that our fashion choices are a way to express who we are, and when did I decide that who I am is someone safe, and plain, and easily forgotten.  Kylynn's outfits grab people's attention. But then they get to know her and stay captivated by who she is, kind and loving, happy and funny, smart and independent.  She knows who she is, and she loves who she is.  I want to be like that more often, I want to dress like that more often.  Maybe I should start letting her pick out my clothes....

Seollal, Hunger (Games and mine), and public manners

Source: maangchi.com via Jenny on Pinterest

*I'm sorry I have been absent so much from this blog, it has actually been a good thing, the month of January has had me catching up on a lot of my to-dos I had been behind on and enjoying spending much less time on the computer.  I seem to either spend way too much time here or ignore it alltogether, next month I need to work on finding that balance again so I can blog AND not waste hours on pinterest. :)

*Jack is a bit of an adrenaline junkie he loves to run really fast, jump off of high objects, and most of all talk of horrible things happening in a very excited voice.  He spends the entire day talking about imaginary scenarios where there's a fire (at the doctor's office we're on our way to) and the firemen will have to put it out!  Or an accident happening and the ambulance will have to come and help people!  Pretty much every scenario that sends me into a panic attack are the ones he loves to shout about as we drive in the car to our destination.

Source: maangchi.com via Jenny on Pinterest

*We celebrated Seollal (the Korean Lunar New Year) for the first time this year, we were a day late due to Kyle's schedule but we had a great time.  I made pajeon, dukgok, and both savory and sweet hoddeok. I cooked for about four hours so it definitely felt like a big feast.  When it was finally all done and we sat down to eat, I was both hungry and worn out.  I was really impressed with how good the food had turned out, since it was my first stab at Korean cooking (Kyle has always done it in the past).  Apparently I was enjoying my food a bit too much, Kyle pointed out that I was making a "mmm" sound every time I took a bite, I was grossing him out with my umm...enthusiasm, what can I say Korean food is good! :)

*To avoid that akward situation where you child points to someone and says, "look mommy that man is really fat", we have a rule that the only thing you can say about/to a stranger is a compliment, such as, "I like her dress."  It has worked really well and I have only had one embarrassing incident (so far) with each child.  Unfortunately most adults do not have as good of manners as my 5 and 3 year olds.  Twice a week we are at a building containing many doctors' offices and we have to ride the elevator.  Every single time we are there we have an adult on the elevator/hallway tell Jack that "he is tiny, small, so very very tiny!"  They say this as if they are paying him a compliment or as if he is not intelligent enough to understand them.  It always makes him feel uncomfortable and he looks at me to try and figure out what to do, and I'm at a loss.  For the record, boys who are almost four do not find being "so very tiny" to be a compliment and sometimes it's okay to not say every thought that comes to your mind.  Thank you!

Source: maangchi.com via Jenny on Pinterest

*I have been in a very experimental mood when it comes to food lately, I'm sure it's because of Pinterest.  Anywho, I want to pass on the best breakfast sandwich of all time.  I often make myself an egg and cheese muffin to eat on my way to drop Kylynn off of school but I thought I'd shake it up a bit the other day and wow! it was amazing.  Take a toasted (I like mine very toasted) english muffin, put blackberry jam on both sides, cook an egg over medium (so that the yoke is just a little runny), put a piece of swiss cheese on it while the egg is hot, and there you have it, so good!  You'll make noises when you eat, right it's not just me that does that sometime...

*I've started reading the Hunger games and since I'm only about half way through the first book I'm doing okay at not letting it take over my life.  So far I find it not half as addictive as the Twilight series, but I believe that the first book in Twilight did not consume me either, so we'll see.  Reading it is part of the reason I have been so productive lately, I've been making deals with myself of things I need to do before I read.  I haven't been so on the ball and so consistent in reading the Bible in months! :)

*If I talk about pinterest again will you stop being my friend?  I would, geez lady get a real life friend!  Ok, so I've noticed a trend in my use of pinterest I'll pin anything crafts I'll never do, clothes I can never afford, homes that will always be 47 times cleaner than mine, but the only thing I've translated from pin to real life: food.  I have cooked proably a third of all my recipe pins and haven't touched the other categories, I'm not even sure what's on my other boards.

image credit

*On Seollal we also practiced our bowing and watched some Korean cartoons I found on you tube.  The big kids were instantly hooked on the Robocar Poli.  They begged me to watch it again today and sure enough they watched three episodes of a show in which they did not understand a single word.  I'm really excited about it, as Jack is really loving the fact that he is Korean right now so the more Korean culture I can incorporate into our lifes the better.  Of course the fact that it was Korean did not make Chloe want to watch it anymore than any other TV show, it's a sign of a bad mommy when you wish your child would want to watch TV, add it to the list.

How about you what bit of randomness do you have for me today?  Books I need to read, food I need to eat, movies to see, stories to hear?  Let me know!  I hope y'all have a week filled with random beauty, it's all around us if we just take the time to notice.

Where I store my treasures

When Kyle and I look at our finances and discuss the different categories you are sure to hear me say, "the one area of my life that I know I am being obedient to God is in our financial giving."  It occurs to me for the first time in a long time that that is no longer true.  Somewhere along the way I stopped regularly asking God what he would like for us to give and switched over to an equation, as long as I met my equation I was good.

It didn't hurt that I live in a country where giving sacrificially is rarely a part of people's plan for success.  So I took a look to the left and the right, for good measure looked across from me and behind me and sure enough I was doing a good (no, a great) job because compared to the majority I was practically a saint.

Then I sat down to eat my lunch and read what Flower Patch Farmgirl had to say on "Letting go of Money."  And God rocked my world,

I wanted a reasonable justification for staying rich. I didn't want to suffer at all for charity. I didn't want to know what it felt like to sacrifice, though in my mind, I would be sacrificing. I would be sacrificing the things I would never have. Something like this, "I could be driving around in a brand new Toyota, but instead I'm still in my beat-up Ford Explorer. I could be wearing designer jeans, but instead I'm in Target jeans that smell funky when you buy them. See how I sacrifice for the poor?" 

I killed two birds with one stone. I sacrificed nothing at all, but I still went to bed at night convinced that I had.

This is not a post about money being evil or about needing to sell all your possessions in order to truly follow God.  No, money is neutral, our attitude towards it is not.  What I discovered when I sat down and read Shannan's honest words was there is a lot of sin wrapped up in my giving, both in why I do it and in the amounts I choose.

I honestly don't know what God has to say to us yet about our giving, but what I realized was it is something I need to check in with him about and renew my commitment to submitting that area of my life to him, fully.  That somehow I had begun to store up treasures here on earth, and I know better.  Go check out this post, it'll make you think.

Right, Wrong, or just Different

Kyle and I were having an argument last night.  You know the kind where you get off topic and weave and wind till nothing anyone is saying makes much since, we were arguing for the sake of arguing.  But at one point during it I said, the problem is instead of just thinking that you and I are different, you think your right and I'm wrong.  Exactly, he said, finally something we could agree on.

Once upon a time our arguments included yelling and insulting and anger so big it couldn't fit in the room with us.  Over the years God has worked on our hearts and our marriage till we've both reached the place of desiring a loving marriage more than we desire to be right.  So there was not really any anger last night as much as there was frustration as we tried to find a middle ground.

It begin over whether or not to invite someone to accompany our family to an activity, he was in the yes category, I was in the no.  This is a common place we find ourselves, having become so similar in most of our thinking, it's surprising to me just how far apart we stand on this issue.

Kyle loves people, I love people too but in a different way.  Kyle enjoys inviting anyone and everyone to do, well anything with us.  It doesn't matter to him if he has just met the person or if we're long friends, they are equal opportunity to invite along on a family vacation, an impromptu lunch at our messy house, an outing to the local park.  Kyle has very few what I would call close friends, but the man is friends with just about everyone in this town and if it were up to him he would love to have each one of them here day after day till we reached the end, and then start all over again.

I am, at my core, the opposite.  I enjoy spending time with my family and just my family.  For some reason in my head the event is less significant if it involves other people.  I realize that, at least in part, this is not the way that God has asked me to live my life, so I have over the years moved slowly, step by step, over to Kyle's camp.

We now have people in our home for a meal a couple times a week, I don't yell when Kyle invites someone over without warning me first, I have come to accept the fact that people do not care whether or not my house is clean, and I truly enjoy the sound of my home filled with a large number of people fellowshipping together.

But, oh yes here it is, the "but" I was trying to get him to understand.  I believe that there is something that is different and important about family time.  That there is something to be said for spending time together with just your family.  Something special about being alone with just your spouse or just your child.

Or at least that was how I felt last night, while we argued in circles about nothing, me not quite able to get my footing in my argument, because frankly, I was treading on shaky ground.  While there is something unique and even necessary about spending time alone with members of your family, to imply that we don't get enough of it, that we need to turn away lonely friends, to carve out some more "family time" was plain selfishness.

When I allow myself and my home to be used by God I am able to love my neighbor, to love the least of these.  When we bring along people into our lives, into our activities, and our meals, they become part of our family.  They remind me a family is not people who share a last name but those who share a Father God.  Me and Kyle, we are different, sure, but this time I was also wrong.

Not room enough to store it

Money has been tight around here lately and to tell you the truth I have no idea why.  I suppose it's the combination of another family member to feed (one who looks like she hardly eats but eats as much as an adult), the crazy electricity bills due to the extreme heat, and the increase in the price of food.

In the month of August I spent twice my grocery budget, yeah that's right I spent double what I had allotted.  Obviously I need to actually live within my budget better, find areas to make sacrifices, and my grocery budget is too low.

I began to look at the budget to find some extra money to move over to groceries and there wasn't money anywhere to cut.  We long ago cut any real fat, no cable, cellphones from the 90's ;), eating out very little, own our cars, you get the picture there was nowhere to steal the money from.  Until I noticed one column that seemed like it had extra, the column containing God's money.

I mean surely God wouldn't mind if I took some money out of that column, it's not like I live an extravagant life or anything.  There are so many things I could buy to make our house nicer, to dress in clothes that would help me fit in better, to allow my children to see the world if I could just take some of the money God had asked for and give it back to me.

Luckily God has taught me time and again over the years that I can trust Him with my (ok His) money.  He has asked us to set aside that amount of money for Him, not because He needs my money, but because it teaches me to store up my treasures in heaven not here on this earth, because it causes me to have to trust Him, because it allows me to see Him work in great and tangible ways.

“Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me.
   “But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’
   “In tithes and offerings. ⁹ You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. ¹⁰ Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it. ¹¹ I will prevent pests from devouring your crops, and the vines in your fields will not drop their fruit before it is ripe,” says the LORD Almighty. ¹² “Then all the nations will call you blessed, for yours will be a delightful land,” says the LORD Almighty. Malachi 3:8-12 (emphasis mine)

I love this verse, I feel like it is one of my life verses, every time I read it I get emotional.  It is so easy to think that God is not good, that if we give Him too much we will have less, but the truth I have seen in my life is the more I give Him the more I have.  And, yes, I actually mean in part, the more I have financially, but it is a cycle that keeps repeating.  More importantly the more faith I have, the more hope I have, the more I have been able to loosen my grip on the things of this world and pay attention to what really matters.  


I love this story that a college student in our home church shared with us one evening.  One summer he worked as a waiter making very little money, but felt God laying on his heart to give large amounts on Sunday morning.  Every Sunday morning he would give the amount God had laid on his heart and then the next day at work He would make exactly the amount he had given in tips, the exact amount, every Monday, all summer long.  I love the way God is not subtle!


So this month I'm waiting on the Lord to provide, I have been taught that His promises are true.

Summer Goals

I love summer and I live in Texas, I'm weird like that.  I accept that beginning in April and ending in October I will be sweaty and gross and a little smelly, I stop fighting it and try to enjoy the heat, and you know what it works.  There are so many things I love about summer, even if it does mean two showers a day.  I love more time outdoors, grilling dinner, beach trips, summer dresses, tans!, sunlight, and days that seem to go on and on (in a good way).

I also love summer in that way that High school students love summer, months stretched before you to take a break and do nothing.  The days of doing nothing left me so long ago I actually don't remember what that feels like, but I look forward to the slower pace of summers all the same.  I have less things on my calendar, less is expected of me, so I always have big dreams of all I'm going to accomplish each summer.  Dreams that are crushed come September when I realize I let the days get away from me and haven't accomplished a single thing.

No more, my friends.  This summer I made goals, and I wrote them down, AND I'm going to write them down here in public to hopefully spur me on to accomplish something these next few months.  Got any goals for the summer, I'd love to hear them, comment some of your goals or better yet write your own post and leave the link in the comments.

2011 Summer Goals:

1. Read five of the non-fiction books I have been meaning to read forever.  I am currently reading Mere Christianity (more on that soon) the other four will come from the following list I've got going.  Radical, No Biking in the House w/o a helmet, Organized Simplicity, Year of Plenty, One Thousand Gifts, Shepherding a Child's Heart, Bringing up Boys, Bringing up Girls.

2. Read four books for fun.  Got any ideas, lay em on me!

3. Get my computer time under control, set up a plan/schedule of rules for healthy computer usage.

4. Greatly related to #3, get back into the routine and then habit of spending time DAILY in God's word as well as continued prayer throughout the day.

5. Get together with several friends I haven't seen in the past few months.

6. Finish organizing our study, and set up a workable work area for me.

7. Hang the various wall hangings throughout the house that have been bought in the past six months.

8. Complete my sewing projects.  (That is the funniest sentence I've ever typed, but I'm serious, really, kind of, no I have to get it done!)

9. Goals for teaching Jack:
*Potty trained.  This has to happen this summer or I suddenly become a homeschooler and need to add some more goals and books to my summer :)
*Begin to write his name
*Work on counting to 10

10. Goals for teaching Kylynn:
*Know all letters and the sounds they make
*Count to 20, write numbers 1-10
*be able to swim

So what about you any summer goals?

Linking it up

Loved this article I read in my local paper: Stand Up!  It made me shout hallelujah after reading, "scientists reported that people who had high levels of non-exercise activity but didn't exercise much burned more calories a week than those who ran 35 miles a week but had moderate levels of non-exercise activity."  Totally worth your read, find out one of the easiest things you can do to improve your health.


Two posts by Dr. Moore over at Moore to the Point I thought were so important for Christians to read.  Arousing ourselves to death, such an important topic in the church today, "This means that our churches cannot simply rely on accountability groups and blocking software to combat this scourge. We must see this as darkly spiritual and, first and foremost, reclaim a Christian vision of human sexuality."


What does Earth day to do with Good Friday, was a refreshing article about what a Christian's role is in caring for earth.  "That means that this Good Friday, and this Earth Day, we need to love what God loves: his entire creation. We need to conserve and care for the good earth that God has created. And we need to remember that, ultimately, the curse is rolled back by a bloody cross." 


Want to see what God is doing in Haiti, I was going to send you over to Sit a Spell to see how you can make a HUGE difference in the lives of new mothers and their babies in that country, but today I saw God already raised the 15,000 dollars that they needed.  It does my heart good to remember what a big God we serve, it all belongs to Him.  But do check out, If they could only stay, to see how you can pray.

Finding the balance

I struggle to find a balance in blogging about my life, our adoptions, and my children.  On one hand there is the desire to share, to find community, to show off my cute kids.  On the other hand is the desire to protect their privacy, and for that reason there is much about my children that is kept inside our family.

When it comes to the journey of adoption I want to be able to encourage people and I want to not be a whiner, but on the other hand there is the importance of understanding that international/special needs/older children adoptions can be hard.  We've all seen the rise in recent years of failed adoptions/placements and it's really a sad trend that is caused to some degree by families choosing to adopt for the wrong reasons or without any knowledge on what they're getting into.  On the other hand it is my opinion that the (much) bigger problem in our church today is people who choose to ignore God's leading to adopt.

So I struggle to find a balance and hope that I didn't cause any great pity on my behalf after my last post, remember it had only been a few days, and everyday (so far) it's getting better and getting easier.  I have found a way to get Chloe to sleep without having to have her cry and I am so happy about that.  She really seems to enjoy me and is beginning to trust me.  The girl hates grass :) just like Jack did when he came home, but we'll work on that soon.  Someday she'll love to play outside as much as her siblings.

I have gotten me some sleep and am feeling much better.  I have definitely been convicted that I need to use my time more wisely now that I've got three kids and one that is young enough to need my constant attention.  Sleep is often an idol for me, and God is always beckoning me to come to Him first and not pass Him up for some sleep.  This next week we have somewhere to be everyday at 9, so it'll be a good week for all of us to get back into a regular schedule, and for me to begin to train myself to rise before my kids and commit my day to the Lord.

I took all three kids on our first real outing (not just school drop off) to the library and we all did good and had fun, which is good because we will spend a lot of time at the library this summer.  Let's pray by the summer she remembers that she loves the water, the foster mother said she does, but for now she is terrified during her baths.

Jack has decided that he would like to potty train now, which really just makes me smile, why not throw another ball in to juggle, and hey you can't ever be sad about a motivated potty trainer.  We had some, umm, interesting moments in the front yard yesterday, as he peed (in the FRONT yard) facing the street and our neighbors.  It made me laugh so hard, I couldn't care, it was even funnier because he can't seem to get down the part of letting everything out at once, so he peed three times in 10 minutes.

Life is really been quite good around here, when it's all said and done we've got our baby girl home, we have this love that seems too big sometimes, God has taken care of all our needs and our wants-he cares about those too, don't forget that.  I'm seeing the love He's lavishing around here right now and all I can do is sit back in awe.

Russell Moore and Loretta Lynn

One of my new favorite blogs these days is Moore to the Point by Russell D. Moore.  I very much enjoy reading his takes on living out our daily lives as followers of Jesus.  I was going to send my readers over there today, to read his article, Honk if you love anti-Christian bumper stickers, but then as I finished reading it the article below it caught my eye.


The article, You Ain't Woman Enough (To Take my Man), is part of his new series the Cross and the Jukebox and you actually listen to a talk on that song/topic, so I've never taken the time to listen to one before, but it was well worth my time.  This talk is about 30 minutes long and is on Loretta Lynn's song, "You ain't woman enough to take my man", and I just had to hear what he was going to say about it after reading the opening line. 

"What does Loretta Lynn have to say to the Internet pornography scourge in our churches? Well, maybe more than you think."

The church we attend has done a relatively good job on talking about the elephant in the room, that is internet pornography and how it has become a cancer in our churches and in our homes today, but I'm afraid in many Christian churches Satan is winning by making sure this topic is never discussed openly.  


In surveys it is reported that 70% of Christian men age 18 to 34 look at internet pornography at least once a month.  So I doubt there is any among us who couldn't benefit from listening to Russel Moore's talk this month, if it doesn't touch your family than it is sure to touch the lives' of some of your close friends.  Listen up women and find out how to stand up and say, "you ain't woman enough to take my man."

Happy thrift store Tuesday!

I don't like shopping.  The crowds, the fluorescent lights, the decisions, they always overwhelm me and make me just want to throw up my arms and leave or worse grab the first thing I see and buy it just to be done.

But for some reason, I LOVE shopping at thrift stores, antique stores, junk stores, you get the idea.  There is something about walking through a store filled with old that calms me.  Having to look up and down, behind, and around the corner to find a deal is thrilling and finding one, well that can make me happy for weeks even months.

Today I dropped the kiddos off at school and headed out for a marathon of thrift store shopping.  First stop was Habitat for Humanity's Re-Store, this is personally my favorite thrift store in town as it has household items AND building materials, need a new toilet, some tile, a door, check them out.

I got this lamp for $17.50, I love how unique it is.  It will look so nice in my living room where we have several things we've collected from other countries, this bird ties into a lot of what we have in there.  I'm not sure what it's made of but it's a heavy guy and has the appearance of tarnished brass.

I got these three planters, they are real pottery, and are creamed colored with a sage green leaf pattern.  I'm so excited that we're going to be working on our backyard this spring.  These will look so nice on our patio/deck.  For one large pot and two medium pots I paid $40.

And entirely un-exciting, I found a trashcan for Chloe's room for $2!

Next, it was off to the local Goodwill, I didn't find any of the things I was looking for, but I did find some cute things for the kids.

I got Kylynn a dress and two skirts for $11.27, but I was most excited about finding these in her size!

The cashier made me smile when she checked twice that I understood that they were tap shoes and might therefore drive me crazy.  She may be right but, her feet grow fast and I know she will adore these.  I'll give these to her for Valentine's day, they were $2.99.

I got Jack two polos for a total of $5.98, boring I know but he's not in need of much clothes.  

Next I was off to the Mrs. Baird's thrift store, do y'all have one of these in your town, check the phone book because they're not much for advertising so most people don't know they exist.  They sell bread soon to reach the sell by date for discounted prices.  When you're lucky they'll have bread that has to be sold by today's date, when that happens all the bread/bagels/rolls/tortillas/you name it are 4 for a dollar or 39 cents each.  Here's my haul for a total of 1.39.

Happy thrift store Tuesday to you sweet blog friends!  I hope you find something that makes you smile and that the hunt alone is enough to make your day.

WAIT...I almost forget, I picked up this beauty of the way home for free (a gift card from Christmas).  A tall decaf mocha, total $0.

The great joy of my life

At exactly what age will I figure out how to do this mommy thing right?  I would take doing it pretty darn good, but most days even that seems like an idea I once had.

Yesterday I asked Kylynn to tell me her memory verse from school this week, she had said it the night before so I knew she knew it and I was helping her commit it to memory.  With a little help getting started she said the verse, but when I asked her for the reference, she couldn't think of it.  So I told her it and asked her to repeat it to me, and after .2 seconds she had forgotten what I said.  I decided that there was no way she could have forgotten something that she knew the day before and I had just told her.  So I told her that we weren't going to get out of the car and go watch our movie until she repeated it to me, deciding that she was being stubborn? lazy? funny?  But then she started to totally stress out and it escalated from there, no matter how much I tried to give her clues she was too far gone into freak out mode.  In the end we went inside and she went to her room to calm down and she was able to think of "Mark" and I supplied the numbers.  For the life of me I do not know if she genuinely didn't know the answer or just didn't want to give me the satisfaction.

Daily this little girl makes me so unsure of whether I've just chosen the right battle, said the right thing, praised her enough, taught her enough.  There are countless moments where I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing and whether or not I've made the right decision.  I often end my days with her, sitting on her bed and apologizing for how I responded to her in anger, but explaining that even though my response was wrong, her behavior was still unacceptable.

Jack has been unusually whiny for the past two days, crying for long periods of time for no reason.  He won't tell me anything that's wrong and has no physical symptoms, so I just assumed that it's the fact that he'll be three in a few weeks that's causing it.  At every meal, he's said, I'm not hungry and not wanted to eat.  When it comes to Jack and eating I have been brought to tears over it on more than one occasion and am constantly praying about it.  He has actually gained a decent amount of weight in the last six months but I am always trying to sneak in more calories into his diet, in my mind him not eating is completely unacceptable.  So I told him he had to finish this or that on his plate and then he could get down.  Finally at lunch time today, he said my belly hurt, so I took away his plate and laid him on the couch and sure enough about 30 minutes later he was throwing up.  I wish I could tell you that this is the first time I've forced a sick child to eat, completely unaware that they were actually telling the truth about not being hungry, but it's not.  Hindsight's 20/20 and after the fact I can't believe that I thought that he was just being grumpy.

Daily I question whether I let him get away with too much, is he telling the truth when he says that his sissy did it, or is he just trying to stay out of trouble.  Do I spend enough time focused on just him, since he's content to play by himself and not constantly asking for my attention like his sister.  I often end my days with him trying to tell him a little of his unique story, already unsure of whether I have the right words for his small questions.

I suppose that it's only after you do it that you learn how it's done.  That it's in the doing that you are trained in how to be a mother, that it's in the mistakes that you learn what to do better next time, that it's in the sorrows that you are reminded of how much joy there is.  But God He knew all of this and so he gave mothers a love big enough to cover over all our sins and have enough left over to teach our children that they are desperately loved.

My patient children I may never get this mother thing done perfectly or even pretty darn good, but know that everything I ever did I did because I love you in a way that makes me catch my breathe and blink back tears.  This chance God has given me, to raise His children, to be your mommy, it's the great joy of my life.

"Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

Because it's time

There is something I need to be honest with y'all about, I have a problem.  I waste hours a day on the internet, reading blogs, checking my email, window shopping, and the like.  For a few months now it has occurred to me that it's getting worse, as I find another amazing blog that I just have to keep up with, or find another coupon site that I can use to find more ways to save money.  For a few months now it has also been running around the back of my brain that God is not pleased with the way I am spending my time, as His child, my time belongs to Him and I am not honoring Him with the use of my time.

Our lives have gotten even busier the past six months, how is that possible, and instead of working hard to keep up with it all I've sought out an escape.  A world I can enter that drowns out my children's whines, blinds my eyes to the piles of laundry, and numbs my frustrations of my husband's work schedule.  The problem is I want to enter that world many times a day, that world is always easier than the real world I live in.  And when I spend so many hours of my day in an escape I don't have enough time for the things that matter.  I "don't have time" for spending time in the Word everyday, praying about discipline issues with Kylynn, working on home improvement projects, or keeping up with the cleaning, but somehow I have time to not miss a word of about 10 daily bloggers.

But even with the conviction that God is not happy with how I'm spending my time, even knowing that it is affecting my walk with the Lord and the way I parent my children, I was going to just kind of put a little band aid on it and hope no one would notice.  Until I read this post over at SortaCrunchy, followed the next day by this post over at It's Almost Naptime, and then this watched this video that sealed the deal while thoroughly cracking me up (I told you I read a LOT of blogs).

So I'm joining up with Missy on her Advent fast from the internet, and like her it's not going to be complete, after all there are things I genuinely need the internet for, like paying my bills and finishing my Christmas shopping.  But during the fast, I am going cold turkey when it comes to blog reading, oh it pains me to write that, but I know I will see growth in my walk with the Lord, when I use my time to read the words He wrote down, the words that are living and active, words that are truth.  I will also be checking my email five times a week as opposed to 6000 times a week, so if you need to talk to me, call me, or if you must, text me, but I'll want that 20 cents from you next time I see you...kidding :).

I won't stop writing either, as you can see that is not one of my time wasters as I have a hard time finding the time to write even a few times a week.  I hope to not just deal with some of my self control issues through this fast but also to clean out my ears, my brain, and my heart and allow God to speak truth to me.  Most of all I hope to be still this season and really reflect on the miracle of Christmas, that God would love us enough to leave His throne in a perfect kingdom to be a servant in a fallen world.  That I would reflect on the greatest love story ever told and I would allow my life to be changed by that love, that big and crazy love He has for us.

Researching chocolate

God has begun taking me down a road to honoring Him in all areas of my life, including the things I spend my money on.  It's a new journey for me and so I'm just learning, but this post, over at Rage Against the Minivan, on the chocolate most of us buy in the United States is so helpful to me, this is what I'm trying to change, spending my money on products that promote things God hates, like child slavery.

Please take the time to read this information and you never know you just might find yourself on that same journey, we can learn together, but let me tell you there is a lot to learn.

Parenthood

Have y'all seen the show "Parenthood"?  I am in love with that show like I can't believe.  I think I love it as much as I loved "My so called Life", back in the day, ok probably not that much, but I love it.

Parenthood because it protrays the lifes of four siblings and their individual families, and the families are like our families, they have real issues, but they really love each other, and work hard to stay together.  They deal with raising a child with special needs (Asperger's syndrome) in a way that is beautiful, they show the ups and downs and how hard it is on the parents.  They deal with balancing work and family and with balancing your immediate family with your extended family.  Every week I think it makes me cry at least once, but in a good, happy way.  I find it so refreshing to watch a show on TV that I can relate to, that's about my life.

If you haven't seen it, you've got to give it a try, and if you don't like it that's ok, we're allowed to disagree, but I think many of you will.  It comes on, on NBC on Tuesday evenings after Biggest Loser.  If you want to catch up on shows you've missed, you can always watch them on hulu.

The money statement

Let me just be up front with you for a minute, adoption, can be expensive.  This is not news to me, I have written the checks for two adoptions so I don't doubt this information.  What I do doubt is this, that this fact, is the real deal breaker for so many people.

If I had to rank the most heard expression when someone finds out I have adopted, it would be a tie between, "why is it so hard to adopt, I mean there are all these children who need homes, why do they make the process so difficult" and "why is adoption so expensive, I mean there are all these children who need homes, why do they make it so expensive?"

Occasionally it is not a question but a statement, and when this is the case it is almost always the money statement.  "Adoption is so expensive, I do not understand why they make it impossible for people to help these children, but nobody can afford that kind of money!" When I look into their eyes, it's as if as they make their statement, they are locking another deadbolt, patting themselves on the back, for a door they slammed long ago.

This is when I usually begin to bite my tongue, I'm passionate about adoption, but nobody ever won over any converts to their way of thinking by yelling at them, YOU'RE WRONG! so I resist that urge.  It is also where I begin to wonder, one, if it hasn't dawned on them that I'm sitting right there, can hear everything they're saying and have actually adopted and, two, what experience in their past made them have such a strong reaction to adoption.

What I try to say, without much success so far, is that's not true!  First, adoption doesn't have to be expensive there are varying degrees of money required to adopt, ranging from almost nothing to more than I could fathom (if say you're Bragelina and want to adopt a baby in a few weeks).

But it can cost a chunk of money, and this is where I get upset, so bear with me.  The most expensive international adoptions are within the reach of everyone who has ever slammed that door in my face.  I am not saying it is within the reach of every person, but this is America it is within the reach for many of us.

Have you ever bought a new car, bought a house, paid for a college education, then you can afford adoption.  I'm not saying that it will be easy, you may have to work some extra hours, cut out all the fat in your budget, borrow money, or apply for grants (yes there really is organizations that will help you afford adoption), all things people do all the time to afford another thing.

But in the end you are not left with something that loses half it's value the second you drive it off the lot, or something that loses it's shine two weeks later, you are left with your child, with a family.

This is what I know, everyone of you with children would never let money stand in the way of their health, their safety, or their presence with you, it's exactly the same for those of us who have adopted.  We are not some high class society, who can write a check for ten grand the way some do for ten dollars.  But we are a group of people who love our children, people who won't let anything stand in the way of bringing them home, not a year without pedicures, not canceling our iphone, not selling our house and buying something smaller.  And if you really felt that passion about the hundreds of millions of children in need of a family, why not open that door back up, undo all those locks, and see what role God has for you.  God will never let money stop you from the path He has from you and neither should you.

Running the race

Did I tell y'all I started running a few (5 to be exact) weeks ago.  Did I tell y'all that I am no runner, no seriously I mean I have never ran more than a quarter mile, in school when they would make us run, I would walk and take the loss of points, because I was certain that if I ran I would die.  After all, everytime I tried to run even a little bit I felt like I was going to die.

And yet I've always had this dream of being a runner, it's the cheapest form of exercise out there, just put on your shoes and your good to go, no special equipment, no special place needed.  So when a friend of mine said that she was doing the couch to 5k program with a friend, I invited myself along.

And here's the part where I brag and I don't like to brag, but it's essential to the story, without it I'm just a girl who can't run who dreamed of running.  So here it comes, this program, this couch to 5k program, it really works y'all.  I ran 20 minutes straight a week ago, and 25 minutes straight this last Saturday, and get this: I didn't die.

There are a few hitches.  Hitch #1: I have gained weight since beginning this program, apparently running makes me hungry and I am not eating the way I should be.  Hitch #2: I can't always finish the running assignment for that day, like this morning I was supposed to run 25 minutes again, and I made to 15 before realizing that it just wasn't in me today.

But you know what, it's okay.  You realize on the days you fail, that you always have next time to try again, and by golly I, who used to hyperventilate just thinking about running a 100 yards, ran 25 minutes, so try again I will!  Most of the time it still seems like I'm making this whole running thing up (after all I do run early in the morning before the sun come up, it could be a dream).  But on the days I run, it's very real, I finish the workout and I think to myself, you did it, you just did that.  And suddenly a confidence that I either lost a long time ago or I may have never possessed is with me and it feels so good.  Good enough to not care about the 5 pounds or the days when I can't quite make it.

I see myself in a new light these days, like maybe I am strong enough for whatever this life has for me.  Sometimes when I feel anxious about something, I remind myself that I can run for over 20 minutes and for whatever reason it helps, it reminds me that my mind is lying to me, that actually I am strong enough.

Running is a great analogy for life, for the Christian walk, for the adoption process even.  I commit myself to the goal set before me, and pursue it, and when I fall down, I get up and start again.  And though it is hard and sometimes painful, there is waiting at the end great reward.

The students came back

We live in a college town and while some will tell you otherwise, there is pretty much no down side to living here.  Sure there are crowds and some increased traffic, but as a home towner you know what restaurants to avoid and the back roads to take to get around.

While out with Kyle today amidst the students stocking up one last time on Mom and Dad's dime it occurred to me that the business owners must be so happy this week, for them this week means the money is back in town.

I am not a business owner but I too was excited this week as I noticed the students around town.  I love all the excitement they bring.  I love all the possibilities they have before them, that they are clean slates on which the entire adult life is yet to be written.  I love the way they don't hesitate to walk three blocks to get to church, the way they sit in the pew with their notebooks and take notes on all the pastor has to say, and that it goes without saying that they will be going out to lunch afterward.

I've had the opportunity this past week to spend some time with a student who came here from another country, a country that might as well be the moon for as foreign as it seems to me.  She inspires me with her bravery to leave behind her family in pursuit of something more than just a degree, she is searching to experience another life, one that will help her to better understand this world that we so often forget is bigger than the small towns in which we live.  In one week she has already become a part of our lives.

I live in this college town that while it stays the same, the people who inhabit it are constantly changing, starting over, moving on.  Classes are yet to start and one friend has been made and another contact is being pursued.  I realize that this summer I had allowed myself to become discouraged, to think that maybe I should just give up this idea of being surrounded by people who reflect back the differences I want my children to embrace.  Then the students came back and with them they brought me hope.