Monday, June 8, 2009

A heavy load

I used to read about God's people in the Bible, the Jewish people, and think what is wrong with those people, how can they be so disobedient, how can they have such little faith, they forget so quickly.

Now, I read it and it brings me comfort, because so often I have become exactly like the Jewish people in the Bible, doubting God just days after he performed a miracle in my life, or deciding I can really get through my days without Him because after all I'm busy and I'm pretty good at controlling my life.

If I was to walk you through our adoption story (most of which you can read throughout this blog) any fool would tell you God's hand was upon this journey. Every single thing we prayed for God took care of. It was as if He said, "Look, ALL I want from you is to obey Me, I will take care of EVERYTHING else." And He did.

So how is it that, every time the next thing comes up in this journey I can forget all I've learned and decide to take it upon myself to handle this problem.

Jack is doing great, he is healthy and thriving, he is walking, talking, and happy as can be. The only problem in his health now is his size, he is 15 months old now and according to the growth chart is the size of an average 7 month old. This is not entirely unexpected, after all he did have a cleft palate for the first 13 months of his life, has had his world turned upside down in the last six months, and was little when he was born. But being a mom, I find myself obsessing over this so-called problem (although the doctor does not even call it that), I take it upon my shoulders to fix it. I am constantly thinking about how much (or little as the case may be) food he's eaten, comparing him to every child his age we meet, and wondering if there is something I should be doing differently.

The other night I had worried myself into exhaustion as I lay in bed trying to sleep I felt like there was an elephant on my chest. I finally remembered who could actually take care of this situation and began to pray. The Lord spoke to me in a story to help me to see the situation more clearly, this is what He showed me.

I was walking in some kind of airport, carrying just enough baggage that I was able to do it, but was bent over under the weight, walking at a snail's pace. My heavenly father walked up to me and said, "May I please carry that baggage for you".

I responded without thinking, the way I've been trained to reply, "No, I can do it". "My dear daughter," he responded, "it would make Me glad if you would allow me to carry your baggage." "No" I said, "Look around us, there are people everywhere with way more baggage than me, go help those people, they really need You."

He smiled at me a loving smile without condemnation and said, "I am strong enough to carry all of my children's baggage, it is no trouble for Me." I ignored Him and kept walking, until something on the ground that I didn't see tripped me up. I fell to the ground, and once there was no longer able to get up. All the baggage was weighing me down and it was impossible to stand up with them draped all over my shoulders and back.

He walked over to me, picked up all my baggage one by one, then bent down and picked me up too. As we set off, I felt firmly grounded for the first time in weeks. The elephant was off my chest and peace filled me. I finally realized that indeed I could not do it all by myself and fell asleep safely in my Father's arms.

Unfortunately, I will again go and take that baggage back from the Lord, sure that I indeed need to be in control, but I remember that dream He gave me and I hand them back over and know that all I have to do is obey, He will take care of everything else.

Please pray for me that I do not allow Jack's height/weight to become my latest worry and also for Jack to eat well and grow to a healthy height and weight.

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