Running away from Home

When I get really overwhelmed by life I have this desire to run away. Very mature, I know. For some reason I do not possess that ability to just relax, to ignore all that's going on around me and breathe. Instead I feel like the walls are closing in on me, every little to-do jumps out at me around the house, every small problem is magnified, and I very quickly begin to become frantic.

So this past week we ran away from home. Really, you could call it a vacation, but it wasn't that as much as it was just pretending to live a different life for a week. We visited some family on our way into town but then Sunday evening through Thursday we just hung out at my parent's house (they were on vacation) and just relaxed. And it was very relaxing, there wasn't anything I "had" to do, no one asking my questions about my life, no one wanting some of my time. Just me and Kyle and Kylynn being still. We read, sat on the front porch, went to the river a couple of times, but mainly we breathed.

Do you ever get out into the middle of nowhere alone and suddenly feel your breathing change. You realize normally you breathe so shallow and quickly then you feel yourself relax and suddenly you're really breathing again. It was good to feel myself at calm, breathing again.

But now that we're home again I want to run away again. There was a huge pile of mail waiting for us, 8 messages on the machine, and huge questions to solve regarding our future. Something tells me that's not the answer though, instead I think it's to really listen and obey what God is trying to teach me. To trust Him, even when it's not making any sense right now. To allow Him to be in control, when I don't feel the need to be in control of all things I am so much calmer. To learn the possibility that God's perfect life for me is different than the perfect life I designed for myself, and His perfection is real, mine is not.

As crazy as it sounds when my life gets turned upside down, after the franticness I begin to feel such praise. I think what I love most about my God is that He doesn't make sense to me most of the time, that He is not someone I can fully comprehend. That His "perfect plan" can feel like a mess and yet really be good and perfect. And that He is in control, I cling to that with all I have, and in that fact, I find rest.