Thursday, December 9, 2010

Two years ago



Two years ago, I did one of the bravest things of my life, I took you from her arms, the only arms you had ever wanted, and told you you were mine.  I held you while you slept.  I held you while you screamed, while you fought with every bit of strength your body had to get away from me.  I prayed over you and I told you I loved you, and when I didn't know what else to do I cried too, and clung to the promises of my Father.  In the end, we had become mother and son, through the fire, we found love and an unbreakable bond.

We got on a plane the next day, you had finally fallen asleep, on this day long journey to my home, our home soon.  I laid my weary head back, closed my eyes, and began to listen to the music I brought along.  The words washed over me as if I had never heard them, they were bigger than before and when they sang of God's grace and mercy, His goodness, and His plans and I was undone.

I looked at you sleeping, memorizing the way you looked, and I worshiped Him.  The words were like good medicine, refreshing me and giving me the strength I would need for this journey, this day long plane ride and this lifetime of questions.  More words were sung, how He holds us in His hands, how big He is, how Holy is our God, and my soul spilled over, poured out tear by tear, the joy was too big to hold inside of me.  God.  Is.  So.  Good.

Two years later I doubt a day goes by that I don't look at you and am overcome with a need to worship.  God.  Is.  So.  Good.  And you my dear boy, are a gift.  I understand the way God loves me more since you came home to me, that He would pick me to raise you, a gift.  That this is the plan God had for me, a gift.

Last week you woke sleepy from your nap and I asked if I could hold you, you said yes and laid your head on my shoulder.  I stood there looking out the window at that gray day, slowly rocking from foot to foot, and He whispered to me, I am using you, this is a good work for me.  This, I asked, this is just love and everything good in my life, this is a good work for you?  Yes, my child, you are walking on the path I set you on.  The tears came again, just as they had two years ago, God. Is. So. Good.

Today, we will celebrate, that on the other side of pain and loss, is a love that makes us a family.  We will celebrate all the mess that is adoption, your birth mom choosing life and your foster mom choosing to love without regard for self.  That you are Korean, that you are American, that you are Jack, and that you are Hyeon-jun.  Most of all we will celebrate our God, that He is good, and He longs to give good gifts to His children.  You my baby boy, are a good, good gift.



7 comments:

Elizabeth@Romans8:15 said...

Happy anniversary! Beautiful!

Nilam said...

Has it already been two years! The time has gone so fast! Your family is beautiful and is something to be very proud of.

emily wierenga said...

This, I asked, this is just love and everything good in my life, this is a good work for you? Yes, my child, you are walking on the path I set you on. The tears came again, just as they had two years ago, God. Is. So. Good.


oh, dear jenny, this grabbed me hard. this is what he wants of us--and how beautifully you obey. how beautifully you mother. having lived in korea, i feel somewhat akin to your handsome little guy. what a culture he comes from. what a darling. thank you so much for sharing. (btw, this is the last imperfect prose until the new year. merry christmas!)

Melissa Campbell said...

Beautiful words, story, mother-heart. I see God-smiles here. Blessings.

alittlebitograce said...

*tear* happy anniversary!

David N. said...

My wife and I are adoptive parents as well, so this rings true for me. Thank you.

deb said...

how absolutely beautiful