When we found out that Chloe was not coming home in 2010, I remained calm, I kept my eyes focused on Him and His peace guarded my heart. When January rolled around and Kyle began to feel the sadness of a child missing, I remained unchanged, God's timing is perfect and I trust him.
But then February showed up on the calendar, it was really 2011, the second month in and not only was my daughter not home, we were still a few steps away from brining her here. I began to unravel. Somedays I would place the kiddos in bed and pull up my email, certain that today was the day, the day to see an email saying her emigration permit had been approved, our last major hurdle before we could go get her. When once again my inbox lacked that jewel of an email I would become angry, and take all of my anger out on that refresh button, hitting it again and again, like a crazy person thinking that if I just refreshed the screen one more time, that email would be there.
Yesterday as I sat in church I felt God undoing me further. I was angry at Him, I was losing my patience, and I had forgotten who He really was. Every song I sang made me cry, every word the preacher said reached down into my soul, God speaking to me, do I have your attention. Finally I could resist Him no more, if you're going to break me into pieces, put me back together more beautiful, a vessel filled with your glory. Forgiveness was sought for the sins I had begun to wallow in. His goodness and his timing were made real to me again. And the pain and sadness that I had so desperately tried to ignore, I allowed in, and instead of ruin, I felt healing.
This morning I turned on my computer so that I could send an email to someone, not thinking for a moment of the email I had been longing for, and yet there it was. Chloe's emigration permit has been approved. We're in the home stretch now, it could still be a couple of months, but she is almost home. This morning when I woke up I sat half way asleep and prayed, Father please just tell me when she'll be home, reassure me. And today on this day of love He did that for me.
Happy Valentine's day friends!