The thank you tree is back!

This is back up in our house again, with much more leaves both on it and around it.  I love what this little (ghetto :) thankful tree does for our family this time of year.  How about you, do you have a a tradition of thanks this time of year?

Originally posted November 2011

My jaw hurts and I realize I've been clenching it tight, all day long.  The day was long, and everywhere I turn I see the piles of all I've left to do, my life so full of straw and hay it feels empty.  This is the month of Thanksgiving, of thanks giving, of giving thanks and so I am trying to learn, this being content in all things.

I open my copy of One Thousand Gifts and my view begins to change, my hearts understanding the importance of coming into his courts with thanksgiving.  I long to always in all circumstances see and believe that my God is good.  I take up my pen and I write them down, the gifts, "blue sky the color of my love's eyes", "shaking a tablecloth in the front yard, knowing I'm leaving food behind for the birds."

But it's hard to stop and pay attention and there are times where I can't possibly think what it is I am to be thankful for.  He screams in the aisle and I am overwhelmed and I feel like I'm failing at this shaping of the hearts who've have been entrusted to me.  "I was not alone" is the only thing I find to be thankful for in that moment, He was with me, always with me.  And all afternoon it seems small, scribbled in my notebook, "I was not alone", but really isn't that the biggest thing, the thing to be thankful for, that He is with us, always with us.  That He didn't leave us here alone.

And so, the day goes on and there seems to be few and far things in between I can grasp onto and return to Him in thanks.  So I take the one who has furrowed my brow all day long, we go outside and he happily gathers sticks for the "thank you tree."  We walk along together and as he gathers, my shoulders begin to relax.  I look at him and am reminded of the miracle that is my son, and suddenly the tension is gone and I feel the Spirit utters words I've never heard to praise the giver of this great gift.

I find a jar and wipe the cobwebs off the surface, and I feel Him doing the same to my heart.  Beginning to make me clean, using this thanks giving to change my heart, could it be?  We place the sticks in the jar, and they sit barren, empty.  I get the paper, the punch, the pen.  Find the notebook and turn to the page filled with words of thanksgiving.  I punch, and I write and I tie.  As my hands work, punch, write, tie, I feel the cleaning, the filling.  I am making a thank you tree, and with each leaf placed I am practicing over and again, thanksgiving.

Punch, write, tie.  You are a good God.  Punch, write, tie.  A God who gives life.  Punch, write, tie.  An abundant life.  Punch, write, tie.  Who takes us, so barren, and fills us up gift after good gift.  And in the giving thanks we are restored.

Bless the Lord, O my soul

Have you heard 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman, isn't it wonderful.  Every time I hear it I bow down inside, I remember to wipe away this coating the world has put on my eyes and look around me at what is true.  Every time I sing those words, "whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes," I open my hands back up, I losen my grip on what I've laid claim to, and turn to face my day ready to receive the gifts He has for me, even those that seem scary at first glance.  It makes me want to learn how to count His blessing better, to each night arrive at 10,000 and start all over again the next day.

Bless the Lord, O my soul, I will worship your Holy name, in praise and thanksgiving of

This one, who prayed for me this morning that I would spend time reading my Bible and have restful alone time.  Just hearing her pray those words changed my outlook on the day, how did she know just how to pray, how did God ever see it fit to allow me to raise her.  Who takes two full minutes when I drop her off at school to make sure to give us all long hugs and big kisses and then stands outside the car signing I love you with the biggest smile you've ever seen.

Finishing this book and loving it so much that I plan to flip it back over and start all over again.  To find my struggles written so beautifully on the page and see how God can work to heal the sins that nag me and the fears that haunt me.  To be reminded that the spiritual discipline of thanksgiving is powerful and so very necessary.

This one who had a dry diaper two nights in a row.  Who looked at me when I lost my cool and said, I'm going to give you a hug and a kiss, mommy.  He overwhelms me with his patience and his soft heart and his courage, oh to have courage like him.  For the second time he cleaned up the playroom by himself in order to get a treat and the few moments of a picked up house soothed over the rough spots in my day.

Watching this documentary* and knowing I still have part two waiting for me.  It made me cry so hard it hurt and I actually punched something I was so angry.  But it is always good to remember what I am here for, it is always important to understand that the comforts of my life do not entitle me to turn away from the darkness and the battle against it.  To hear His voice remind me that I need only continue to seek Him and obey, always obey, and daily to pray and pray again.

This little one who could not be cuter which brings me such joy and sadness, knowing that really soon she will be a big kid and she will be beautiful and amazing but, she will someday stop needing me to hold her and won't always call herself "Foey."  She received a gift yesterday and she opened it all by herself and I got to watch her dance to the latest CD from a famous Kpop artist.  I took her in my arms and I asked her if she remembered, could she possibly remember how she used to dance to this music with her second mama.  And in those moments I am always humbled to be apart of something so very big, the complicated lives of my children.

We walked over to this neighborhood library in the park, leave a book, take a book, it's all free for any who would like.  And I just stood there staring at it, thinking well now, there it is, the best thing.  A free library, in the park I love, in my neighborhood, surrounded by flowers.  Isn't it amazing the way He loves, he doesn't just provide for our every need, he gives us a deep abiding joy, and then he puts sprinkles on top with the most frivolous things that He knows would mean the world to us, a library in the park!

9,981 more reasons to go, I'm off to see what the Lord has for me today, and I pray I may be singing when the evening comes.

*You can still view Half the sky online for 5 for more days.  For what it's worth I think that this is one of the most important subject matters you can educate yourself on.  I urge you to watch these, they are well done and enjoyable while they stir your heart.

Hope

"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

It has been a rough week, maybe even a rough month, I see that I've hardly found the chance to blog during the month of November, which is a sure sign of hectic days (and maybe a sign of having to divide computer time between blogger and facebook now :).  This month God has been working on me, producing hope, and while it's painful, it's also wonderful.  Today my heart aches mainly from being too full and I am seeing God more clearly.

We went to San Antonio for Thanksgiving last Tuesday, and were happy to have the opportunity to spend time with family, finalize Chloe's adoption (blog to come!), and eat some turkey.  And while the week started off as I would have pictured, Kylynn came down with a stomach bug Thursday night and Jack Friday afternoon.

From Thursday on my days have been filled with scrubbing, and laundry, and strangely looking around and finding so very much to be thankful for.  Here's a little bit of what I recorded during those days:

*Clean sheets to replace the dirty ones
*Help from Nana in keeping up with all that needed to be done
*A peaceful drive home, where the kids mainly slept and the only incident of sickness was in a gas station!
*Christmas movies on youtube, one after another after another
*A husband who lets me sleep in till 9:30!! while he decorates the house for Christmas, even though he is just as sleep deprived as me
*A father who happily goes to the store, again!, to get what the sick ones want
*A grandma's message checking on this kiddos
*A text from a friend asking what she could get for us; remembering God has filled our lives with people who want to love us in tangible ways
*A great washing machine!
*Medicine that stops throwing up
*Chloe, Kyle and I remaining well the whole time

On Monday, I was feeling pretty good, thinking that maybe, just maybe, I was learning how to be content in all things (I love how Paul says he has learned, that this skill is something that needs to be learned).  So that afternoon I called the IRS to make sure they had received our latest fax, the one that I was sure would finally resolve this mess, they say to allow 5 to 10 days, it had been 12.  The fax had not been entered into the computer, and she informed me that on the 30th of this month the IRS will be mailing us a letter of deficiency.  Also known as the "90 day letter" it basically means that we can either pay up or choose to go to tax court regarding the issue at hand.  I started to cry while I was on the phone with the representative, I got myself together until I finished the conversation, and then had a nice cry.  I told God how angry I was with Him and this situation and how I just can't believe He hasn't stepped in and fixed this already.

Then He reminded me what He had taught me that morning, I had pulled out one of the follow up lessons from Kylynn's Sunday school and it had been reflecting on, "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:6-7   Do you know I've had that verse memorized for years, and every time I re-read it in the Bible I realize I've memorized it without, "with thanksgiving."  And I can tell you why, it's because that didn't make sense to me, how do I petition God, with thanksgiving?

Kylynn's worksheet said that when bad things happen we need to adjust our attitude, we must choose to be grateful and when we do we won't miss out on all the blessings God has given us.  I sat there crying about the IRS and God asked me to adjust my view and start telling him why I'm thankful and at first I couldn't think of much more than, I know the plans God has for me are for my good, I suddenly realized that I may be learning how to be content, but I've got a lot more learning to do!  The longer I tried to do what He asked of me the easier it got:

*God is in control of this situation
*All my money is God's and He will do with it what He wills
*Material things will not last the end of this world, it is meaningless
*I would sell everything I own to have my children
*An opportunity to have a "court date" with the IRS would (I think!) resolve this issue, we are in the right
*The lady on the phone was so kind to me, especially once she realized I was upset
*God is changing me through this
*I'm not scared
*I have the money to pay the amount they think we owe
*my invisible friends who have emailed me ideas to fix this situation as they've had similar situations
*The reason I'm dealing with the IRS at all is because of a credit that I never would have dreamed would apply to me.  My children are such amazing gifts
*There are so many bigger problems people face

I awoke this morning like a new person.  I cannot believe how much I've been missing by taking out that "with thanksgiving" from that verse.  It is through the thanksgiving that one receives the peace, it is through the thanksgiving that you can turn over your requests to God.

Today has been a great day, I have no idea what will happen with the IRS, I am sure this will not be the last time I will watch my children's body revolt against them, there will be more trials in this life, in this year, in this month, but in them He is producing this hope and it causing me to rejoice!

Thankful series, part 4

Part 4: Family

Let's end here on the day that started the desire for writing it all down.  Let's end on this day of thankfulness with those that I am most thankful for, family.

As I sit here, they surround me, hold on a minute let me count, 10 to be exact.  And because they're all here, I am content, nothing can go wrong in the world, because all the people I need the most are right here where I can reach out and touch them.

If I stop and think about it, if I focus really hard, I get back to this place, where family is all that matters.  When I can do it, I remember to be grateful, for I have been blessed 10 times over.  And on this day, where the smells from the kitchen wrap me up in goodness and the noise from the chatter soothes my nerves, this Thanksgiving day, I will be grateful.

I will try to carry it into this next month that is filled with noise and stress, try to remember to turn my face away from all that stuff and look into their eyes, and remember.  I will try to carry it into this next minute when my mind turns instead to the one who is missing, the 11th who has no idea her future holds Thanksgiving dinners.  I will be grateful, and allow the 10 to be enough, to be able to love the 11th and miss her, and still be content, with this moment right here.

There is bread to be crumbled, mashed potatoes to be mashed, pots to be stirred, and so I'm off.  I want to be there right in the midst of this day, pausing and remembering when I laugh at their joke, or look in their eyes, there is nothing in this world I need besides you.

Thankful series, part 3

Part 3: All of it

* the color of kyle's eyes and how I always dreamed of having a baby with those eyes and God gave me Kylynn.

* the sound of Jack's laugh, if I could bottle it up with me I'd never be sad again.

* that my house is one big canvas, every room needing work, and the rest of my life to work on it as I find the time.

* for my friend H, that she sees me and still likes me, that she is slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen.

* that Chloe's hair sticks straight up, just like her big sister's did.

* that Kylynn will have a sister, a relationship that shaped my life in wonderful ways.

* that my dad is the funniest person I know.

* this mac, oh how I love my mac.

* bloggers, your stories of your lives fill me up with joy and hope and the security of knowing I am not alone.

* my new necklace from 31 bits, it looks so good, if I do say so myself.

* these new yogurt places, with the real frozen yogurt and the endless toppings, and you pay by the weight, I do declare!

* i am being used by God right now, and it is something I haven't felt for the past couple of years.

* it's my mom's turn to have us for thanksgiving this year, and there's just something about eating the food your mom has made every year of your life.

* i know how to read, and I have a library card.

* the way I can apologize to my children and can talk to them about hard subjects....so far, so good.

* christmas music, especially mariah carey christmas music.

* phone calls with my sisters.

* make up, hair dye, facial moisturizer, you get the picture AND the fact that there is not a person in this town who hasn't seen me make-up free with two inch roots.

* to have made it this far in marriage and find that after all the pain there is great reward, a love that truly does cover a multitude of sin.

* that people actually take the time to read the words I put down on this blog, thank you.

If you'd like a change of pace, read this great article by Dr. Russell Moore, Why I'm Ungrateful

Thankful series, part 2

Part 2: Community

Sunday night we got together with our homechurch (think homegroup or biblestudy) to have a Thanksgiving meal.  As I looked around a very full house filled with, the members of my group, and our friends, family, and neighbors, I thought to myself, this is what loving God is supposed to look like, this, right here, is what being a community is all about.

We began reading this book, this semester, and it has gently rocked my world.  It's a book about loving the non-Christians God places in your life, building relationships with them, and sharing with them how they can have a relationship with God, once you have earned that right (so to speak).  It is not rocket science, in fact, I often read a chapter and feel a weight has been picked up off my shoulders, because I can do this.  This, is evangelism that doesn't scare me.

As we've read through this book we've each began to build relationships with and love on people God has placed in our lives.  I feel like we've all become one big family, not just our homechurch, but the friends and family that we've been praying for over the past months.  We each care about the others and we each are invested in our goal of sharing God's love and truth with those around us.

One of the chapters in the book, is how evangelism is not something we have to do alone, reminding us that we are part of a body, and we need people of all different gifting to come together in order to be effective.  We've begun to serve as a community and I find that God is using that to knit us together even more.  There is something about serving with someone that makes you a team, you are reminded of why it is you're serving.

Sunday nights were once a time for family and I thought by starting this homechurch that I was losing that.  Instead I found that Sundays are still a time for family, just a bigger, more joyful family, with a lot more coffee and dessert eating.  I am so thankful this year for each one of them, for how different we each are, for all the truth that God has taught me through them.  I am so thankful for a community to walk this path with me, people who I can open up to when I fall down and people who I can rejoice with when I get it right.

Thankful series, part 1

In honor of Thanks giving, I will be doing a series on what I'm thankful for.

Part 1: Friendship

Here I sit in a house that seems, in contrast, so very quiet and so very still.  The three women I began this motherhood journey with, have all returned home, their 11 children with them.  This morning the four of us allowed 13 children to run free so that we could just talk, if just for a minute or two and catch up on what is going on these days.  As I sit here, I feel such gratitude, to have this, these times with these women that care about each other and who's children have known each other all of their lives.

I remember it so clear, that it's apparent now that it was a life line that I desperately needed.  The coordinator of the infant playgroup invited me to attend, Kylynn was 8 weeks old, and my immediate response was YES!  An invitation was not needed to attend, but I'm not sure if I would have ever made my way there if she hadn't reached out to me.  To have a few hours a week, where I could have a conversation with, not just adults, but mommies in the same place in life I was, was a gift.  We shared our struggles and our joys and always left lighter than when we arrived.

The four of us have out grown a weekly playgroup, our lives are much too big for that these days, but we still need what it provided.  A place to ask questions, did this happen to you when you were nursing, did he ever gag on food, how have you dealt with talking back?  Even more a place to say the big things that you're afraid to say out loud, until you do and they say, me too.  To have someone you can look in the eye and tell the truth when they ask how you're doing.

And even after three hours, there were so many half finished sentences, so many interrupted conversations, insuring that there will be a next time.  A time to connect, as a group of four women, who were placed together in life because our circumstances were the same, and found in the end real friendship.  I for one am already looking forward to the next time, mostly because I know it won't be at my house this time :).