You reach a point in the adoption process where the waiting starts to make you doubt what you're doing. As every month passes with no hope of a child anytime soon, and only looking like it will take longer than we previously thought, I wonder what I'm doing. In the past I would look at the pregnant women around me and think we should have just tried that again, but as I've written about previously it is not something I desire right now. My latest problem is adoption family envy. I've been reading different adoption blogs and I look at their families (these particular ones are inter-racial adoptions like ours will be) and I want that too. I read their stories of adoption and it was much quicker than ours being domestic rather than international and I start to question myself and God, did we choose the wrong way? I think back to a year ago when we began this process and think, how long did we pray about it? Did I even give God a chance to tell me that we should go through a different method?
It is then that by some miracle someone must be praying for me, because God shows me why I should cherish the wait. And when I let Him walk with me and remind me all the good that is going on right now, the good that would be different if we had our child home, I breathe in deeply and smile. Here's why I cherish the wait.
First is Kylynn. She is all mine and I am all hers. I am her best friend and constant companion and I love every minute of it. Except for the days when we go to the grocery store (remember that story!) I think it should be called the terrific twos not the terrible twos. Here are some things about her that I know I would miss in part or would be different if we had another child right now. She loves to pray, we pray at least 5 times a day, and yesterday (for the first time I witnessed) she bowed her head and prayed by herself, "Dear Jesus, yada yada yada Daddy yada yada, Amen! It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. She is talking up a storm and everyday she says something else profound, I love that I get to hear everything she has to say. She is my little helper, she helps me do chores, cook, and care for the dog. We get to go on all kinds of adventures (no waiting on sleeping babies for us!) we went to the movies the other day, the zoo, the park, whatever we want to do!
Second, I remember who I am again. When I had Kylynn the combination of sleep deprivation and newness of it all left me in a daze. I no longer felt, look, or even acted like "myself". When you have only a two year old, you get a full night of sleep, you can take the time to get your body back in shape/feeling good, you can re-discover the joy you experienced from serving the Lord. It has been a huge blessing to me to get re-involved in the ministries that mattered to me, plus new ones that God has laid on my heart now, and attending regular bible studies, I would not be doing these things if I had a new baby.
Third, I'm learning what my marriage looks like now that we have a child. I think after two years we've finally got it down (mostly), it takes a lot of re-adjusting to add a person to the family and I appreciate the time in between to fully adjust to the first person before adding the next. I also get to experience the joy of watching my husband be a daddy, in all the years before Kylynn I never loved anything about Kyle as much as I love watching him be her daddy, it blows me away.
Finally, I'm being stretched and molded into the woman God wants me to be. Every time I think I've become a "super-Christian" :) God throws something at me so that I realize wow! my faith is small and I am easily knocked off course. I need the wait, because it allows me time with God to learn about who He is. The more I get to know Him, the more I am changed, the stronger my faith becomes, the more I can live for Him and not for me. Something tells me the longer I have children and the more I add to the mix the stronger my faith will need to be. Even when I'm just clinging to it, I believe in God's absolute goodness and his absolutely perfect plan for my life. So I rest in that and try to remember to cherish the wait, for God has given me this time of waiting and all things work for the good for those who love the Lord.