I wish I had a picture of you. Somehow I feel if I just could see you I would be able to know you better, to understand how we came to be tied to each other in this inexpressible relationship of love and loss. I wish I could show it to Jack on his birthday and say, "This is your birth mom, she loves you and is thinking of you today". I will tell him those things, I just wish I had a picture too.
Are you beautiful? I know that you are. I see the little boy who carries part of you in him and he is the most beautiful little boy, he must have gotten part of that from you.
Or your name. I want to be able to give Jack part of you, to be able to tell him your story and I don't even know your name. If I could speak your name to him, I know there would be power in that, it would make you more real to him.
Are you beautiful? I know that you are. I see the little boy who carries part of you in him and he is the most beautiful little boy, he must have gotten part of that from you.
Or your name. I want to be able to give Jack part of you, to be able to tell him your story and I don't even know your name. If I could speak your name to him, I know there would be power in that, it would make you more real to him.
I couldn't love you for a long time, it was too hard, too scary. I realized as I was thinking of you this year that I've learned how to love you. I began to pray for you, for your family, for the little things I know, and I found the love I was looking for. I know I need to love you, if I am to teach him that's it's okay for him to love you he has to see it in me first.
You've given me the most amazing gift I've ever been given and I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you how you changed my life, how much you didn't make a mistake, none of it, it was all part of God's good plan. Thank you. Thank you for giving my son life, you didn't have to, and I wouldn't be me without him.
Most of all I pray that you let the Lord love you, that you accept His gift of salvation, because I'm afraid that heaven is the only chance I will have to know you and I can't imagine not knowing the woman who gave me my son.
* originally posted March 2010
6 comments:
do you read tonggumomma's blog? i probably found her in a blogging carnival and she was so funny i just kept reading even tho i'm not an adoptive mama. but, she has spoken to my core about adoption issues that the triad face: adoptee, adopter, and birth family, and i am honored to see your thoughts here, to hear you say how you love this woman you don't know, and especially the raw honesty of admitting you couldn't love her at first. love is about the scariest, most wonderful thing in this life.
i'm glad you reposted this today. it makes me sad, and hopeful at the same time.
smiles. i am glad you learned to love your littles birth mom and yes they will see it in you first...and that you pray for them..a touching post...
As an adoptive momma--one domestic, one import--I so love and get this, especially the part about struggling with how to love birth mom. My baby girl is getting married soon. I pray that birth mom knows peace, that God gives her the comfort of knowing that her brave, life-giving decision has brought multiplied the joy of many. Nice to meet you--stopped over from emily's.
this is so loving... you really paint heart here, and i feel it pulse... beautiful.
Jenny this is such a heartfelt and moving piece that you brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing your life,growth, and love with us.
:-)
Thank you Misty, Brian, Nancy, Emily and Carrie. I enjoyed hoping over to your blogs to read your wonderful writings.
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