Friday, February 27, 2009

And the winner is....

So there was a debate in our family about which vehicle to get, a Suburban or a minivan. You can go back in the past few months and read about our struggle, ok really my struggle. So after much thought and research and rethinking and re-researching we finally found our car.

Here are your hints:

"My new car is really big, my old car is little. My new car has a lot of buttons" -Kylynn

"I'm not sure if we made the right decision, I keep finding small things wrong with it and questioning myself" -Kyle*

"I really like my new car, okay I admit I really love my new car" -Jenny

To my dad, "The neatest gadget I've used so far is the cruise control, it has a laser that can sense the car in front of you and will adjust your speed to keep you the correct distance behind it, it was practically like I wasn't driving home" -Jenny

If you guessed're Right! I will gladly admit when I'm wrong so here you go, I was wrong and Kyle was right. This is the right car for us, it drives wonderful, has tons of space, and is really (I swear I'm not kidding) luxurious. We settled on the Toyota, in case you want to go find a luxurious one of your own. :) So I guess now I'm officially a real Mom, no longer just Jenny who happens to be a mom too, now where can I buy those Mom jeans at?

*This quote does not tell you anything about what we bought, because Kyle would have said that no matter what it was, just thought I'd give you some insight into my husband's brain.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Don't blink

I love this age Kylynn is at right now, or at least I love Kylynn at this age she's at. I think I am as conscious as a mom can be that this will not last forever, so I often sit down and soak it all in. That is why my blog often goes a week without posts, I haven't finished vacuuming the other half of the house that I started 10 days ago, and I'm up at midnight catching up on bills and such.

This is why I love her so much right now, she is at once hilarious and care free and considerate and prayerful. Here are some of the things that have made me laugh, smile, or cry in the past month.

While I was inspecting her diaper to see if she had indeed kept it dry during her nap she said, "It's just a little bit of toots in it"

We were sitting in the kitchen eating lunch not talking about anything spiritual and she suddenly held out her hand and said, "Here Jesus here is my money take it from me"

She likes to be the one who says the prayer at bedtime now and her prayers are usually a long list of what she is thankful for, I love listening to all the things she is thanking God for that I just ignore, here is an excerpt I found funny, "Thank you God for baby dolls, and mayonnaise, and baby dolls, and fishing, and dishes, and what else Mommy?"

She must have heard us say about many things that they were "dead" like a battery, etc. So now when things are getting old or fruit is turning brown she says they're "getting dead"

On our trip home from Decatur yesterday Jack threw up from crying. Today I was doing laundry and she said "Mommy I want to pray for Jack not to throw up" so I said Ok and went back to what I was doing, she went into her room pulled out her step stool brought it out to me and sat on it, bowed her head and said "Dear God please no let Jack throw up anymore. Please no let him throw up on his car seat, on his buckles. Amen" Amen to that!

She continues to love her baby brother. They way they play together and make each other laugh is one of my favorite things to watch. So far still no jealousy, just a whole lot of bossing (but it's done out of love). And due to the time I spend with him she continues to have time where she must entertain herself, here is something she did when I was putting Jack down for a nap.

If you can't tell what you're looking at, there are socks hanging from all the door handles down the hall. It wasn't until the next day when she was doing it again that I realized what she was actually doing, she was putting presents in the socks and hanging one up for each person in our family (Christmas stockings!)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

When I grow up

I have a confession to make. I have never known what I wanted to do when I grow up. When I was a little girl I would answer, "teacher", because that is what my mom did. I had absolutely no desire to be a teacher and can tell you as an adult I would have made a horrible one...something about not liking children, I think.

After getting a degree in Sociology I became a social worker, because by that time the one thing I was sure of was that I wanted to save the world. I quickly learned that I am not good at saving the world, or at least abused children, I did not have the stomach for it. I would resign to save the world in my free time and find something that required less than 60 hours a week.

After that I had two jobs, both could be summed up as administrative positions, one I disliked, one was the best job I've ever had, I would have done it for free. But even it was not what one would call a passion.

I left my highly loved job for another highly loved job (that does in fact require I do it for free) being a mom. It is during this time of my life, when at the end of the day I realize that I am both exhausted and losing touch with me, that I daydream about what it is "I want to be when I grow up?"

You might wonder why it matters because I am in fact 1)Grown up already, and 2)lacking the time and energy to be, well anything else. But, for me, if I cannot find something I am passionate about I will have nothing to pass on to my children. After all I desire that they will be passionate people, passionately loving God and others, passionately working hard at the profession God has for them, passionately loving their children and their mate. Practice what I preach so to speak.

So about a year ago I asked Kyle, "Do you think it would be worth while for me to start a blog about adoption and our journey". Somewhere in the very back of my mind were stored up like little treasures the teachers and professors who had told me that I had some talent when it comes to writing. I had forgotten about it, but it resurfaced as I toyed with the idea of starting a blog.

Of course Kyle loved the idea and after months of stalling I began this blog. And I found what it was I was searching for, what I want to do when I grow up. I want to be a writer. I'm not sure when it is that I will actually grow up and chase the dream down. But every time I read a beautiful piece in Good Housekeeping, a wonderfully written memoir, or even a great blog, my spirit lunges forward and says, I have to do that, I have to learn how to write well enough to do it as a real life profession. Even if it's a real life profession where I make hardly any money, I just have to give it a shot.

So give it a shot I will. And when day after day I run out of time due to doctors appointments, diapers, and baths I will have this as my reminder. There is nothing wrong with not achieving your dreams, but if you never even try, well that is by definition a life without passion.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Our meeting

Jack was born with a cleft lip and palate. So we have to meet with several different types of doctors in order to correct the problem. He will need a plastic surgeon, a ENT, a pediatrician, a pediatric dentist, an orthodontist, a speech therapist, and an audiologist.

As you can imagine even the thought of dealing with setting up appointments with so many different doctors, going to each appointment, and figuring out how the different treatments need to correspond is overwhelming at best.

But when God made it clear to me that we were to say yes to Jack, that he was indeed the son we were waiting for, He asked me to trust Him and just let go of the situation. And from that moment on in a very real way I have felt the Lord pick me up and carry me through all that has followed in the past two months.

We now in our small town have our very own cleft team. That means that all those doctors listed above get together once every other month to meet with you and then together make a plan for Jack. We had our first meeting with the cleft team this past week, it was amazing. We sat in the same room the entire time and each doctor comes to us one by one, looked at Jack, answered our questions, and told us what is they think needs to happen. Then when it was all over they got together and made a treatment plan for Jack which we'll get in a couple of days.

We were told a lot of information. We were told of a lot of surgeries that Jack would need, a lot of treatment, and follow-ups he would need for the rest of his childhood. Twice a doctor could tell that I was becoming overwhelmed and made sure to reassure me that he'll be just fine, everything is treatable, it is not as bad as it sounds. What I couldn't find the words to tell them was that I was indeed overwhelmed, but not in the way they thought. I was overwhelmed by the way the Lord used every moment of that meeting to say, See...this is how much I love, I will carry you throughout this process, I will take this all upon me, you will have nothing to worry about I got this under control, I love you, I love you, I love you.

Weird I know. But here I was in my small town, I didn't have to drive more than five minutes to get to the meeting. And the first doctor that walks in goes to my church and knows Kyle. He is an orthodontist so really he has nothing that needs to be said to us now, but he talks with us and tells us everything he knows about his treatment and made it clear, he will treat Jack well but more so that he will love us well. Then in walks the pediatrician, and I knew he was a believer just by looking into his eyes, and he goes on to take the time to learn everything there is to know about Jack and his history, he examines him and treats him for an ear infection he has now. He made it so clear how much he loves the Lord and how well he will love Jack. Then in walks the ENT, I was blown away by his knowledge in this area, the number of years he has treated cleft palate paitents, and just how okay Jack is going to be once he has some work done. And on and on it goes from there. We had a dear friend come and check on us who knew we'd be there, we had medical students come in because they said, "Everyone says I have to come in here and meet this adorable little boy and his devoted parents". The social worker who coordinates the team is beyond amazing, I have never been taken care of the way she takes care of us, she does all the arrangements for us, finds all the best workers, calls us to check on things I would never have expected her to remember.

By the end I had to stop my self from crying, I was overwhelmed by what I had just been a part of. I understood fully that this will be a long process and will take much of our time and resources, but this will be a process where I get to experience God's love and peace on a new level. Because I'm walking through this "trial" I get to be held by my savior. God showed off for me that day, He said to me so loudly and clearly, this is how much I love you, keep on trusting and obeying, it may not be what you had planned, but it will be better.

Oh Golly!

When Jack's fever finally disappeared late Friday afternoon, I was so excited! For the past two weeks we had been trapped in our home, first Kylynn had croup, then Kyle got the flu, then Jack got the flu, but the end was finally here.

I guess that's why when Kylynn kept complaining Saturday and Sunday about how cold she was, I never even guessed she was sick, and told her "No, your not cold, it's windy, but it's not cold". Very good mothering skills I know. So Sunday after she took a 4 hour nap and I woke her up I felt very guilty to find her on fire with a 104.6 fever (don't be alarmed she always has very high fevers).

So I was wrong the end is not here, Kylynn has the flu and had the flu probably starting Saturday night but either because she is her father and never acts sick even with a 104 fever or because I was so ready for us to not be stuck at home with sick kiddos, I missed it.

So if you're my friend, know that I miss you, I want to see you again soon, we are not hiding, we are just sick..again!

Sunday, February 1, 2009

11 months old

Jack is 11 months old now. I don't believe it, so when someone asks how old is he and I have to say 11 months I feel like I'm telling a small fib. And as I try to decide what to do for his first birthday, I am forced to make sense of the simple fact that his life did not begin with me, how can that be when he is so clearly my son?

He can't be almost one year old, I've only had him for one and half months. There needs to be more time. More time for him to be a baby, to be my baby. But we cannot change the laws of this world, time goes on, just like it always has and my time with him will never begin before his 9th month. I waste no time wanting to change that, wondering what we should have done faster, it was never in my control, that I was sure of. For before I knew his name I prayed that my child, my chosen child would be greatly used by God, that this would all have a purpose, a wonderful purpose. I know that the time line was just as it should have been.

My balance is off, this is not how it was with Kylynn. After six weeks she was still a tiny baby, who nursed all day long and did nothing else but sleep. Can you imagine if after six weeks with your baby you were watching them take first steps and play with toys by themselves, told to wean them from baby food and bottles. He is both six weeks and 11 months old to me and maybe that is why I can't quite decide exactly how my life should look right now.

It will get easier I know, I have the rest of my life to love him and watch him grow, and I am keenly aware (having another child) that those first nine months are no more important than any other nine months and fade sooner than we could have ever imagined into a very faint memory.

So if I pause when you ask Jack's age know that it's not because I've forgotten, but that I need a moment to believe it myself before I can tell it to you.

Jack's Room

I wanted to show off Jack's room because I'm really pleased with how it turned out. In case you don't know me, I tell you I'm very frugal, so I'm extra proud that I didn't buy a single thing for it, everything was either from Kylynn's old room or things that were meaningful to Kyle and I that we had previously had. The only exception is the traditional Korean outfit hanging on the wall, however I bought it for him to wear on his first birthday (as is tradition) and so it's a bonus to have a second use for it.

This world may not be my home, but while I'm here let's get tatoos!

We had one of those weeks, you know the ones that make you say, "This too shall pass" followed by "This world is not my home, I have heaven to look forward to!" Kylynn came down with croup late Tuesday night. She spent the week with a high fever and had several coughing fits that required hot steamy baths or trips outside to the cold air. We of course did not get to leave the house. Kyle came down with it Saturday morning and is still feeling very poor. Jack has decided that he doesn't want to be left out so he's been throwing up the past few nights and has a non-fever fever. I'm tired, but praising God that I have been spared so far, so that somebody can take care of everybody, plus I'm married to superman and even when he's really sick he just can't help but do anything he sees that needs to be done.

The beginning of the week before the sicknesses began Kylynn and I had fun doing an "art project" that turned into tattoos! I had to convince her not to wash it off before Daddy got home by telling her how cool tattoos are, I'm praying she does not remember that and bring it up in an argument when she's a teenager..."But Mom, you said that tattoos are cool, why are you mad?!"


I have to apologize my previous post included incorrect information. I so hope that people can find answers to their questions about adoption on my blog...because when we began this process I had so many questions and couldn't find any real life answers.

Our adoption is not finalized. Although it is true that for several countries if both parents travel to the country, the adoption will be finalized and recognized by the United States, that is not the case for Korea. Korean law states that the agency will hold custody of the child for the first six months and monitor the placement. If all is well after six months we will go to court and finalize our adoption.

This doesn't change the fact that the home visits are not as nerve racking as that first one though!