Monday, January 31, 2011

You are not me

When I look at you, I see me, I see everything good in me, and the fear of passing on everything I wish I wasn't.

Who will you be, is it possible for you to only have the good, can I keep the sicknesses away from you.  I wonder if you will look in the mirror and not like what you see, if food will loom in big in your life, either too important or not enough, in order to medicate, in order to be beautiful.

I wonder if you will be afraid, will you leave your dreams unchased because you might fail and you might fall on your face and what will the people say.

I wonder if you will understand God as He actually is, not as you've imagined Him to be.  Will you know how deep and wide His love is for you or will you doubt and always, always be chasing "good enough" to deserve this love that we can never deserve.

I wonder if you will know your own strength and if you will chose to submit all the same, to be a wife who loves a man and lets him be the man or if you will always want to lead, always want to win, always, always be so sure of everything you know.

And I look at you and I see that you have my hands and my ears.  You have the shape of my eyes and my kneecaps.  As I lean in I see you are more than the parts of your whole, and you are not me.  You have some of me, some of him, but you are not me, not us, and the good inside and the bad inside belong to you.

And isn't that what motherhood is, trying to do better, to learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before us.  But we are broken people in need of Him who loves us till we're whole, and I know that you will have sickness too.  But I know that the sickness will show you that you need Him, and I know that part of the good is you will always know where to find Him.

When this life is too much for you, when the bad seems to outweigh the good, come to me and we will go to Him together, the one who takes away the sickness, the one who will pick up all the pieces and love us whole.

1 comment:

thewonderfulhappens said...

oh, you made me cry....so beautiful.