Yesterday was a hard day. I could give a list of excuses (the heat, the months of all kids all the time, the busyness) but lets' be honest, it boils down to this, I am a sinner. A sinner so very thankful for grace, because if this gift of salvation, of eternity in heaven with Him, had anything to do with me, even the me now who is walking with the Lord and has the Holy Spirit inside of me, it would have disappeared a long time ago.
When Kyle came home ready to celebrate his birthday, the dinner I had planned for him was still in the early stages and I had been interrupted so many times I lost my cool. He walked in a said in his kindest tone, are you okay, I could hearing you yelling at Kylynn out in the front yard. Oh yeah, I had blown it big time, I was yelling so loud at her out back that my husband could hear us in the front, which meant others could hear us to, others who I profess Jesus to and hope someday they will be willing to listen to the story of what He's done for me.
I started to despair, I started to hear the words of the enemy accusing me, telling me I was a failure at this mom thing, at this Christian thing, at all of it. But I had spent the week wrapped up in truth, I had been immersing myself every chance I got in listening to a Tony Evans podcast, I had been diving into the word, and praying in an effort to remain sane, as life began to grind me down. For the first time in a long time I had actually put on the full armor of God and I could feel a difference. I heard what the deceiver was telling me but it was merely a whisper, instead truth jumped to my mind, quickly and loudly.
I could see the going ons of heaven and it brought me such peace. I saw the courtroom where our heavenly Father, in complete holiness and justice, sits on the throne. I could see Satan come before him and list my sins, the ones I had just committed, that demanded punishment from a just God, demanding I be punished. But then Jesus interceded for me, "excuse me Father, that one she is mine, see right here her name is written in my book. And that sin yes, sin # 10,429,934, I see it right here, and written next to it is 'paid.' And the one she did right after that sin # 10,429,935, also paid, and the one Satan is going to bring to your attention in five minutes sin # 10,429,936, she hasn't done it yet, but it too is paid. I have paid her debt, the penalty she owes has been paid by my death on the cross, she does not owe a thing.
I was able to see the situation correctly, I was able to see myself correctly. I stopped and I asked for forgiveness, for help to repent from the sin of yelling that I often fall into. I found my daughter and asked for her forgiveness for what I had done, and I moved on. I sang the song that has been my anthem this summer, "I need you, oh I need you! Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God how I need you!" I made dinner, I loved my children, I celebrated my husband, and I made a mental note that immersing myself in God's word needs to always be the priority in my life, that it is the difference in living this life well and living a life of defeat.