I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately but....

You would think after four years of blogging, I would be good at this, I would have crossed over the threshold into blogs that will stand the test of time.  Well maybe you wouldn't, but I think those things.  But as of late I have been a horrible blog slacker and it scares me, because this blog is pretty much the only outlet I have.  Writing is the one activity (that I do!) that I enjoy and is purely for me, it's one of the few (non-mommy) things that I feel like I am *somewhat* good at.

But all hope is not lost, we are allowed seasons in our lives, right?  And we can learn from our mistakes and make better choices next time, so they tell us at least.  I have a lot of good reasons and some pitiful ones to blame for my lack of blogging lately.  In no particular order I give you my "I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately but..."

I have three kids, ok the lady who just gave birth to her 7th over at Vitafamiliae still manages to blog everyday, but I have yet to figure out her secret.  As it is my children fill up my day to overflowing and often fill up parts of the night.

They invited Pinterest.  At the end of a long day (are the days ever short?) if I want to veg I am no longer limited to checking on the blogs I love, I can click over to Pinterest and see what they're pinning.   After getting sucked in I leave feeling like my eyeballs are going to fall out from staring at a screen that long.  When I'm done the last thing I want to do is do something else on the computer.

I am questioning how much I should be sharing about our life, our struggles with our children, and what we do on a regular basis with the whole world (because you know the whole world is reading :).  But as they get older I sometimes want to tell you this crazy/horrible/hilarious thing they did and think but would they want that up on the internet for all to know, probably not.  So that leaves me just confused enough to throw my hands up in the air and click over to Pinterest instead.

I joined facebook.  It has not been the time suck that people warned me about, but still it's one more thing that I put before checking in over here in blogland.  In addition sometimes when I'm really excited about something, like getting our IRS refund after 10 months of fighting I share it there instead of here and once out of my head I forget all about it and am left thinking I have nothing to blog about.

I am tired in a way I've never been before.  We are all still adjusting around here to being a family of five, to the challenges and stresses adoption can bring to a family.  This past year I have learned so very much about my inadequacies, about my need for a community to help me on this road, about what it means to rejoice in suffering.  I have found some great books, some great friends, some great support and I know that God will provide everything we need for this journey but that doesn't change how much it takes out of me each day.

So those are my excuses, both the good and bad, and some others have been kept quiet, lest you get sick of my complaining (I'm working on it :).  But one of my goals for 2012 (it's something I plan on blogging about soonish...) is to return to blogging two times a week, because this blog is important to me for many reasons.  Top of the list is you, the people who come here a read my attempts at writing and most especially those of you who have reached out to me and become real life friends who were my first support group and to this day some of my favorite people.

Spring has sprung

I credit Pinterest (and yes it is impossible for me to have a single post without talking about them) for it, this spring break has been amazing!  I am way more laid back and unorganized than I ever like to admit so most spring breaks we pretty much just take a break from, well, everything :).

We had our pajama/fort building/movie day on Friday and it was enough to fuel me for some get out the house time the rest of the week.  Monday we put on our rain boots and headed out for a nature hike.  The kids had so much fun and I hurt my cheeks smiling at their joy in splashing and their sheer excitement in finding a worm!! a rolly polly!! look mom a giant stick!!

We also had lunch with Daddy on Monday, which was Jack's only request for what fun thing he would like to do over spring break, now that will make a Daddy feel special.  Tuesday we headed to Target (which is a highly requested destination from the kiddos, though you know I happily oblige).  They love Target because they know they get to have popcorn and they wanted to spend some of their money that they had saved up or gotten as a gift.  Mommy got two new spring Essie nail polish colors with her money, so it was a win win.

image credit

That afternoon we made cookies, well ok most people would not call them cookies, they were healthy peanut butter cookies from Dr. Oz (one guess where I found the recipe), they contained no butter or sugar and very little flour.  Anyways I've been trying to change our eating habits around here and so I was excited about these cookies and I had ever thing on hand.  Only after finishing the dough did I start to read the reviews and realize uh-oh everyone says they're horrible.  So I went back and added some baking powder, some salt to help bring out some of the sweetness, and some chocolate chips because let's face it my children will eat anything if it has chocolate chips in it.  They were still just barely pasable, but Kylynn loves them (I love that girl) Jack has managed to get down one (score, snuck fruit into him!) and Chloe loves to break them into a million pieces and feed them to the dog.

Wednesday was a bit non-spring break of a day for us, Jack had speech in the morning and then we ran errands.  But we got to have lunch with our adoption group and it was one of the highlights of the week for me.  The park was swarming with adoptive/interracial families, and I got to meet several new families.  It was so comforting to see something that I have been asking God for since we began this process become a reality, families like ours to walk along side of on this journey, God's goodness is always overwhelming to me when I stop and pay attention.

Source: littlewondersdays.blogspot.com via Jenny on Pinterest

Today I kind of lost my mind and decided that I should do a craft with the kids, after all crafting is Kylynn's love language and it's something I never do with her.  I found this shaving cream painting project for Easter and thought I can do this...maybe (that's the best it gets when it comes to me and crafts).  First I gathered all my supplies and could not find the construction paper anywhere so we spent the next 20 minutes searching and gave up and headed out to the dollar store.  Perhaps it should be noted that I look like I have the flu with my sweats/old t-shirt/frizzy hair/no make-ups self, but we only need one thing, and I have no time for dignity when I just want to get this crappy fun craft done.  We came home with three things but still they were only a dollar and began our project.  Kylynn had fun and they even turned out like they did in the pictures on-line (mostly).   But the thing about crafts is there is always cleaning involved so I spent about 30 minutes returning our garage/children/cookie sheets back into their normal color.  So if you get an egg card from us for Easter know that it was 3 hours of my life I will never have back again, and that is how much I love you.

I will now go and recover by sleeping and then only if there's time taking a shower.  Tomorrow Daddy is taking off of work (can I get an Amen!) and we're off for an adventure and I do mean adventure because we have no idea what we're doing, but by golly we are going somewhere and doing something!

How's the break going friends?  What is the most fun things you've done?  Did it involve crafting :)?

Let the break begin

Spring break started a little early around here, the kids don't have school on Fridays, it's rainy and cold, so I declared it pajama day.

One of Jack's friends gave him the coolest birthday gift ever, a fort kit (apparently you can find this on pinterest, of course :)  We got the fort up, which is difficult for moms, but I got it figured and and we let the fun begin.

The kids are watching Milo and Otis, eating popcorn and drinking lemonade, and it's only 11 in the morning.  I'm trying my best to slow down this week, to not yell, to be with my kids, to let some of the chores go.

Chloe perhaps has different goals in mind, as she can't seem to stop hitting/pinching/poking the big kids.  She also threw her popcorn all over the floor.  But I'm trying to remember she's only one and perhaps some attention from me might help with these behaviors.

I'm going to get on pinterest later today and plan out some fun things we can do this week.  How about you, what are you doing for spring break?  And if you have any ideas for me, I would love to hear them, creative I am not :).

This Birthday party was brought to you in part by Pinterest

blowing out the candles

Jack turned four at the end of February.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around that, four, four is a big kind, officially no longer a toddler.  And everyone knows a big kid deserves a friend birthday party, something I try and avoid when they're too young to know or care who attends their birthday party.  So I spent some time on pinterest and planned out a Fireman birthday party, at the request of the four year old.

we had a pinata, Chloe figured it out without instruction :)

First I did the ol' evite of course, but for the kids in his class I needed a physical invitation so I copied Rage Against the Minivan's idea and printed out the evite as a photo, to pass out to all the kids in his class.  They turned out great and cost me 10 cents a pop.

For the cake I knew that no amount of pinning would help me turn out anything other than a hot pink cake with chicken scrawl that said "Happy fireman Birthday party Jack." So I turned to a professional who also happens to be a dear friend (I'm telling you folks if you cannot craft to save your life surround yourself with those who can and you will never be disappointed).  When I saw what she had made Jack I cried, yes I'm for real, all I had told her was it's a fireman birthday party and ps- can you use lots of frosting because I love your frosting so much I want to eat it with a spoon.  And she came up with this amazing firetruck cake, with all these details like "ladder 4" and "JCFD" (Jack C fire department) on it.  I really couldn't believe that she expected us to cut it up and feed it to everyone like it wasn't a piece of art, until I remembered the frosting and I decided it was worth it.

Source: mamalovesfood.com via Jenny on Pinterest

I tried to keep the food simple considering the party was not going to overlap a meal time and it's enough to make anyone lose their mind trying to clean a house with three children still in it!  So I just did chips and candied jalapeno dip (it was ridiculously good), fruit, pigs in a blanket, and these amazing ham and cheese crescent rolls (have I told you how much I love that blog).  I'm known for overdoing it in the food department, but actually most of it was eaten up and it wasn't even me who ate it :).

All the decorating came straight from pinterest.  I thread balloons using a thread and needle and hung them up all over the house, we cut up plastic table cloths and hung them above the food table and the gift table, and at the last minute I rolled out some wrapping paper as a table runner on the snack table.  It was the most decorating I have ever done for a party but it was all easy and looked great.  I was up till the wee hours in the morning threading 50 balloons and hanging them though out the house, easy but time consuming.

The party really felt like a success and I think Jack felt loved and celebrated the way I hoped he would.  Besides his friends and their families we had a lot of our family come down, which was like icing on the cake (hah!).  I'm still finding a balloon here and there over a week later, and I've made a mental note: come July when the kids are making you feel like you might run away from home, head to the dollar store and buy them some balloons, fill them up and let them play, hours of fun!

Googling symptoms (bad), reading (good), and my friend Pandora

* I've been reading an amazing book lately called, Parenting your Internationally adopted child by Patty Cogen, it's really relevant to my children and frankly I should have read it before Jack came home and be re-reading it now to refresh, live and learn.  Anyways, it's making me see some of my children's behavior in completely different ways.  The other day Chloe threw a fit when I gave her lunch and no matter what I offered, something different to eat, to get down, keep eating, she was hysterical.  The words in the book kept coming back to me and I felt so defeated that I couldn't comfort her or anticipate her needs, I stated to fear we haven't made as much progress as I had thought.  And then she threw up all over me and was happy again.  I've never been so happy to be thrown up on :).

image credit

*I listen to my Pandora station every night while I cook dinner, throw in a glass of wine and it almost makes cooking while three children scream/beg for food/hit each other over the head worth it.  But it helps, that's for sure.  I've had this station for a few years and it's really on the ball with playing music I like.  But the other night, they played some song that I didn't like so I hit the "thumbs down" button and was sure the next one would be one I had already approved, but no it was another song that I didn't like and instead of hitting the "thumbs down" button I just left it alone.  It occurred to me later, that I have begun to think of Pandora as someone with feelings and I just couldn't stand to hurt her (his?) feelings by disliking two of it's songs in a row.  Perhaps I need to get out more.

*In other news of being an overly anxious mommy, yesterday Chloe had purple lips in the morning after we got home from running some errands.  I started to decide it was no big deal, then thought well I might as well google it (always a bad decision).  It told me some possibilities and to look at her finger tips and tongue.  Her fingertips were fine but her tongue and mouth was also purple!  I decided that it was officially she is not getting enough oxygen and maybe there is something wrong with her heart and was just about to make an appointment when I noticed that her teeth were purple too.  That seemed odd, I mean I don't think our teeth need oxygen, then I remembered, she had spent the last hour drinking purple juice!  And I now remind you and myself that one should never google any symptom ever again.

Source: mamalovesfood.com via Jenny on Pinterest

*I found this food blog and even though I wasn't hungry, every single recipe made me start to drool.   People following my on pinterest are going to hate me, I pinned about 15 of her recipes in 10 minutes.  You should totally check out, Mama Loves Food, I'm making her baked potato soup (crock pot) recipe as we speak!!  Plus she has a recipe for cinnamon roll cookies, I know right!

*Jack told me the other day, "mommy your my best friend."  And that pretty much made my month.

*I just finished book two in the Hunger Games series and so far, I'm enjoying them, don't get me wrong but I've just not been swept away by them the way people say.  Lost on the other hand is consuming me I'm half way through the last season and I can't decide if I want to not sleep and stay up all night watching them or watch one episode per month so that it will last longer.  I am so sad that it's almost over.

Source: img4.southernliving.com via Leigh on Pinterest

*Did I ever tell you we got our issue with the IRS resolved, we did!!  I got our check a week ago, we're getting some new windows in our old house because currently our windows aren't doing much more than plastic tarp when it comes to being energy efficient.  This is one of the ways to tell that you are old, when buying windows for your home is an exciting purchase and one you put before buying new cell phones.

*And for the grandparents because I love you and I know you love her, here's a video of Chloe being cute, singing me a song from her book.  PS- I'm not sure why I end the video by saying, "goodbye I love you," like I'm getting off the phone with Chloe, I'm just not all here these days and it's my kids' fault.

Love that Sticks

It was in the days leading up to Jack's cleft palate surgery, he had just turned one, and I was overwhelmed, terrified, and physically ill because of my anxiety.  I have a strong fear of doctor appointments, hospitals, blood, basically everything that had or would consume the weeks leading up to and following his surgery.

I was on my way to an appointment with the plastic surgeon and I was crying and couldn't seem to get a grip, I prayed some pitiful prayer, "help, I can't do this, and I think I'm freaking out."  My immediate answer, the voice on the radio began to sing to me, "why are you striving these days.  Why are you trying to earn grace.  Why are you crying.  Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away."*  I felt God place His hands on my face, my chin raised and I could see something besides my own fear.  He calmed me as He spoke to my heart through the words of a song, my shoulders relaxed and my heart stopped hurting.

"Why are you looking for love.  Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough.  To where will you go child, tell me where will you run.  To where will you run."*  Why had I (why do I always) try to carry around my burdens, when He was always waiting for me to hand them over.  Why is it that I so easily forget that His grace is enough.

"And I'll be by your side, where ever you fall.  In the dead of night, whenever you call.  And please don't fight these hands that are holding you.  My hands are holding you."*  I had spent the past months thrashing about in these safe arms longing to just hold me, calm me,  and whisper how much I am loved.  I had chosen independence over dependence on Him and it had made me sick.

"Look at these hands and my side, they swallowed the grave on that night, when I drank the world's sin.  So I could carry you in and give you life, I want to give you life."*  Life, He longs to give me life, life in abundance.  He is already victorious over death over the storms of this life.  He's got this under control,  and He will take care of me, of Jack, of everything.

I wiped the tears away and walked into that waiting room like a new person.  Jack had his surgery a week later and Kyle and I spent the hours in the waiting area saturated with peace.  I had finally allowed Him control, I had finally cast my cares upon Him, I had tasted and known that the Lord is good, and it changed my life.

I love the radio station, KSBJ for many reasons, but mainly because when life is causing me to freak out again, God is able to use this station, their music and their DJs to help me to re-focus on him.  Right now they are doing the "Love that Sticks" campaign for Valentine's day and I knew that I had to take part.  God reminded me how He can speak through a song, a quote, a note, without the author every knowing they're being used, to calm someone, to heal a heart, to bring long sought peace.

So I spent the morning putting up sticky notes in the buildings we visited, the hospital and Target.  And I felt part spy/part Jesus freak :), and 100% joyful!  If you have anywhere to go today or tomorrow I encourage you to participate, just take a post-it note write an encouraging message or scripture on it and include on the bottom: "lovethatsticks.com"  Stick it wherever you feel led, who knows what God could use your note to accomplish in someone's life.



Love That Sticks Listener Testimonies from 89.3 KSBJ on Vimeo.

*all quotes are from "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North

What Kylynn has taught me about fashion (take II)

One of life's many surprises when it comes raising children is watching Kylynn develop her love for fashion.  Let's just say that I unconsciously only buy solid color clothes and often will buy a shirt I like in three or four colors, I am boring when it comes to my fashion choices and Kyle well he wears your typical business atire, everyday.  So Kylynn, mainly influenced by her own creativity and perhaps inherited some genes from her aunt Jessie, breathes new life into me when I see her come down in the morning for school.

By pure will she convinced me to allow her to dress herself around two and a half and has been going strong ever since.  Her style is all her own and let's just say I take notice when she has a day where she wears a matching outfit, it's few and far between.  But even though sometimes I falter for a moment and think, really you are going to embarrass me, I love her style.  I love that she dresses for her alone and it has never occurred to her to try and fit into someone else's mold.

This is what I've been learning from her lately, I spend entirely too much time worrying about what other people think about me.  There are outfits I love myself in that I always end up changing out of before I leave the house because I'm worried that I'm not really "cool enough" to pull it off (and I'm not but who cares!) or that I feel like I shouldn't wear because they're for skinny people.  But she has taught me that people look beautiful when they love what they're wearing that people who feel beautiful are beautiful.

She reminds me daily that our fashion choices are a way to express who we are, and when did I decide that who I am is someone safe, and plain, and easily forgotten.  Kylynn's outfits grab people's attention. But then they get to know her and stay captivated by who she is, kind and loving, happy and funny, smart and independent.  She knows who she is, and she loves who she is.  I want to be like that more often, I want to dress like that more often.  Maybe I should start letting her pick out my clothes....