Thursday, August 19, 2010

My offering

I didn't bother to tell Him, after all He knows all my thoughts before I think them, He would figure it out.  I was done, there would be no more talking from me.  I was angry, He didn't hear my prayers, or He did but didn't answer them, and then this, You say this is my will for you, my good and perfect will.

We'll see about that.  I find the strength for my best silent treatment.  In the days that follow, I never allow for silence, I might hear You in the silence.  So I sit on the couch and watch stupid TV shows that I have know desire to see.  And then it happens, some cheesy movie makes me cry and I cannot stop.

I cry for what is really making me sad and angry and really let's be honest, scared.  I cry so hard my body shakes and You come to me, You are there as real as ever, holding me, loving me, and telling me, this is Your good and perfect plan for me and everything is going to be okay.

I figure what the heck, You'll never stop loving me, and again You already know what I'm thinking.  I tell you everything.  I tell you how angry I am at You, that this is the path You have for me, it was not part of my plans, I tell you I am scared to death and I tell you why.

You minister to me and heal me and make me whole and I decide it's time.  I tell you my plans every single plan I've never given words to, the marriage I would have, the perfect children I would raise, what our home would look like inside and out, what I would look like, how nothing would ever really go wrong, how we would grow old and boring in the same house we raised our children in.  I speak it all into existence and then hand it over to You.  My offering to You, here is my life Lord, my dreams and my plans, I no longer want them, they are Yours.

You whisper, My plans for you are so much better, so much bigger, they change lives and this world, in them I am glorified.  I accept, the fighting is over, the anger gone, the fear a small thing I will someday learn to fully move past.  I find joy and peace, I find rest in submission.  I no longer have to make a path for myself, but I can walk on the path You've placed me on.  I breath in deep and realize, there is no longing for what I've given up, breathe out and understand what it means to be free.


Misty said...

yes, the submission that allows freedom. we hold on so tightly to our way, our wants, our wishes, and he knows us so much better than we know ourselves. he knows when we need growing not coddling and he knows just when to give a lover's caress, a groom's sweet embrace. it is hard when we can't see his big picture. so hard.

Brian Miller said...

there is freedom in submission, but we scare ourselves into thinking if we let go, we lose control, and yet we gain so much...nice write.

my imperfect prose

alittlebitograce said...

were you in my house this week? because i had a very similar conversation with God. i also was so angry with God. i also rejected His new plans. But now, I have a lot more peace than I did before. I'm not sure why, perhaps it had to do with just being honest. thank you for your post.

Jingle said...


emily wierenga said...

oh, this is beautiful... utterly, agonizingly beautiful... i am praying these dreams for you, and His dreams for you... thank you so much for linking up, friend. xo

Shauna said...

I love the vulnerable honesty in all that you have put out there. The heart is real, and I have had the same conversation (read: snotty crying sessions), and have learned that He is gentle and compassionate and kind-hearted. And at the end of it, submission is what brings the peace. Your journey is beautiful.

Jenny said...

thank y'all so much, the encouragement means more than you know.