It is easy to love you, to worship you, to sing your praises when the blessings abound, when my heart only knows joy and peace is my constant companion. And those times are good, they are worthy, they teach me about who You are and how You love.
But it is when You tell me no* that I have the chance to grow, to be made into your image, to show the world what it is that makes me different, that makes You different. The no, seems all wrong, even knowing what a small piece of the puzzle I see, I can't imagine why a no would be better than a yes, why empty arms could be better than ones filled up with love. But I can't seem to find my anger, all I feel is an assurance heavy in my heart, and a need to praise, to obey, to worship, and be made whole.
You have yet to answer my questions, for you do not answer to me, so I will never really know all the parts of the puzzle that you were creating. But I have learned, through years of just almost understanding, I finally believe that indeed You have a plan for me, a plan to give me a future and a hope. You have convinced me that You are still good, in all ways good, even when you say no, to a plan I had all worked out in my head.
You had whispered to me months ago, that I was praying for the wrong thing and I quietly switched, so I suppose you didn't really tell me no. For I began to pray for your timing, for her to come to me when it is time, once you've completed that which needs to be done, the work in my heart, the work in others, the part of the puzzle You're building right now. And you will always say Yes to prayers that speak your work into this world, and so I will continue to pray for Your timing and for the hope you have promised to create in me.
*We got news today that there will be no more children permitted to leave Korea this year, the quota has been met. In January our process will pick up where it was left off.