My offering

I didn't bother to tell Him, after all He knows all my thoughts before I think them, He would figure it out.  I was done, there would be no more talking from me.  I was angry, He didn't hear my prayers, or He did but didn't answer them, and then this, You say this is my will for you, my good and perfect will.

We'll see about that.  I find the strength for my best silent treatment.  In the days that follow, I never allow for silence, I might hear You in the silence.  So I sit on the couch and watch stupid TV shows that I have know desire to see.  And then it happens, some cheesy movie makes me cry and I cannot stop.

I cry for what is really making me sad and angry and really let's be honest, scared.  I cry so hard my body shakes and You come to me, You are there as real as ever, holding me, loving me, and telling me, this is Your good and perfect plan for me and everything is going to be okay.

I figure what the heck, You'll never stop loving me, and again You already know what I'm thinking.  I tell you everything.  I tell you how angry I am at You, that this is the path You have for me, it was not part of my plans, I tell you I am scared to death and I tell you why.

You minister to me and heal me and make me whole and I decide it's time.  I tell you my plans every single plan I've never given words to, the marriage I would have, the perfect children I would raise, what our home would look like inside and out, what I would look like, how nothing would ever really go wrong, how we would grow old and boring in the same house we raised our children in.  I speak it all into existence and then hand it over to You.  My offering to You, here is my life Lord, my dreams and my plans, I no longer want them, they are Yours.

You whisper, My plans for you are so much better, so much bigger, they change lives and this world, in them I am glorified.  I accept, the fighting is over, the anger gone, the fear a small thing I will someday learn to fully move past.  I find joy and peace, I find rest in submission.  I no longer have to make a path for myself, but I can walk on the path You've placed me on.  I breath in deep and realize, there is no longing for what I've given up, breathe out and understand what it means to be free.