And I read them fast, like one eats a candy bar, I took them in quickly, ravenously, barely tasting their goodness, just wanting to know what they said, just wanting to fly on the high of the sweet, sweet words, and float awhile.
I took them out again, later, when the world was quiet, the sugar high had gone and I longed for the sustenance of those words, to read again, who they see when they look at me. I took them in one by one, swallowed the words whole.
They fell into the cracks, and were smoothed over, making those deep places whole again. When they see me they see a woman that they are proud of, they see accomplishments, they see the one who makes our family work, and the one who does the hard jobs.
How is it that I always miss those qualities, I see only the mistakes, the setbacks, and the failures. I feed myself bitter words of how I've failed again and how far I have to go. But right now I have proof, whole words, to tell me another story.
I will allow them to sit with me this time. I will fully digest them, till they are known, I will write them in nooks as reminders. I am a woman, who makes the people around her feel loved, feel proud to call me theirs, who makes it all work and I am a woman who fails, who messes up, and who sometimes falls flat on her face. The setbacks don't change who I am, they know those things too, and still they chose those sweet words.
And I wonder what words He would use to describe me, and know down deep, that they would be the sweetest words. Know that if I will take the time to listen, He would speak words that would fill me completely, where no room would remain for the bitterness. This year I will try, I will work, to see myself through their eyes, through His eyes, to give myself credit, that when I fall I get back up and try again. Credit that in my deepest place I am trying, to live this life for Christ alone, I am trying to live this life to someday hear, well done good and faithful servant.