Today is the big day. In less than seven hours we will be meeting with our social worker (midnight on Wednesday, Texas time), asking the foster mom questions, and seeing Chloe for the first time.
It's a relatively short meeting, one hour, followed by a short check up with the doctor, and then we're handed over our daughter and her things and head back to our hotel.
Would you be praying for us, to be calm, to ask the right questions, and most of all for Chloe and the very sad and painful transition she is just beginning today. I'll update more soon.
Showing posts with label foster Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label foster Mom. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Two years ago
Two years ago, I did one of the bravest things of my life, I took you from her arms, the only arms you had ever wanted, and told you you were mine. I held you while you slept. I held you while you screamed, while you fought with every bit of strength your body had to get away from me. I prayed over you and I told you I loved you, and when I didn't know what else to do I cried too, and clung to the promises of my Father. In the end, we had become mother and son, through the fire, we found love and an unbreakable bond.
We got on a plane the next day, you had finally fallen asleep, on this day long journey to my home, our home soon. I laid my weary head back, closed my eyes, and began to listen to the music I brought along. The words washed over me as if I had never heard them, they were bigger than before and when they sang of God's grace and mercy, His goodness, and His plans and I was undone.
I looked at you sleeping, memorizing the way you looked, and I worshiped Him. The words were like good medicine, refreshing me and giving me the strength I would need for this journey, this day long plane ride and this lifetime of questions. More words were sung, how He holds us in His hands, how big He is, how Holy is our God, and my soul spilled over, poured out tear by tear, the joy was too big to hold inside of me. God. Is. So. Good.
Two years later I doubt a day goes by that I don't look at you and am overcome with a need to worship. God. Is. So. Good. And you my dear boy, are a gift. I understand the way God loves me more since you came home to me, that He would pick me to raise you, a gift. That this is the plan God had for me, a gift.
Last week you woke sleepy from your nap and I asked if I could hold you, you said yes and laid your head on my shoulder. I stood there looking out the window at that gray day, slowly rocking from foot to foot, and He whispered to me, I am using you, this is a good work for me. This, I asked, this is just love and everything good in my life, this is a good work for you? Yes, my child, you are walking on the path I set you on. The tears came again, just as they had two years ago, God. Is. So. Good.
Today, we will celebrate, that on the other side of pain and loss, is a love that makes us a family. We will celebrate all the mess that is adoption, your birth mom choosing life and your foster mom choosing to love without regard for self. That you are Korean, that you are American, that you are Jack, and that you are Hyeon-jun. Most of all we will celebrate our God, that He is good, and He longs to give good gifts to His children. You my baby boy, are a good, good gift.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Letter
We mailed a letter to Jack's foster mom today.
I can't tell you exactly why it took 10 months. It was too hard to do. Our agency had guidelines for us to follow and even a sample letter, take a piece of paper and write one to two paragraphs thanking the woman who helped raise your son and give her an update on how he's doing. It should be short and sweet. I couldn't do it. It was too short, too simple, it was not the letter I would want if I was her. So Kyle did it, he wrote a simple but grateful letter with a good update on Jack, I added the pictures and we put it in the mail.
Here is the letter I would have sent:
Dear Mrs. K,
For the first few months that Jack was home with us, he looked for you. I could see it in his eyes when he approached women at the library that looked similar to you, he was terrified of any stranger, but these ones he walked right up to, close enough to touch, and looked up into their face, searching. I could see it when he would wake up crying in the middle of the night and I would go into him, seeing me would startle him, he was waiting for you, and it would take all I had in me to calm him down. He loved you fully and I know that losing you will be a hidden hurt in his heart for the rest of his life.
We keep your picture in his room. He doesn't notice it or ask about it. But someday he will. Someday I will pick it up and talk to him about you, about how you loved him, and the way that you cared for him so completely in the beginning of his life. I will take out the photo album you gave him and all the presents and he will be grateful as I am, that he has at least those things that are in some small way a part of you. He will be able to find a connection to his past, to his birth country, to you, through those items.
Jack is doing well now. It was a hard first few months for him. So much loss, so much newness, then sickness, and surgery, and pain. But now he is good, not just hopefully, but really. He is healthy, I know that will calm your worries. He is funny, so funny, and loves to laugh. He is a little ham putting on singing and dancing shows for us. So often when he giggles and when he sings I think of you, of how you taught him to love to laugh and to love to sing. Of how you told me that first day that these were things he loved to do.
Thank you, is not a good word. It is a word I use when the store clerk hands me my bag, yet in English there is only one word for thank you. I hope that there is a better word for it in Korean, that when this letter is translated they use a word that contains what it is that I feel, a feeling of being overwhelmed by the gift you gave us.
With love,
Jack's third mommy
I can't tell you exactly why it took 10 months. It was too hard to do. Our agency had guidelines for us to follow and even a sample letter, take a piece of paper and write one to two paragraphs thanking the woman who helped raise your son and give her an update on how he's doing. It should be short and sweet. I couldn't do it. It was too short, too simple, it was not the letter I would want if I was her. So Kyle did it, he wrote a simple but grateful letter with a good update on Jack, I added the pictures and we put it in the mail.
Here is the letter I would have sent:
Dear Mrs. K,
For the first few months that Jack was home with us, he looked for you. I could see it in his eyes when he approached women at the library that looked similar to you, he was terrified of any stranger, but these ones he walked right up to, close enough to touch, and looked up into their face, searching. I could see it when he would wake up crying in the middle of the night and I would go into him, seeing me would startle him, he was waiting for you, and it would take all I had in me to calm him down. He loved you fully and I know that losing you will be a hidden hurt in his heart for the rest of his life.
We keep your picture in his room. He doesn't notice it or ask about it. But someday he will. Someday I will pick it up and talk to him about you, about how you loved him, and the way that you cared for him so completely in the beginning of his life. I will take out the photo album you gave him and all the presents and he will be grateful as I am, that he has at least those things that are in some small way a part of you. He will be able to find a connection to his past, to his birth country, to you, through those items.
Jack is doing well now. It was a hard first few months for him. So much loss, so much newness, then sickness, and surgery, and pain. But now he is good, not just hopefully, but really. He is healthy, I know that will calm your worries. He is funny, so funny, and loves to laugh. He is a little ham putting on singing and dancing shows for us. So often when he giggles and when he sings I think of you, of how you taught him to love to laugh and to love to sing. Of how you told me that first day that these were things he loved to do.
Thank you, is not a good word. It is a word I use when the store clerk hands me my bag, yet in English there is only one word for thank you. I hope that there is a better word for it in Korean, that when this letter is translated they use a word that contains what it is that I feel, a feeling of being overwhelmed by the gift you gave us.
With love,
Jack's third mommy
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dancing, Singing fool
When we met Jack for the first time his foster mommy told us that he loved to sing. Well those first few months I heard him sing maybe a handful of times, perhaps the three month long ear infection, the triple surgery, the new home and family, had something to do with that. Because now Jack is a dancing, singing fool. He loves music so much and he can really boogie down! Here's a little video I managed to get.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Happy Mother's day, to all of us
Do you see my new picture in my blog title.
That's Jack's foster Mom holding him. Do you see the way her hand is gripping his arm. Do you see the way he's looking up at her.
I am there, in fact I took the picture sitting across the table from them. At that moment, the moment the picture was snapped, it is clear who is the mother.
As far as his foster mom was concerned and as far as Jack was concerned, she was his Mommy in that moment.
I wanted to use that picture because when I look at it I see the beauty of adoption.
It's complicated, there are steps you have to go through, there are so many people involved, there are mixed emotions then and years down the road for many of the participants.
And yet, it's simple. Jack's mother gave birth to him, she loved him the best way she knew how and decided to place him with a family that she could not give him. Jack's next mother took him home from the hospital and cared for him, dealing with the stresses of feeding a baby with a cleft lip and palate, caring for him through surgery, loving him fully. Jack's final mother went to Korea to find her son, I watched as he cried for the mother that was now gone and I earned his trust and love, I allowed him to steal my heart, experiencing a new love I had never known.
We are all three his mother. When I grief for the mothers Jack has lost, no matter how hard I try, I cry for her. The one in the picture holding him like that. She was perhaps the bravest of us all, she loved Jack, her son for a brief moment, as much as she loved her children.
Happy Mother's day, to all the mothers, the ones who give birth to their children even when everyone else tells you that it would just be easier to "have it taken care of", to the mothers who bring children into their homes to raise as their own even though they know in the end they will experience heart break, and to the mothers who are bold enough to trust God when He nudges you down the path of adoption. The Lord will make your path straight before you and along the way you will find blessings you never dreamed of.
That's Jack's foster Mom holding him. Do you see the way her hand is gripping his arm. Do you see the way he's looking up at her.
I am there, in fact I took the picture sitting across the table from them. At that moment, the moment the picture was snapped, it is clear who is the mother.
As far as his foster mom was concerned and as far as Jack was concerned, she was his Mommy in that moment.
I wanted to use that picture because when I look at it I see the beauty of adoption.
It's complicated, there are steps you have to go through, there are so many people involved, there are mixed emotions then and years down the road for many of the participants.
And yet, it's simple. Jack's mother gave birth to him, she loved him the best way she knew how and decided to place him with a family that she could not give him. Jack's next mother took him home from the hospital and cared for him, dealing with the stresses of feeding a baby with a cleft lip and palate, caring for him through surgery, loving him fully. Jack's final mother went to Korea to find her son, I watched as he cried for the mother that was now gone and I earned his trust and love, I allowed him to steal my heart, experiencing a new love I had never known.
We are all three his mother. When I grief for the mothers Jack has lost, no matter how hard I try, I cry for her. The one in the picture holding him like that. She was perhaps the bravest of us all, she loved Jack, her son for a brief moment, as much as she loved her children.
Happy Mother's day, to all the mothers, the ones who give birth to their children even when everyone else tells you that it would just be easier to "have it taken care of", to the mothers who bring children into their homes to raise as their own even though they know in the end they will experience heart break, and to the mothers who are bold enough to trust God when He nudges you down the path of adoption. The Lord will make your path straight before you and along the way you will find blessings you never dreamed of.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The Story
I was babysitting a friend's daughter on Wednesday the 3rd. I was in a bad mood, even though I truly believed God had told me to pray for Jack to come home by Christmas, the calendar had read December for 3 days so far and they played Christmas songs constantly on the radio and my baby was not home! I started to doubt the Lord and became angry every time I saw Christmas decorations...which was very hard for me because typically this is my favorite time of year.
We had been playing outside and I went inside to make sure my friends hadn't called saying they were here to pick up their daughter and I wasn't answering the front door. Sure enough there was a message. So I played the message expecting it to be my friends and instead it was my social worker saying she had good news for me and to call her back. I became frantic, yelling at Kylynn to be quiet so I could hear the number and completely freaking out! I called her back and as she was telling me the good news our power went out..which made my phone stop working. Luckily she immediately called my cell and gave me the details. Kyle came home early from work and we spent the rest of that day trying to book airfare and hotel, arrange someone to watch Kylynn, and make a huge list of all we needed to get done.
Three days later, on Saturday, we flew to Korea. The travel went great we had absolutely no problems, we flew Asiana Air to Korea and I felt like I was in first class, I have never experienced anything like that...and I've flown internationally before. I cannot sleep on planes, so we stayed awake for 24 hours (mostly) and easily adjusted to Korean time, just went to sleep when we got there at 9pm and woke up the next morning.
That morning we woke up was Monday morning and we had a 9:30 appointment to meet Jack. Miraculously I was calm and not about to throw up (which I really do when I'm extremely nervous). The foster mom walked in and our social worker said here's your baby! And I looked at Kyle like, do you see him? I know he's supposed to be small and all but there is no baby here. Then she took off her coat and underneath was a baby tied to her back. We both got to hold him, but Jack was not having any of that he cried instantly and after a few minutes the foster mother would take him back. We enjoyed meeting him but were a little concerned about how scared he seemed of us. We got to spend 20 minutes talking to the foster mother (our social worker interpreted for us) asking her questions about his preferences and their family. I will write more on the topic of his foster mother soon, but let me tell you she desperately loved him and raised him as her own precious son, I could not believe how God blessed us again. We said goodbye to Jack and his foster mom and were told to pick him up Wednesday at 4pm, 24 hours before we were scheduled to fly out, due to his stranger anxiety, they thought the longer he got to spend with us the better (usually you pick up your baby 3 hours before your flight).
Amazingly we were both fine saying goodbye to Jack, it was obvious to us that he was very loved and happy. We spent the next 2 1/2 days exploring Seoul. I cannot remember if I was smart enough to pray that the Lord would make us fall in love with Jack's country, but thankfully somebody did. We loved Korea, the people were amazing, very helpful and respectful. They bow, and I loved that so much, I want to start that in the US, we could learn so much for them on how to treat our neighbor the way you'd like to be treated. The city is huge! with so many people everywhere I couldn't believe it. When you use the subway during rush hour they come off in a large mass and rush towards you, they walk everywhere and are always in a hurry. And I couldn't stop looking at them, they were the most beautiful people I've ever seen and everyday, everybody (I'm serious!) was dressed to the nines, amazing fashion! We loved the food and there was always somebody who could speak enough English to help us order our meat cooked! It was a little pre-baby vacation for Kyle and I and we shopped and sight saw all the time we had so much so that our bodies ached and we slept like logs at night.
Wednesday we went to the agency to pick up Jack. The second I walked in the door I was crying, I could not imagine the pain his foster mother was going through. They gave us lots of stuff and instructions, the foster mother gave us about 5 outfits for Jack, Christmas presents for all of us, photo albums, and toys. Then they gave me a carrier and put Jack in it. His foster mother was crying and telling him goodbye in Korean, after a while the social worker told me to go ahead and walk off, so I did. But his foster mother ran after us and held onto Jack one last time and hugged Kyle and I. For days I would break down crying replaying that in my head, I feel so blessed by her love for my son, and I cannot wait to see her again someday in heaven.
Unlike the first time we met him, Jack was very calm during all of this, not a tear. We began walking back to our hotel and he fell asleep in the carrier. When we got to our room, I sat and let him sleep till he woke up. When he woke up he was very scared, he had no idea who we were or what was going on. That first hour of him crying was hard, but I comforted him the best I could and eventually realized that maybe he would be happier if I was not holding him, we put him on a pallet on the ground with toys and I sat next to him and he was happy. Ever since then, he seems happy to see us and only unhappy when he has a need that needs to be met or during the night. For the first couple of days he asked for his ooma (Mommy in Korean) several times a day, but lately that has lessened. He appears to have bonded with me on some level and cries when I leave the room. He is a very happy baby and his favorite past time seems to be laughing and making funny noises.
God worked out some miracles on our behalf on the flight home. We had three different people move us to the front of lines so that we could make our connecting flight in Los Angelos. I cannot thank you all enough for your many prayers, the Lord immensely blessed our travel, Jack did great never crying for too long, and sleeping some, I couldn't have asked for it to go better. Of course I hope to never have to get on a plane again, two 24 hour trips in less than a week is crazy!!
Kylynn loves Jack, but is not crazy about sharing me with him, but is getting better everyday, now that we're back to "normal" life and routine. Our parents cared for Kylynn and she had a blast while we were gone and tells me she wants to go back to Nana/Grandpa's house (I'm pretty sure there was less rules there :). My parents came that first weekend we were back and it blessed us to have them here loving and admiring our new baby, we were really sad when they had to go.
We'll see what the future holds but right now Jack seems like a very happy baby who really loves his family, and I even think he'll be a great sleeper once he figures out we've left Korea! :)
We had been playing outside and I went inside to make sure my friends hadn't called saying they were here to pick up their daughter and I wasn't answering the front door. Sure enough there was a message. So I played the message expecting it to be my friends and instead it was my social worker saying she had good news for me and to call her back. I became frantic, yelling at Kylynn to be quiet so I could hear the number and completely freaking out! I called her back and as she was telling me the good news our power went out..which made my phone stop working. Luckily she immediately called my cell and gave me the details. Kyle came home early from work and we spent the rest of that day trying to book airfare and hotel, arrange someone to watch Kylynn, and make a huge list of all we needed to get done.
Three days later, on Saturday, we flew to Korea. The travel went great we had absolutely no problems, we flew Asiana Air to Korea and I felt like I was in first class, I have never experienced anything like that...and I've flown internationally before. I cannot sleep on planes, so we stayed awake for 24 hours (mostly) and easily adjusted to Korean time, just went to sleep when we got there at 9pm and woke up the next morning.
That morning we woke up was Monday morning and we had a 9:30 appointment to meet Jack. Miraculously I was calm and not about to throw up (which I really do when I'm extremely nervous). The foster mom walked in and our social worker said here's your baby! And I looked at Kyle like, do you see him? I know he's supposed to be small and all but there is no baby here. Then she took off her coat and underneath was a baby tied to her back. We both got to hold him, but Jack was not having any of that he cried instantly and after a few minutes the foster mother would take him back. We enjoyed meeting him but were a little concerned about how scared he seemed of us. We got to spend 20 minutes talking to the foster mother (our social worker interpreted for us) asking her questions about his preferences and their family. I will write more on the topic of his foster mother soon, but let me tell you she desperately loved him and raised him as her own precious son, I could not believe how God blessed us again. We said goodbye to Jack and his foster mom and were told to pick him up Wednesday at 4pm, 24 hours before we were scheduled to fly out, due to his stranger anxiety, they thought the longer he got to spend with us the better (usually you pick up your baby 3 hours before your flight).
Amazingly we were both fine saying goodbye to Jack, it was obvious to us that he was very loved and happy. We spent the next 2 1/2 days exploring Seoul. I cannot remember if I was smart enough to pray that the Lord would make us fall in love with Jack's country, but thankfully somebody did. We loved Korea, the people were amazing, very helpful and respectful. They bow, and I loved that so much, I want to start that in the US, we could learn so much for them on how to treat our neighbor the way you'd like to be treated. The city is huge! with so many people everywhere I couldn't believe it. When you use the subway during rush hour they come off in a large mass and rush towards you, they walk everywhere and are always in a hurry. And I couldn't stop looking at them, they were the most beautiful people I've ever seen and everyday, everybody (I'm serious!) was dressed to the nines, amazing fashion! We loved the food and there was always somebody who could speak enough English to help us order our meat cooked! It was a little pre-baby vacation for Kyle and I and we shopped and sight saw all the time we had so much so that our bodies ached and we slept like logs at night.
Wednesday we went to the agency to pick up Jack. The second I walked in the door I was crying, I could not imagine the pain his foster mother was going through. They gave us lots of stuff and instructions, the foster mother gave us about 5 outfits for Jack, Christmas presents for all of us, photo albums, and toys. Then they gave me a carrier and put Jack in it. His foster mother was crying and telling him goodbye in Korean, after a while the social worker told me to go ahead and walk off, so I did. But his foster mother ran after us and held onto Jack one last time and hugged Kyle and I. For days I would break down crying replaying that in my head, I feel so blessed by her love for my son, and I cannot wait to see her again someday in heaven.
Unlike the first time we met him, Jack was very calm during all of this, not a tear. We began walking back to our hotel and he fell asleep in the carrier. When we got to our room, I sat and let him sleep till he woke up. When he woke up he was very scared, he had no idea who we were or what was going on. That first hour of him crying was hard, but I comforted him the best I could and eventually realized that maybe he would be happier if I was not holding him, we put him on a pallet on the ground with toys and I sat next to him and he was happy. Ever since then, he seems happy to see us and only unhappy when he has a need that needs to be met or during the night. For the first couple of days he asked for his ooma (Mommy in Korean) several times a day, but lately that has lessened. He appears to have bonded with me on some level and cries when I leave the room. He is a very happy baby and his favorite past time seems to be laughing and making funny noises.
God worked out some miracles on our behalf on the flight home. We had three different people move us to the front of lines so that we could make our connecting flight in Los Angelos. I cannot thank you all enough for your many prayers, the Lord immensely blessed our travel, Jack did great never crying for too long, and sleeping some, I couldn't have asked for it to go better. Of course I hope to never have to get on a plane again, two 24 hour trips in less than a week is crazy!!
Kylynn loves Jack, but is not crazy about sharing me with him, but is getting better everyday, now that we're back to "normal" life and routine. Our parents cared for Kylynn and she had a blast while we were gone and tells me she wants to go back to Nana/Grandpa's house (I'm pretty sure there was less rules there :). My parents came that first weekend we were back and it blessed us to have them here loving and admiring our new baby, we were really sad when they had to go.
We'll see what the future holds but right now Jack seems like a very happy baby who really loves his family, and I even think he'll be a great sleeper once he figures out we've left Korea! :)
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