You are not me

When I look at you, I see me, I see everything good in me, and the fear of passing on everything I wish I wasn't.

Who will you be, is it possible for you to only have the good, can I keep the sicknesses away from you.  I wonder if you will look in the mirror and not like what you see, if food will loom in big in your life, either too important or not enough, in order to medicate, in order to be beautiful.

I wonder if you will be afraid, will you leave your dreams unchased because you might fail and you might fall on your face and what will the people say.

I wonder if you will understand God as He actually is, not as you've imagined Him to be.  Will you know how deep and wide His love is for you or will you doubt and always, always be chasing "good enough" to deserve this love that we can never deserve.

I wonder if you will know your own strength and if you will chose to submit all the same, to be a wife who loves a man and lets him be the man or if you will always want to lead, always want to win, always, always be so sure of everything you know.

And I look at you and I see that you have my hands and my ears.  You have the shape of my eyes and my kneecaps.  As I lean in I see you are more than the parts of your whole, and you are not me.  You have some of me, some of him, but you are not me, not us, and the good inside and the bad inside belong to you.

And isn't that what motherhood is, trying to do better, to learn from the mistakes of those who have gone before us.  But we are broken people in need of Him who loves us till we're whole, and I know that you will have sickness too.  But I know that the sickness will show you that you need Him, and I know that part of the good is you will always know where to find Him.

When this life is too much for you, when the bad seems to outweigh the good, come to me and we will go to Him together, the one who takes away the sickness, the one who will pick up all the pieces and love us whole.

Trash Day

Oh, to be a boy

A boy who loves

A boy who loves the simple things in life

"mommy I willy willy lov trashman"

*These pictures were taken on a trash day in December, we don't still have our Christmas decorations up...not that there's anything wrong with that :)

For the locals

If you live in the Brayn/College Station area a little heads up, you can now go online and submit your requests for The Big Event, here.  It took me over 10 years to learn that anyone can ask Big Event to come out to your home or office and perform a service project, it is not limited by income or age, it is the students at Texas A&M's way of saying "thank you!"  So if you need a room painted, some weeds pulled or even some spring cleaning head over to their website to sign up.  The big day is March 26th and they will take the first 1500 submissions they receive before February 18th.


This Thursday you can get your flu shot for FREE at a drive thru clinic in Bryan set up by the Brazos County Health Department.  Our family already got ours, which really bums me out because I so want to get a flu shot at a drive thru clinic, is that odd, it seems my love for anything drive thru increases exponential with each child we add to our family.  The FREE flu shots are open to people 18 or older and will be available Thursday, January 27th from 3pm to 7pm at the Brazos Center, 3232 Briarcrest, in Bryan.


ps-If you read this whole post even though you don't live in this city, can I tell you thank you...you make me smile and I do love you so!

Race article to read

I've talked about this before on this blog, the idea that we are not colorblind, and more to the point, that it's OK to not be colorblind.  We are different and it's important to talk about our differences and celebrate them instead of making discussions on race taboo.

Kristen Howerton, blogger at Rage Against the Minivan, has a great article, How to teach kids about race, I highly recommend it.  In her article she speaks of the mistake that so many white parents are making today,

"What NurtureShock discovered, through various studies, was that most white parents don’t ever talk to their kids about race. The rule is that because we want our kids to be color-blind, we don’t point out skin color. We’ll say things like “everybody’s equal” but find it hard to be more specific than that. If our kids point out somebody who looks different, we shush them and tell them it’s rude to talk about it."

I experienced this first hand one night while in a room full of white people, except for one man, a friend of mine.  In normal conversation, I said something to the effect of "well [my friend] is not white so he may have had a different experience."  The room filled with nervous laughter, and "Oh mans", the basic feeling was that I had insulted him...by stating the fact that he was not white.  This article was so helpful for me to see that although I hadn't insulted him I had shocked  the other white people by speaking about race, not just in the abstract but in the here and now.

Click on over and read the article, it has great advice for how to raise children who will actually see diversity as a good thing to be embraced and celebrated and not a secret :).

 

Need to crave

The sun came out today, with rain the week before and more rain to come, it was a welcome sight, and suddenly going outside to play shot to the top of our to do list.  We spent the morning in our front yard playing with bikes and soccer balls, climbing trees, and pushing babies, but our time was cut short with a fall and a bleeding head.

So that afternoon we ventured out again, this time to a local playground.  They played and I snapped pictures remembering that I have a blog I've been neglecting and the sun was just right to turn children into angels, if only they would hold still long enough.  We played later than planned, it was so beautiful, so many playmates, and a late dinner never hurt anyone.

Some times I dream of California, always a sunny 70 degrees, there I wouldn't have to pop vitamin D and turn on all the lights in my house to keep the blues at bay.  But it's the rainy days, the cloudy ones where the sun seems to have abandoned us, that make me crave.

I need to crave, in the craving I remember what I truly love.  In the craving I am stretched, molded.  The dark, cloudy days remind me, even when my human eyes can't see him, He is there, always there, waiting for me to turn my face toward Him.  As I do, the clouds part, the warmth of his love shines down, and I walk into the Son.

Come

I thought of Peter and how you told him to "Come" and he did, his feet landing firmly on the water.  What must he have felt in that moment, faith, of course, but wasn't there fear too.  For this act of walking on water required him to give himself over fully to you.  And before he was aware of what was happening, the fear won, he turned his focus to self, took his eyes off of you, and began to sink.  I remembered how you said, "you of little faith, why did you doubt?" and it occurs to me, how small is the faith I hold if Peter's was little.  For Peter at least had a moment when his faith was so big that he walked on water.

And you beckon me to come, to walk on the water you have laid before me, and I remind you that I am no Peter.  I am sure that I will sink, my eyes turned inward, the fear is all I have space for.  You call to me again, reassuring me that my part is little, you will do the hard work, my only part is to keep my eyes on you.

So I stand up and I try to muster my courage, I look at you and I lift my foot to step, but my faith is so small, and I can't.  I ask you, to please, please just pick me up and put me on the water.  You remind me of the way You love, you cannot remove my freedom without removing your love, gently you tell me you will always hold my hand, but the step is mine to take.

Maybe I could live on this shore forever I decide.  So I sit down, close my eyes tight, and plug up my ears.  But I find no way to quiet the Spirit, He speaks from within, Spirit to soul, soul to heart, and I feel you tell me, "come."  I don't even know what's out there, I cry, if you could just show me exactly where I'm going then I could do this, but to step into the unknown is too hard.  "I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "plans to give you a hope and a future."  My voice rises, a toddler throwing a fit, but I want to see them, before I take my step I need to know where I'm walking!  "That's why I gave you the gift of faith, you tell me, the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen."

The waves crash around and I wonder why you couldn't have asked me to step out onto a calm stream, why does it always have to be so hard.  You remind me that when I am weak, is when I am truly strong, it is then the world looks in and sees not me, but a strong and mighty God.

I breathe in deep and place my eyes on you, I fill my mind with Your truth, I turn my heart towards Your understanding, and I step.  My foot lands firmly and I smile, You didn't let me fall!  And though I'm soon to sink, soon to turn my eyes back to self and all the fear that lies within, in that moment I understand why you said to Peter, "Come."

Do they make them for adults?

I have many talented friends, as in people who make gourmet cakes from scratch that look good, who sew quilts people would pay hundreds of dollars for, who write for real life websites (and get paid for it!), who can take an old piece of furniture and make it shabby chic.  I have none of these talents, don't worry I've got a healthy self esteem, and I can do some of these things moderately well but no one would call me particularly talented at them.

I love having talented friends because it means that I can buy unique handmade items from them to use around my house.  Two of my friends, who are amazingly creative, have great style, and love God have put those things together to start a business called, Tabletop Truths.  I wasn't able to make it to their show to see these placemats in person but when I found their blog I was blown away!

Tapletop Truths is "a collection of durable, colorful place mats designed to be used as a springboard to Biblical knowledge, spiritual growth and great family conversations."  Or as I would say, they make cute placemats that we can use to help teach our children about what a great God we serve and just how much He loves us.

So now you're excited, a way to help my child learn about God, great, but wait there's more.  They are super cute.  No really, go look, they're super cute.  I would like each and every one of them, but alas you know me, I'm too frugal for that.  They are such a great product though, I'm going to get enough for each kiddo, and hey maybe I could use one too I've always struggled with memorizing scripture, do they make them for adults?

I almost forgot to tell y'all, they even have something on the back, and get this you get to pick what style you would like on the back.  Let me know if you buy some and which one(s) you chose, I'm having a hard time with all the choices.

Big boy bed

We've had in the plans for a while to purchase a bed for Jack so that we could get him out of the crib, first, because we hope to soon need it for Chloe and second, because he'll be three in two months, it's time.  But as cheapskates frugal people are known to do we've been putting it off because it involves spending money.

It hadn't really occurred to me to ask God to provide the beds, after all we could afford them, but one day last month I remember realizing just how much "stuff" we needed/wanted to complete a third bedroom for our children and to make our home more functional, and so I made a quick request that God would provide for us in one way or another what we needed for our home.

A few days later Kyle got off the phone and came and told me that he was speaking to his great aunt and she was soon to move to the northeast and wanted us to have the furniture from their guest room, which included two twin beds.  I immediately started crying, I was so touched and surprised that she would want to offer us anything and I was so overwhelmed with gratitude at how the Lord provides.  I won't get into all the details but I can tell you at least 90% of the furniture/household items we own were given to us by family, were found for great prices at a thrift stores, or put out to the curb by someone as trash.  I can see now how God has provided for us so that we would learn to depend on Him for our needs and as a way to provide the money for our adoptions.

Kyle went and picked up the beds on Christmas Eve and Jack was so ready to make that big step.  He is so excited to be a "big boy" who sleeps in a "big boy bed."  When we pray at night he likes me to lay down on his pillow too and while I pray he gets up and lays on my side and says, "you not leave me," in this adorable sing song voice he has when he thinks he's funny.

My favorite part of the big boy bed is that now I can cuddle with him!  I wouldn't mind reading a few books every night now, I don't even mind reading the Clifford ones.

Flower Patch Farmgirl giveaway

Head over to Flower Patch farmgirl today for an awesome giveaway, also leave her some love in the comments, it's her anniversary and she is divine, let her know you love her, you know you do.

Family movie night

I'm so looking forward to this Saturday, around here we're having a family movie night.  We learned about Change of Plans from our adoption agency, it's a movie about adoption shown in a positive light, and they know how much the adoption community longs to see movies like that.

It always amazes me how many people think that "lots" of adoptions end with the birth mother taking back the child, something they've seen happen many times in the movies, but very rarely in real life.  This movie is about another unlikely event but adoption is shown as a rewarding experience, not a devastating one.  So join us for family movie this weekend and check out, Change of Plans, January 8th on Fox at 8/7 c.



2:30 Change Of Plans Trailer from Moms4FamilyTV.com on Vimeo.

Drowning in Grace

I've been catching up on some of my favorite blogs now that Advent is over, and many of them are doing a recap of 2010, I am blown away by these looks back on their lives, they include pictures and links and really are great pieces of writing.

But I just don't have the time to do that, I still have all my Christmas decorations up, not to mention the throw up that we missed when we cleaned the van, that Kylynn keeps pointing out to me, sorry that was probably too much information.

So I will recap my 2010 this way, it was a year I began to emerge from the dry spell I had been walking in for over a year.  It was the year that I realized God is using me and that there is nothing I'd rather do than walk on the path He's laid out for me.  It was the year that He gave me clarity in the plan He has for building our family.  It was a year of drowning in grace, and this song was my anthem.

Nesting

I don't know when my baby girl will be coming home, but I have faith that it will be this year, 2011, and it will be soon.  We know that the US has finished processing all of her paperwork for her visa, and it was sent over to Korea in December.  My thought and my hope is that will mean for quick processing once Korea finishes processing her paperwork.  My prayer is she is home before her first birthday in March.

These past few days we have been a buzz of activity, working on all those house projects that had built up over the past six months that we want to have done before our Chloe comes home.  In short, I have been nesting and it has been wonderful.

I have gone through all the bedrooms, the kitchen, and the playroom and gotten rid of the things we don't need or were replaced with Christmas gifts.  We've gotten both kids in new twin beds, Jack's first "big boy bed."  We set up some shelves that were given to us and organized the playroom, with a place for all the toys now.  This week an electrician is coming out to fix the wiring in Chloe's room, then once he's done the contractor will come in and do the sheet rock, and then the fun begins.  We have all the paint ready to go once the wall is up and after that we have everything we need to set up a nursery just for her.

Right now I sit in excitement that these projects are getting accomplished, and I can feel God readying not just our home but also our hearts for our daughter, but I know that soon I will have run out of things to do to get ready and the pain of the wait will set in, but my hope is in that, God will not give me more than I can handle and that He will bring her home to us in His perfect timing.

For now I fill my head with color schemes and room layouts, with the promise of a sun filled room and tiny little clothes folded in drawers.  A room with a chair I can sit in and rock and dream of her, and what it will feel like to hold her in my arms, what it will feel like for a heart to grow to love one more person this much.