And so the beauty began

Today is my anniversary.  Eleven is the number and I think you all get the idea already, about how I love my husband and about how he's a really very good husband, it's true.  But there is something that you might not know about me, about the eleven years.  It was hard at first, still sometimes is.  But I'm talking about the hard where you go into the bathroom and turn on the shower so no one will hear you sobbing, hard.  I'm talking about the hard where you spend hours toying with the thought, maybe we made a mistake.  Where you cannot fathom your life with or without this supposed other half.

When Kyle and I got married, I had firmly turned my back on God, I had decided that I was going to live my life the way I wanted.  I had bought into the lies of the world and I wasn't going to allow God to talk me out of doing what it was I wanted to do, including marrying whomever I wanted to marry.  This life was meant to be enjoyed, the wisdom in the Bible, it didn't apply to me.

I never consulted God when it came to Kyle, nor him when it came to me.  We were young and in love and couldn't imagine that we would ever feel anyway else.  After we got married we reaped what we had sowed, the wages of our sin was death and we felt it in our marriage, death eating at the love we thought would be enough.

Yet there was never a moment when He wasn't there with us in our pit.  Our DaddyGod, always standing right there waiting, asking for us to turn, waiting to catch us when we fell, protecting us from ourselves.  No matter how much we had tried to turn away, we were still His children.  It wasn't long before the shine wore off from the world, living for ourselves left us empty, starving, we were alone and we had no idea how to fix what we had broken.

After nine months of marriage we walked into our church, and God began to make us whole again.  We showed up that day with our hands full of ashes and we traded them all in, every one, not sure what we would get in return but sick of holding on to that which burns.  And so the beauty began.  Just a little at first, a friendly smile, the promise of friendships to come.  But beauty multiples, blessing upon blessing.  Soon it was a flood, truth spoken over our lives, mentors to show us how to love, teach us what the Bible says about marriage, an example, a blue print, an understanding not just of how to be one flesh, but of how to walk with our God.  People who were not afraid to come into our pit in order to pull us out, friends who would become family, prayers and then more prayers.

Ten plus years later our church trusts us to do pre-marital counseling and I remind myself that it is a privilege.  To be able to go back in time and speak to those young lovers, to tell them the truth about marriage, to tell them just how hard it is, how much work it can be, to insist that they understand, a strand of two will break, it has to be a strand of three.  To let them in on the secret that while all of that is true, a marriage built on the Rock of Ages, is joy, is laughter, is finding out what you've been missing all these years.

Eleven years ago when my faith was so small, when I had decided that I no longer needed the One who saved me, I used to cry out to Him to please take away the pain, to please make it all better.  I never could have imagined that he would do this, I would have settled for mediocre, for just being happy.  But our Father longs to give good gifts to His children, He desires that my life be lived to the full.  And it was for His glory that He saw fit to turn my marriage into such beauty, to build a family here, a legacy, a place where He can dwell.

Happy Anniversary Kyle, you are the best part of the beauty, you are just one more gift I never deserved.  I'm pretty sure I would be boring and small minded and probably fat if I didn't have you :).  You make me happy!

Our family glamping trip

We went on a walk around McKinney Falls State park on Sunday, to end our weekend long camping trip.  Along Onion Creek is the rugged camping spots.  They are beautiful, breathtakingly so, I wanted to not just camp there but build my home there, to run away from all of society and only have to answer to my Lord and the birds each morning.

But we did not camp in the rugged camping area, where there is no electricity, and shared water.  Where there is no access by car, you must hike in and out, and also hike to and from the bathroom.  No that style of camping lives only in my fantasies, our family is not so much campers as we are glampers- glamor campers, for those unfamiliar with the term.

We fill our van up to the very top with everything you could imagine.  There is of course the typical camping gear: tents, sleeping bags and pads, a camp stove, a lantern, and chairs.  But there is also a booster chair for Miss Cloe, a fan to help our children sleep, a giant tote (I mean big!) full of food, a cooler full of food, sippy cups, our chili pepper lights to string around our site, bikes, buckets and shovels, a potty, and about a hundred other random things we think our children might need to get through the weekend.

When it's cold we have both a fan for noise and a heater in our tent to keep us warm, now that right there is the definition of glamping!  This weekend it was not cold, it was the hottest I have ever camped in, with temps getting up into the upper 90's Saturday afternoon.  Fortunately McKinney Falls has wonderful waterfalls and creeks to swim in, unfortunately due to the drought the waterfalls were non-existent and the water was too dangerous to swim in because of the algae.

Instead we walked around several of the different areas of the park and participated in the activities they had going on that day.  There are some caves up on the cliffs that Native Americans lived in thousands of years ago, and I always love walking up to them, it reminds me of how big my God really is.  The park had several different people there with activities the kids could do, they made an arrow head out of flint, learned about the sotol plant, and cut wood.

Kyle tried to make the weekend a bit of a treat for me by taking me to IKEA on the way to camping to let me pick out what I wanted for a work space.  It was a surprise and I felt so loved for him to go so far out of the way (when we already had a really full car) to get me something I've been wanting.  Kyle's brother came up on Saturday and the kids were really excited to have another adult to talk to and pay attention to them.  He brought them each a carved pumpkin, which they were super excited about!

Despite the heat, it was a really good weekend, we all had a lot of fun, and I so much enjoyed getting to spend so much time being active and together as a family. And of course I was so excited to get home and take a much needed shower.  How about y'all what'd you do this weekend?

Right, Wrong, or just Different

Kyle and I were having an argument last night.  You know the kind where you get off topic and weave and wind till nothing anyone is saying makes much since, we were arguing for the sake of arguing.  But at one point during it I said, the problem is instead of just thinking that you and I are different, you think your right and I'm wrong.  Exactly, he said, finally something we could agree on.

Once upon a time our arguments included yelling and insulting and anger so big it couldn't fit in the room with us.  Over the years God has worked on our hearts and our marriage till we've both reached the place of desiring a loving marriage more than we desire to be right.  So there was not really any anger last night as much as there was frustration as we tried to find a middle ground.

It begin over whether or not to invite someone to accompany our family to an activity, he was in the yes category, I was in the no.  This is a common place we find ourselves, having become so similar in most of our thinking, it's surprising to me just how far apart we stand on this issue.

Kyle loves people, I love people too but in a different way.  Kyle enjoys inviting anyone and everyone to do, well anything with us.  It doesn't matter to him if he has just met the person or if we're long friends, they are equal opportunity to invite along on a family vacation, an impromptu lunch at our messy house, an outing to the local park.  Kyle has very few what I would call close friends, but the man is friends with just about everyone in this town and if it were up to him he would love to have each one of them here day after day till we reached the end, and then start all over again.

I am, at my core, the opposite.  I enjoy spending time with my family and just my family.  For some reason in my head the event is less significant if it involves other people.  I realize that, at least in part, this is not the way that God has asked me to live my life, so I have over the years moved slowly, step by step, over to Kyle's camp.

We now have people in our home for a meal a couple times a week, I don't yell when Kyle invites someone over without warning me first, I have come to accept the fact that people do not care whether or not my house is clean, and I truly enjoy the sound of my home filled with a large number of people fellowshipping together.

But, oh yes here it is, the "but" I was trying to get him to understand.  I believe that there is something that is different and important about family time.  That there is something to be said for spending time together with just your family.  Something special about being alone with just your spouse or just your child.

Or at least that was how I felt last night, while we argued in circles about nothing, me not quite able to get my footing in my argument, because frankly, I was treading on shaky ground.  While there is something unique and even necessary about spending time alone with members of your family, to imply that we don't get enough of it, that we need to turn away lonely friends, to carve out some more "family time" was plain selfishness.

When I allow myself and my home to be used by God I am able to love my neighbor, to love the least of these.  When we bring along people into our lives, into our activities, and our meals, they become part of our family.  They remind me a family is not people who share a last name but those who share a Father God.  Me and Kyle, we are different, sure, but this time I was also wrong.

A real date to celebrate the first

We went out on our first really real date since Chloe came home, this weekend.  We hired a babysitter, left all three children behind, and only put Chloe to bed (so as to not know she was being left with a babysitter).  We took the night off to celebrate the anniversary of our first date.

September 1999 a few weeks after our first date at the Kolache Festival

A lot has changed in 12 years, the dorm I met him at is now an office building and the Bennigans we ate at is now an AT&T store.  We now have three kids to bathe before we can leave for the night and a budget with very small numbers in it when it comes to entertainment.

But a lot has stayed the same.  We're still here in Aggieland, what was supposed to be a stop to enjoy the best years of our lives, has turned into our home where we've learned that the years keep getting better.  We drove to our date in the same pick up truck we did 12 years ago, and I held the same hand and looked into the same blue eyes.

December 1999 about a week before we got engaged

The first time I met Kyle I knew that I had just met my husband, I knew that my future would include him, for some reason God saw it fit to show me that much of my future.  He didn't show me what the rest would include, not the days I thought that maybe I had just lived a perfect day nor the ones when I thought that surely we would never figure out becoming one flesh.  But he allowed me to experience each one, in order to mold me into the woman and wife he wants be to become.

And we're just getting started.  I wonder what it's like to when you get to fifty years, what it's like to no longer remember being anything except each other's.  To know how to submit to one another and put the other's needs before your own, everyday.  I have tried it both ways and it has taught me, a marriage without God at the center is impossible, a marriage with God at the center is still one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but absolutely worth every moment.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

Happy birthday to the one that makes this life fun, the one who makes it possible, Daddy!

Anything fun that ever happens in this house, is because of you, maker of brownie sundaes for dinner, water rockets, indoor tents, and family movie nights.  We would be a bunch of boring whiners around here without you, the fixer of our broken house, cheerer upper of fussy children and worn out mommy.  Every day with you, every new year is a gift.

Surprise...you need to show up

I had this great idea.  Really it was a good one and in my mind I had it all planned out perfectly, the way everything would look (beautiful of course), the way all the food would taste (amazing!), the way the mommies-to-be would respond (breath-taking surprise).  This was the plan: we would have a surprise baby shower for the two couples in our home group that are due to have babies in the next month.  Everyone was totally excited, the gifts were bought, the cake was made (not by me, but by my amazing and talented friend), the plan was in place.

All week I had been praying against the worst possible scenario, that the guests of honor would not show up to their shower.  God assured me that He was in control, I believed that they would be there, at least somewhere down deep I did, but I had a hard time holding onto it for the hours leading up to the surprise shower.

First we get an email.  Couple #1 cannot make it, the mother-to-be is understandably tired and needs to rest.  So it's decided that since we've already been calling that couple all week "just to make sure everything's okay and they'll be there on Sunday" that it's time to let the husband in on the surprise.  He says he'll definitely be there and his wife will come if she's feeling okay.  I'm holding onto God's promise by a thread.

Then I get the call.  Couple #2 calling to say they can't make it.  I begin to do some kind of crazy begging/praying to God and while I'm on the phone with them, the grandmother calls to say she can watch the kids and they say they'll make it after all.  Someone once told me, God is never late, but He's never early either.  I cannot tell you how true that is, so very, very true.

Now let's take a moment to give you a glimpse of what's going on in my house as I try to get ready for a shower that may or may not include pregnant women.  In order to get ready I am trying to do the following things: cook snacks for the party, clean the house, decorate the room, wrap the presents, potty train a 3 year old, feed my children every 15 minutes, break up fights, discipline a five year old, soothe a one year old, remain sane. My hubby, whom I love, really I do, but who sometimes I want to throw a shoe at decides that he'll just run out and take some friends of ours (who don't own a car) shopping.  So he was gone ALL AFTERNOON and got home an hour and a half before the party.  Have I mentioned I love him, okay, just checking.

God kept nudging me all afternoon to trust Him, to really, actually trust Him.  To believe that He could not only bring the guests (all four of them) but He also knows how to make snacks, clean houses, and raise children.  Perhaps you are all further along in your walk than me, but I am always shocked at how hard of a time I have with trusting God with the small things, I mean trust you to get my house clean...really You care about that?

I managed to remain mostly sane and almost calm with the gentle reminders He was giving me.  And in the end it was a wonderful baby shower, the house was good enough, the food was (dare I say it) amazing, the gifts were wrapped, and every single expectant parent was there, along with the rest of our home group.  It turned out that both husbands had to be told in order to get them there but the wives got to be at least a little surprised.  It apparently wasn't part of God's plan for the mommies-to-be to be surprised He had a much better plan, they went home knowing that they are loved and that they are part of our family.

The snack experiment

We've been having a little problem around here for the past six months or so with Kylynn, she has been sneaking candy.  The girl has a sweet tooth and while sweets are far from forbidden around here I tend to keep candy as a special occasion treat.

But there is candy stashed away in the pantry and in a jar in their bathroom (for potty training) and she knows it.  Unfortunately this has happened repeatedly and while we've been able to deal with the lying associated with the candy stealing, she now will admit it when asked, we've yet to stop the sneaking of the candy.

I don't know about y'all but my kids have robbed me of half of my brain cells, so I am not creative when it comes to discipline, it's a constant part of my job and I get in a major rut.  Whenever this happens I turn to Kyle, thankfully he still can think outside the box, his idea: give her unlimited access to healthy snacks.  Foods that she can count on being there and that she is allowed to go and grab without our permission.  When we told her of the idea she was ecstatic, I'm pretty sure the words "without our permission" are her favorite words to hear.

So I spent the afternoon preparing a bowl of food for her, in it I put yogurt cups, cheese sticks, apple slices, blackberries, carrot sticks, broccoli, and celery slices.  Used my new handy dandy labeler (which I need in case that dream of professional organizer ever comes true) to print a "Kylynn" label for it and put in on the bottom shelve of the fridge where she can reach it.

When I brought her in to show it to her the first thing she did was grab a yogurt cup, which she ate half of.  After dinner, after saying she was full, she walked up to me munching on a cheese stick, and I managed to not say anything.  I'm excited to see how this works, to see if giving her more freedom actually helps her to obey the rules.  I'm not sure if she can resist the forbidden fruit in favor of the real thing, but it's worth a shot.

A date with Daddy

Kylynn is by far the biggest trooper around here these days.  Since Chloe came home she has been my right hand man (I wrote this post late the other night and wrote my "right arm man," I'm tired y'all), grabbing a diaper here, picking up a cup there, entertaining, calming and even once trying her hand at feeding Chloe.

She very rarely complains, even when I ask her to go up the stairs to get something I forgot, again.  She has been acting entirely more mature than her four years.  She is nothing but thrilled to be a big sister again and loves to help so much that she will come up to me and ask me how she can help (with enthusiasm!)  The other day she was sad that there was no more laundry to fold (actually that sometimes makes me sad too but that's another post).

In order for her status as the big sister around here to mean more than work we have been working really hard at spending individual time with her.  She has gotten to go on several dates with Daddy these past few weeks, one of them was to our local skating rink to an "exposition" (I just had to check with Kyle if it was right that it was an "expedition," aren't y'all glad I proof read these things :) they had one night for free.  Turns out it was basically like a skating recital open to the public, but Kylynn loved it, and decided to use all the stars from her star chart for two weeks! to go ice skating.

 
I am told that she did really well and after only two hours was able to skate alone for 50 feet before falling.  She said that she fell several times but still has decided that she wants to go ice skating everyday (that won't be happening anytime soon).  Thank the Lord for my hubby, he has been so helpful in taking out Jack and Kylynn on different activities so that they feel special too.  All day with me they are mainly told to hold on a minute, hurry up we've got to go, be quite Chloe's sleeping, and wait downstairs I'm going to go put Chloe down for a nap, so he's really our hero around here.

How does your garden grow

I have a garden.  And by "I" I mean Kyle, he builds it each season, he waters it, cares for it, and does anything that involves work when it comes to the garden.  I am blessed to be the one who picks, cooks, and eats from the garden. 

Running on the side of our wall we have our blackberry bushes, we planted four 18 months ago, three of them made it and this is their first season to produce.  They have thorns like you wouldn't believe, so brutal.  Kyle has since learned that their are other varieties that don't have thorns and one that produces both in the fall and spring, live and learn.  Also if you're patient we've discovered that they spread, so you could start with just one and have more as time goes by.

In the first bed we have our onions we planted this winter, these are in all three beds and when they mature we will have onions to last us half the year, you have to hang them up to dry in panty hose (really you do) but that way they'll last until you're ready to use them.  In the front of the onions are some left overs from the other beds and one of my favorite things on the planet, basil.

The next bed has our tomatoes, yummy, you cannot plant enough tomatoes in my opinion, if you have too many at once give some away and make salsa with the rest.  From our fall garden we got a ton of huge tomatoes, then we had an early freeze so Kyle picked them all green (around 100 tomatoes...I really think that's right but I am horrible at estimating things like that) and placed them in a box, put newspaper on top, and stacked more, over and over until we had them all in there, that way we could eat on layer at a time, slowly over the next two months, it worked great.

The last bed has our green beans in it, which we've discovered you have to find the right variety, we've had some that were really tough and stringy, but this variety* is really good.  We also have our eggplant in this bed, which we've never done before, so far it's looking great, and I'm really excited because I love eggplant and it tends to be pricey.

Our general rule of thumb for planting is to plant the fruits and veggies we love and are expensive.  So for example, we don't plant carrots because they run about 75 cents for a bag of 8, even though we love them, we only have so much space.  So what's in your garden this spring?

*if you want any info on the varieties we plant email me and I'll ask my handyman hubby, he knows but I just don't.

Korea, day one

We managed to find a direct flight to Korea this time around, we flew out of Dallas and when we got off the plane we were in Korea, this was the happiest thing to happen to me in a long time.  I can't believe the blessing, on the way home when we have our new baby who has just met us and is grieving so much, we get on a plane one time and when we get off, we're home, no re-checking in and re-boarding in LA, no holding a baby on my lap on a domestic flight.

Last time I distinctly remember thinking, whew! I did it when we got to the US, but then I had to do it all over again and the flight from LA to Houston was terrible, there was so much less space and Jack was crying and I had to change his diaper and there was no place to do it anymore, and you get the idea.  So I'm very happy to have a direct flight home, even if Korean Air it required flying Korean Air, which heats their plane to 80 degrees, Koreans love heat, you can quote me on that.

After a night of multiple three hour naps and some melatonin, we got up and got to skype with the kids, which was so good for my heart.  I was already missing them terribly and wondering how I was ever going to spend eight days away from them.  They were so happy and having so much fun, hearing their "i love yous" was soothing and I was able to go off and enjoy my day.

This time our hotel included breakfast, which is another huge blessing, last time we were here we were on our own to find breakfast and an American breakfast is very hard to find, the best we could do was coffee and pastries, which is not the most filling or healthy way to start the day.  So we filled up, after all it was included in our rate and everything else we would eat that day would cost us :).

We then took the subway over to the COEX shopping mall, which is a very modern shopping mall, with a mix of stores selling traditional Korean gifts, along with typical mall stores, it also has a theatre, a aquarium, and probably more things we didn't have time to see.  We got several things purchased, our main mission this time (besides getting Chloe) is to buy a lot of things that we can give to the kids over the years that are unique to Korea, we want them to have decorations, toys, and collectibles that represent part of their identity.

After a long day of shopping we came back to our hotel to rest for a little while before heading off to see the show Nanta, which was really good and quite funny even though I couldn't understand everything, if you ever have the chance to see it (it travels all over the world), I highly recommend it.

By the time that show was over it was 7pm and I was kaput, my husband was not (of course).  How can I explain what traveling with Kyle is like, it's a little bit like Amazing Race.  There are a large number of activities that have to be accomplished each day, and they need to be done quickly, because we need to get in all of our activities.  So of course after the show was over he had made plans for meeting a friend we recently made that lives in Seoul.

Kyle's goal for this trip was to try and tone it down some and give me time to rest, because my idea of a vacation is basically staying as still as possible.  He's been trying really hard and the compromise we've been coming to is him doing something by himself at night while I rest, which he did the night we got in to Korea and also did after we saw Nanta, I spent the evening eating junk food in a robe and taking a bath, but y'all knew that.

I'm trying to remember to take more pictures this time and to blog about what we do each day so I have that record, so stay tuned.

Belonging to you

Ten year ago today I made you mine, as much as anyone one of us can ever belong to another, I belong to you and you my dear belong to me.  I remember how proud I was to have that ring on my finger, the way I would point at things or touch my face to try to show it to everyone, look at me, someone loves me this much!

Even now so many days later I look at you sometimes with your strong voice and your sure stance, the way you use your hands to turn nothing into something, and I feel pride, that you belong to me, that we belong to each other.

A marriage is a string of tiny moments laid out over time, the best ones, the worst ones, the ones we never notice, coming one after another, often before we take the time to stop and live in them.  You asked me this week which moments were the important ones, the ones I remember, and I was caught of guard and so I took the easy answer, houses bought, children born, trips that took us far.  But this is the truth, the important moments, the ones that have made us this one we've become live without a date in my mind.

They are the Saturdays that we would work and work to make our little house something beautiful, they are the drives in the country when we would dream, then see a sunset so beautiful, so as to think that just maybe this was not a real place to live after all.  They are the bike rides where we would ride till we could ride no more and feel so proud of what we've created, this family tucked safely in the trailer behind us.  They are the nights when we would finally stop yelling long enough to hear the other's pain and to walk into it, because no matter the pain, this is worth it.  It is the first time I realized that when you look at me, you really see beauty.

When I look in your sky colored eyes, I remember better who I was when I met you long ago, because I used to look into those eyes and think all my dreams resided there.  Over the years I learned to look into the Father's eyes to find my future, to love Him first, and He has taken this obedience and blessed it.  The more I love Him, the more I love you, the more I identify myself as His, the more I belong to you.

My life is full of gifts, there are days when I pay attention enough to see that everywhere I turn is blessing upon blessing.  But if there is a gift next to my savior that stands above the rest, it is this belonging to you.  It is the safety I feel when I crawl into to bed at night, it is the understanding of what you feel before you speak, it is the freedom of being loved by someone who is half of the whole.

Big love

I awoke this morning to this beautiful bit of goodness (I took the bite, I'm impatient, especially when it comes to doughnuts).  After ten years, he knows, if you want to communicate love to me do it by leaving me a chocolate glazed doughnut waiting for me in the kitchen.  Perhaps that's a bit specific, I do experience love in other ways too, but you know what I mean.  Chocolate=love, doughnut=love, chocolate doughnut=really big love.

My sweet hubby, who has been busy, busy these past six months few days, decided to use his time creatively and take Kylynn on a daddy/daughter date in the morning before us normal people are awake.  They had doughnuts and kool-aid and Kylynn talked and talked, I'm sure, while Kyle barely got a word in edge wise.

Kylynn (can I tell you how much I love this fashionista, look at how she buckles her belt on the side, love it!) had a breakdown this morning because, in her words, "but I need to share Jesus with Jack mommy."  Talk about pulling out the big guns in an argument, geez.  Jack had said that Daddy made his boo-boo all better, and Kylynn needed him to understand that no, only God makes boo-boos better.  This began a back and forth of, no daddy!, no God!  And when I told her to stop arguing with her brother, she laid that one on me.  Oh, the pressures she puts on herself, she is definitely her father and I rolled into one up tight little girl.

Jack has gotten wind that his third birthday is 3 months away, and unfortunately my theory is holding up.  Terrible twos-some silly rhyme made up that has nothing to do with reality, terrible threes-oh golly hold onto your hats.  The boy will say no to things he really wants, just so he can say no, then he has to come back and change his mind, because what child doesn't want chocolate milk.  He has also decided that as of now he will take no more being pushed around by Kylynn, not gonna have it!  He also gets mad at her if she looks at him, tries to talk to him, breathes on him, or thinks about him.

The good news, Kyle found a secret cubby in our coat closet, under the stairs where the kids can be locked up play.  I'm hoping that they'll soon spend some more time in there so I can think clearly enough to cook some dinner, or catch up on a chore or two.  So far they just stayed in their long enough to decide they wanted everything in the Christmas toy catalogue that came in the mail and then came out to tell me all about it.

This is my life and I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy every crazy minute of it.