You are my future

We sit on the couch in a room of white paint done in a hurry, sloppy, and the perfectionist inside of me cringes.  He begins to tell me of his dreams and suddenly I am not there, I am in a magical place, a beautiful place, there is no longer any imperfections, only plans, and a future, and hope.

He will build a bookcase here, and I will paint here, a mantel for the fireplace will make it so much more handsome.  The furniture will go here and it will be both old and new all at the same time, beautiful to look at and comfortable to pass the hours away in.

 We make plans, we leave this time and place and travel together.  We will spend a summer in London and another traveling the US, seeing every national park.  We will grow old in this house and make it ours, we will make the yard something to behold, a place of rest and escape.  We will raise our children well and have a future for two to look forward to.

We will spend long hours sitting side by side in this room, reading, sharing what we've learned, we will drink hot tea, and we will look at each other and still see beauty.  Or we will move to Africa, we will raise all the children that we never brought home, we will tell them Jesus loves them, and will find the strength to be a mommy and a daddy all over a again.

The dreams are just dreams, the plans written with pencil on scraps of paper, for we know they are not real, they are just words that weave us together tighter than we knew possible.  They are thoughts that one person begins and the other finishes.  They are the promise that you are my future, no matter what it might be, it must be you.

Contentment

I spent the afternoon talking to our pediatrician, talking about Jack even though it was Kylynn's appointment, we were chatting about great pastors and listening to their sermons, we were talking about new research on cleft lips, we were talking about doing this adoption thing all over again, and what I can handle, what our family can handle and what our kids can handle.

He is a dear man, whom I adore, but I know that although he understands my love for God, he does not understand my love for adoption.  He gave me advice on looking over an assigned child's medical records and new research on children born with a cleft and what that could potentially mean for our next child, he wanted me to look at this rationally, to separate my self, my heart, from the process, and consider the science.  He is a doctor, that's what doctors do, they make decisions based on the latest science.

I started to answer him, to tell him the truth.  To tell him that I can't do what he wants me to do, I believe that God will assign us our child and I will not turn my back on my child.  Out loud I only nodded and said I would try.  I didn't think I could make him understand how terribly difficult it is to be given a picture, a small life story, a name and say, 'no'.  I know people do it, but I don't know how.  How does one refuse a life being offered to them?

Just like when a woman becomes pregnant, I do not know what my child will be like, and though I feel like I have less control than a woman giving birth, I know that's not true.  So I trust and I pray, I pray for our child's protection in his first mother's womb, I pray for the choices she makes, I pray for ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.  And I wait for when it is my turn to say the yes out loud that I said long ago to the Lord, when I chose to allow Him to be the one to add children to our lives.  When I gave in to Him, when I said yes to allowing His plan for my life, my children, my family to unfold, I finally found contentment.  There is such peace in knowing that I am not in control, that I can follow the lead of the One who has a good and perfect plan for my life, that I have traded in my dreams for something so much better.

A birthday weekend

Boy do we do birthdays big around here, ok not really, but we celebrate in our own strange way, here's a recap of Kyle's birthday weekend.

Friday evening, Kyle arranged a Settlers of Catan game night.  This is something he does from time to time and it's always a lovely evening for me to be trapped in my bedroom with no TV get a lot of things accomplished.  But this time it had come to Kyle's attention that some wives are actually nice enough to play Settlers with their husbands and, get this, some wives are so nice that they actually like playing Settlers.  So I was forced invited to play along so that our friends would feel welcome to bring their better half with them.  We had a lot of fun and if they promise to always have Reese's Pieces there, I will never miss another Settlers night.

We got up Saturday morning and drove down to Houston to visit our friends.  Their daughter, J, was in Seussical the Musical Jr. and we wanted to see her debut.  Let me just say that this girl's got a future in showbiz if she wants one.  We had the extra blessing of home cooked meals heaped on us while we were there, can I just say homemade Indian food AND homemade cinnamon rolls, I am already searching my calendar wondering when we can make it back for another meal visit.

Sunday we headed back home, but not before stopping to eat at a seafood restaurant for a birthday lunch for Kyle.  We all had some amazing seafood, then we all slept like babies on the way home, except for my hubby who drove, of course.  Then I let Kyle plant our fall vegetable garden, it's the least I could do, it being his birthday weekend and all.  I kid you not folks when he was done planting he actually thanked me for bugging him to get our fall garden planted, it was then that I decided it's official, I won the husband lottery.

Happy Birthday, hon.  You seriously amaze me more every year with how hard you work, how well you serve others, and how diligently you lead our family.  I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Because...

Because she gets me only in a way that only another mommy who loves children who became hers through adoption can.

Because it will make you cry and make you think.

Because I can't find the cord to get the pictures off of my camera.

Because she puts words together and makes them beautiful.

Please go to Flower Patch Farmgirl and read this post.

Biblecation School

Kylynn has been spending her mornings this week at Vacation Bible School (VBS) at our church.  We talked it up the week leading up to it, told her how much fun it was going to be and how much she was going to love it, but come Monday she was decided that she didn't want to go to VBS and that she would not have any fun.  It only added to her misery that she was to wear a toga, even if it was a pink striped toga made from the fabric she picked out at the store (confession: Kyle made the toga, all I did was hem the edges and it took me hours!).

After one day, she was hooked.  She decided that indeed, she loves VBS or Biblecation school, as she calls it.  Jack is not really all that thrilled about his two hours a day alone with mommy, he would rather stay and play and most of all dance to the music they start with each morning.

It has been a prayerful week for me, watching these children pile in our church to learn about just how much my savior, Jesus loves them.  I am reminded that VBS means everything to my family, that the path that brought Kyle and I together to start this family began with VBS.  Both Kyle and I said yes to Jesus, at different VBSes, thousands of miles away, in the same summer.  Both of us were invited by neighbors, both of us lived in homes where we had never heard that Jesus came to this earth and died for our sins, both of us went to a VBS in someone's home, and both of us were changed that summer.

Not only did I accept Jesus as my savior that summer, but my family soon began to attend the church that the host of VBS attended.  My family was changed that summer as well and it reminds how simple it is to share the gift we've been given with others, God will take care of the hard part, but by loving those around us, entire families can be changed.

When I watch those kids running into VBS each morning I wonder who will leave here a new person.   I wonder how many families will be changed, how many moms and dads, brothers and sisters will come to know the Lord because a friend took their child or sibling to VBS.  I watch them and I pray because for some of them this is the only time anyone will ever tell them that the God of the universe loves them.

Got questions: Does God Exist or What does it mean to accept Jesus as my savior

A few of my favorite things

This little girl, more when she's smiling, even more when she's smiling and I can see her freckles, oh I love those freckles.

Cilantro, oh how I love you let me count the ways.  I think you should be on every food and when I carry in a big handful from the garden, I am intoxicated by the smell.  I'm getting carried away, moving along.

Horses.  In my perfect world I own a horse, also in this world horses are no more work than dogs are, until then I love looking at these majestic creatures.

My sweet puppy, I take her for granted  it's true, but I do feel like you are one of our great blessings, you amaze me with your love and patience towards those crazy kiddos.

This guy, more when I can see his blue eyes, even more when he's cooking me an amazing dinner and I can see his blue eyes.

A really full fridge, I don't know how to explain this.  But when I get home from the store and put everything away I feel completely satisfied.

These crazy girls, more when they're making me laugh, even more when they're making me laugh in the Bahamas.  

This boy, who is the cutest boyin the world, don't argue with me, I know.  More when he's laughing, even more when he's laughing while licking the mixer after making chocolate pudding.

Lemons, oh how I love me some lemons.  If I find a restaurant that has a big bowl of sliced lemons next to where you fill up your glass it will be on my list of favorite restaurants no matter what the food is like.

*The pictures in this post are from early spring, I took the pictures long ago wanting to write this and somehow it kept not happening*

Grocery store confessional

We've crossed some kind of threshold in my family now and a trip to the grocery store with both of the kiddos is no longer a terrifying thought.  Kylynn no longer fits into the cart and has to walk so there is a lot of, "put that down, please" going on, but she is actually sometimes helpful and always entertaining.

The other day we were walking around the grocery store and Kylynn was talking on an old cell phone that is now a toy.  She would say both sides of the conversation, "Hi, Audrey how are you doing"  "Oh, I'm good"  "That's good, actually we're at the grocery store"  "Oh that's nice, what are you buying"  "Well, I want to get strawberry ice cream, did you know that when I grow up I'm going to be a ballerina, a mommy, a baby doctor, and a teacher!"   And so on, you get the idea.  This guy was walking by us and he looked at her so confused as to whether or not she was actually a four year old with her own cell phone walking around the grocery store talking, I could see it in his eyes, the thought, "is this what our world is coming to."  In case you too are wondering that, the answer is yes, but not with my family so don't judge me, it's just a play phone.

The trip usually goes pretty well as long as I have a good bit of resistance built up to Jack's whining, he is really into whining these days and can do it for a few hours straight, no problem.  The check out lane is the hardest part, I never noticed how many items they put down on the kids' level to drive their parents crazy tempt them.  I spend a lot of time saying no, you cannot have a barbie coloring book, no you cannot have a new movie, no you cannot have a lollipop, and Kylynn please come back over here.  All the while ignoring Jack's whining and unloading my cart.  But all in all it's a good trip and I hope to get all my grocery shopping done before baby #3 comes home, because I cannot imagine what that would be like, I'm getting hives just thinking about it.

Oh, it has just come to my attention that I will still need to purchase food after having three children, I need to go and think that through.  But I'll leave you with a walk down memory lane, back when times weren't as easy.

I apologize (Originally posted April 2008)

I owe some people an apology.

Have you ever seen the show "Super Nanny"? It is a great show and I think the super nanny is wonderful and quite talented at child rearing techniques. I watch it from time to time and even did so before I had a child myself. That's where the apology comes in. I used to watch the show and go, who are these people! Who can't control a two year old, after all you, the parent, are bigger, stronger, and smarter than a two year old! I passed judgement on them and decided that they were "bad parents". I most sincerely apologize.

A few days ago, I took my little two year old to the grocery store. She wined the entire time, causing me to begin to become frantic and lose my mind (we were there almost two hours!). She whined and demanded a cookie, I went to the other side of the store and gave her one, just for a few minutes of peace. 

She took off her seat belt and laid on the floor of the "car" shopping cart, I kneeled down and begged her to please let me put the seat belt back on her, I apparently sounded as stressed as I felt, because a police office and his partner came down the aisle and stood there and watched me until I got her situated (that didn't help with my stress level). 

She knocked down an entire box of taco seasoning packets and as I bent down to try and pick them all up, I considered laying down on the ground and crying for a few minutes, but decided against it. I had two employees come up to me and ask if I needed any help finding things, because I was staring into space trying to think about which product was cheaper, but not able to concentrate due to her whine/scream. I may have developed a fear of going to the grocery store with a child (does that have a name?). And I am sure that anyone who watched how I dealt with Kylynn, thought, that lady needs to go on super nanny, she can't control her little two year old!

Considering that this is not how my days normally go, I don't think I qualify for super nanny. But the point is, raising children is so much harder than it looks, and two year olds may be smarter than we think :) Now I know, I will never again look at someone else's parenting and say, "I will never ..."