We had our home study this morning, it was quick and painless, as I thought it would be. I knew what to expect this time and I even knew who to expect as we had the same social worker coming out to do it. We had seen her less than a year ago for our final visit for Jack's adoption, so it was all very familiar.
Now the abyss of waiting begins. Once this home study makes it way over to Korea in a couple of weeks we will be placed in line, so to speak, for a child. This next phase will take over a year if all things stay the same, but with this type of thing you just never know it could be less or more time depending on a thousand factors.
The reality of our child coming home to us in the future is only on the fringe of my thinking. I don't allow myself to think of it too often and never for more than a fleeting moment. I allow myself the excitement of thinking someday we will be a family of five, but refuse to dwell on the wait that lies ahead of us. It's a coping strategy that I used with Jack's adoption and it served me well, so as strange as it seems I'll remain in a type of denial until an actual child is assigned to us.
Lately I've been trying to have a conversation with myself about the fact that there is no guarantee that this adoption will be anything like the last one. Unfortunately it's easy to think I know what to expect, that I already know every step on the path laid out ahead of me. I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for disappointment and confusion if I don't try to enter this adoption as a new experience, as familiar as it seems.
I've been thinking about names lately, not specific names, just a random thought of a name here a name there, of what type of name we will want to give him. With Jack I was careful to not think about names until we had an actual child to name, I hope this is not a sign of impatience.
Some of you have told me you're praying for us and again I feel the privilege of walking through this experience with a group of people we love who support us so well that I know I can walk the long road ahead. I often reflect on how so many of you have embraced us and our decisions on how we want to build our family and carried us through the difficult times, when you could have just kept your focus on your own lives. Blessed does not fully describe it, but it's the best I can do, we are blessed.