Finding out I don't know everything, the hard way

I've never told y'all this, but after we finished our home study to adopt Jack the social worker had the gall to tell us that she didn't think we were mentally prepared for International adoption and would not forward on our home study until we read this huge packet of training material.

Until about six months ago I thought that lady was a little high on her power and quite frankly confused.  See in case you don't know me in real life, I'm a really good mom, and we had parented for a whole year! before we began the process to adopt Jack.  You know basically we were experts and really how hard could this whole adoption thing be...ahem.

She was concerned that we didn't have answers for how we would raise him as Korean in an white family, how we would handle his questions about adoption, how we would help him navigate life as someone who is white on the inside, Korean on the outside, and constantly faced with the fact that he is different.

I read her dumb articles, mostly about children from orphanages (didn't apply to me), and children with attachment disorder (definitely didn't apply to me).  We moved forward and without trying I began to become educated on adoption, the orphan crisis, emotional problems adopted children face, what it's like to be an interracial family, and so on.  I read blogs mainly and learned from other's stories the reality of the life I was beginning.

But that is where my education ended, until I began the ultimate school of adoption, the day I met my son.  We came home and I saw that regardless of how much I loved him, his heart was broken on that day I took him from his foster mother.  Part of him was forever lost when I took him from his country, his language, his food, his world.  I was too tired to read the books then, so I prayed and I held him and I cried and we figured it out, it took a long time, but we were okay, or so I thought.

Then one day, my son began to cry and sob over the loss of his foster mother and his country.  He began to ask me daily to go back and see her, to see it.  I had no answers for him, I listen and I prayed but I didn't know how to help him heal.  I finally bought a book and began to read it, I finally understood that this path we're on goes on forever, that the loss he has had to face is not a thing of the past, but a part of who he is.

Today I saw a friend of mine and just dumped on her everything that we've been dealing with lately and she asked me how we've been handling it, and I told her the truth, I have no idea what I am doing.  She too is an adoptive mom and is dealing with many of the same issues, she told me about another book that she highly recommends (it was another one I thought didn't apply to me, I may never learn).  When I left everything in my life was just the same as it was when I walked into that room, but it made me better having a safe person to tell the truth to, someone to tell me that we're normal, and to help me find a way out of this.

I don't want to scare anyone out there out of adopting, no matter how hard it is, it will always be one the best things in my life.  But I do want to scare you a little, scare you enough to stop you from making the same mistakes I've made, to go into this process with more solutions and less pride.  Read the books, join the support group, find the right friends.  Other adoptive families will be your life line, if you don't know anyone else who's family looks like yours, walk up to strangers at the store and ask them to be your friend, if they're like me they will happily, because we've all been there.  Seek out friends of your children's race, bribe them with food, and have them in your home at least once a week, adopt grown up Korean people to go with your little Korean people :).

In the end remember that we are to do what is best for children, we are to read the books, and find the support, and parent them the way they need to be parented (not the way others parent their biological children), but most of all we are to pray.  To come before the Lord and lay it all at his feet and tell him that there is not a thing in the world I can do to fix this mess that is adoption.  Trust Him with the answer, trust Him to make us all better, trust Him that He has already overcome the world and it's problems.  The fact that love covers a multitude of sins is perhaps the sweetest promise to me today.



The two books I am currently reading in this journey are Parenting Your Internationally adopted child and The Connected Child

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately but....

You would think after four years of blogging, I would be good at this, I would have crossed over the threshold into blogs that will stand the test of time.  Well maybe you wouldn't, but I think those things.  But as of late I have been a horrible blog slacker and it scares me, because this blog is pretty much the only outlet I have.  Writing is the one activity (that I do!) that I enjoy and is purely for me, it's one of the few (non-mommy) things that I feel like I am *somewhat* good at.

But all hope is not lost, we are allowed seasons in our lives, right?  And we can learn from our mistakes and make better choices next time, so they tell us at least.  I have a lot of good reasons and some pitiful ones to blame for my lack of blogging lately.  In no particular order I give you my "I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much lately but..."

I have three kids, ok the lady who just gave birth to her 7th over at Vitafamiliae still manages to blog everyday, but I have yet to figure out her secret.  As it is my children fill up my day to overflowing and often fill up parts of the night.

They invited Pinterest.  At the end of a long day (are the days ever short?) if I want to veg I am no longer limited to checking on the blogs I love, I can click over to Pinterest and see what they're pinning.   After getting sucked in I leave feeling like my eyeballs are going to fall out from staring at a screen that long.  When I'm done the last thing I want to do is do something else on the computer.

I am questioning how much I should be sharing about our life, our struggles with our children, and what we do on a regular basis with the whole world (because you know the whole world is reading :).  But as they get older I sometimes want to tell you this crazy/horrible/hilarious thing they did and think but would they want that up on the internet for all to know, probably not.  So that leaves me just confused enough to throw my hands up in the air and click over to Pinterest instead.

I joined facebook.  It has not been the time suck that people warned me about, but still it's one more thing that I put before checking in over here in blogland.  In addition sometimes when I'm really excited about something, like getting our IRS refund after 10 months of fighting I share it there instead of here and once out of my head I forget all about it and am left thinking I have nothing to blog about.

I am tired in a way I've never been before.  We are all still adjusting around here to being a family of five, to the challenges and stresses adoption can bring to a family.  This past year I have learned so very much about my inadequacies, about my need for a community to help me on this road, about what it means to rejoice in suffering.  I have found some great books, some great friends, some great support and I know that God will provide everything we need for this journey but that doesn't change how much it takes out of me each day.

So those are my excuses, both the good and bad, and some others have been kept quiet, lest you get sick of my complaining (I'm working on it :).  But one of my goals for 2012 (it's something I plan on blogging about soonish...) is to return to blogging two times a week, because this blog is important to me for many reasons.  Top of the list is you, the people who come here a read my attempts at writing and most especially those of you who have reached out to me and become real life friends who were my first support group and to this day some of my favorite people.

And so the beauty began

Today is my anniversary.  Eleven is the number and I think you all get the idea already, about how I love my husband and about how he's a really very good husband, it's true.  But there is something that you might not know about me, about the eleven years.  It was hard at first, still sometimes is.  But I'm talking about the hard where you go into the bathroom and turn on the shower so no one will hear you sobbing, hard.  I'm talking about the hard where you spend hours toying with the thought, maybe we made a mistake.  Where you cannot fathom your life with or without this supposed other half.

When Kyle and I got married, I had firmly turned my back on God, I had decided that I was going to live my life the way I wanted.  I had bought into the lies of the world and I wasn't going to allow God to talk me out of doing what it was I wanted to do, including marrying whomever I wanted to marry.  This life was meant to be enjoyed, the wisdom in the Bible, it didn't apply to me.

I never consulted God when it came to Kyle, nor him when it came to me.  We were young and in love and couldn't imagine that we would ever feel anyway else.  After we got married we reaped what we had sowed, the wages of our sin was death and we felt it in our marriage, death eating at the love we thought would be enough.

Yet there was never a moment when He wasn't there with us in our pit.  Our DaddyGod, always standing right there waiting, asking for us to turn, waiting to catch us when we fell, protecting us from ourselves.  No matter how much we had tried to turn away, we were still His children.  It wasn't long before the shine wore off from the world, living for ourselves left us empty, starving, we were alone and we had no idea how to fix what we had broken.

After nine months of marriage we walked into our church, and God began to make us whole again.  We showed up that day with our hands full of ashes and we traded them all in, every one, not sure what we would get in return but sick of holding on to that which burns.  And so the beauty began.  Just a little at first, a friendly smile, the promise of friendships to come.  But beauty multiples, blessing upon blessing.  Soon it was a flood, truth spoken over our lives, mentors to show us how to love, teach us what the Bible says about marriage, an example, a blue print, an understanding not just of how to be one flesh, but of how to walk with our God.  People who were not afraid to come into our pit in order to pull us out, friends who would become family, prayers and then more prayers.

Ten plus years later our church trusts us to do pre-marital counseling and I remind myself that it is a privilege.  To be able to go back in time and speak to those young lovers, to tell them the truth about marriage, to tell them just how hard it is, how much work it can be, to insist that they understand, a strand of two will break, it has to be a strand of three.  To let them in on the secret that while all of that is true, a marriage built on the Rock of Ages, is joy, is laughter, is finding out what you've been missing all these years.

Eleven years ago when my faith was so small, when I had decided that I no longer needed the One who saved me, I used to cry out to Him to please take away the pain, to please make it all better.  I never could have imagined that he would do this, I would have settled for mediocre, for just being happy.  But our Father longs to give good gifts to His children, He desires that my life be lived to the full.  And it was for His glory that He saw fit to turn my marriage into such beauty, to build a family here, a legacy, a place where He can dwell.

Happy Anniversary Kyle, you are the best part of the beauty, you are just one more gift I never deserved.  I'm pretty sure I would be boring and small minded and probably fat if I didn't have you :).  You make me happy!

Community

This week I have walked around with a lump in my throat.  Tears right behind my eyes, ready to fall with the slightest emotion.  But here's the thing, it has been a good week, an amazing week.  I keep looking around me at this life God is creating, it reminds me of a quilt, each unique block when sewn together creates something beautiful.  I feel it, my cup so full, running over with joy, with contentment.

For years I have been praying for God to provide for our family what it was missing.  To bring to us Korean people who would love us, who would walk this road with us, who would care about my children.  For years I have prayed for families that look like ours to come into our life, for my children to not wonder why they're the only adopted children they know or why they are the only one without a white face.  Recently God has begun to teach me about community, I have begun to pray that He would make that a reality, that our life and our home would be filled with the body, a place where deep relationships can be formed.

It took me a long time to realize that she was the answer to my prayers, it wasn't until I realized how much she needed us that I saw our need for her.  Watching her set the table or help us make dessert,  is the answer to the prayer I've never put into words, the longing He placed in my heart long ago.  Last night she taught me how to bow correctly and told me that Chloe has a Korean accent.  As my children grow they will have a face that looks like theirs around the dinner table, they will hear her whisper Korean to them, her presence will change their lives.

Then this week I met her, I was both surprised and expectant, deep down knowing she would come, another mother like me, another family like ours.  And no matter how I tried on that day we met the tears kept sneaking up.  Before I knew her name I knew her heart and that was enough to know I had made a dear friend.  To have another friend who's walking this path of adoption, one I can reach out and touch, one who will be a daily part of our lives, a gift from a loving Father.

Always there is the mix of students and families, Americans and Internationals, new believers and mature ones that fill up my home each Sunday evening.  It is the day I look forward to most of all, to hear about their week, to praise God for the answered prayers, to be able to tell them I need their prayers, always I need their prayers.  Their wisdom on His word teach me and point me to the truth.  But most of all their laughter stays with me and it makes me lighter, carrying me through to the next week.

This week I've seen my life for the beautiful quilt it has become.  Solid in my chest I feel it, rising up as a lump in my throat.  This is the life He has created for me, an answer to the prayer he put on my lips, a life abundant, a life in community.

On potty training

In the midst of potty training there is always a moment when you feel like it is never going to happen, this child will never learn this new skill.  What you need is a little perspective.  I remember when I was potty training Kylynn and I had been cleaning poop out of underwear for two weeks asking my bible study group to pray for me and for her to get through this stage.  The leader of the group turned to me and gently told me that everything was going to be okay, Kylynn would learn this skill, she would not still be wearing diapers when she went off to kindergarten.  Which was of course my fear: that this stage of my life would never move forward that I would be stuck potty training forever.

So it was when Jack was walking around the house in his 12th pair of underwear in week three of potty training that I decided I needed some perspective, I needed someone to tell me everything was going to be okay.  I needed someone who could look in from the outside and give me some advice.

I called my friend who as a special needs pre-school teacher has potty trained many children, she is as far as I'm concerned a potty training expert.  I told her what I was doing and how it was (obviously) not working.  She gave me a new plan: set a timer for 10 minutes, every 10 minutes reward Jack for dry underwear (since that was our problem) with candy (don't forget you can cut up one piece of candy into four pieces), repeat until he's got it down.   Then move onto setting the timer for 30 minutes, and so on.

After only a couple of days he had an accident free day, earning a trip to the "movie eater" to see Cars 2.  After a couple more weeks we're down to having about one to two accidents a week.  Suddenly life is normal again, my baby boy is potty trained, he's not going to get kicked out of pre-school, I'm not going to lose my mind, and I've never been more grateful for a friend like her.

A celebration for Chloe

Some sweet friends of mine finally talked me into having a little shower for Chloe, I was a little hesitant to have a shower for a third baby (what would Emily Post say?).  But as someone pointed out, every baby deserves to be celebrated, and in our circle of friends we are blessed to get to get together on a regular basis to celebrate another baby!  My friends threw me a wonderful shower to celebrate Chloe's adoption.

It was definitely my kind of shower, we sat around and talked and talked, you know that great mama talk that can go on forever, sharing all the struggles your dealing with now and laughing at how silly some of the things that keep you up at night really are.

We ate the most amazing cupcakes, really amazing.  I'll let you in on a little secret, I'm not a fan of cupcakes and not really a fan of icing either, but these cupcakes and icing were to die for.  Actually my friend who made the cupcakes also is incredibly crafty, great with kids, has a great eye for style...I'm thinking that maybe it's not fair for God to give out talents so lopsidedly (can you believe spell check is not asking me to fix that word).

I have been blessed by so many gifts from these women and other friends throughout Chloe's adoption, prayers, meals, encouragement, and hand-me-downs, I really didn't want another thing.  Some people were sneaky and brought a little something, and I must admit it was nice to get Chloe's first personalized item.

Thank you all who came, I can't tell you what it means to have an evening to catch up with so many of the women I adore, it had been a long time and I had forgotten how much I need that.  There was a time where I had no real friends to my name, was newly married, and thought that there was no way God cared enough to help me out of the dark place I'd ended up.  When I look at each one of you I'm reminded how much He loves me, how much he has used each one of you as His hands and feet to show me just how special I am to Him.  You all are a blessing I never deserved but will hold onto as tight as I can.

Chloe's room

The room before, this is the only picture I could find, the day we moved in.

This is a view of what would become Chloe's room from our other "true" loft

When we began house hunting a couple of years ago we did what any two uptight people would do, we made a list of what the house had to have, what would be a nice bonus, and what would make it unacceptable.  Then we walked into our home and we broke all our rules, we bought a three bedroom, two and a half bath house with all the bedrooms upstairs, none of those things were supposed to happen (we were supposed to get more bedrooms and bathrooms out of a move).  But this was the house that God gave us and I love everything about it, how it's old and every room is crying out to be made new (and we get to do that!), it has a ton of space although admittedly a lot of that space is tricky to make use of.

Someday our daughters will share a room but for now Chloe needed her own room, so we took this three bedroom house and made it four.  Connected to our bedroom was a sitting room that was a loft, as in one of the walls was missing from it being a complete room.  So Kyle framed out the wall we hired someone to put up the sheet rock, Kyle took over again and textured and painted the room.

I couldn't seem to get a could picture w/o the flash which messes up the colors some but we you get the gist.

The after: Chloe's room

One of the reasons that God placed me in this house was so I could meet my friend, K, she is a talented woman whom I adore, she is probably the only person I enjoy talking on the phone to, she always makes me happy with her calls of something she has to tell me real quick, she is always enthusiastic about life.  Most importantly, K was one of the the biggest cheerleader in my life during Chloe's adoption and as soon as we found out it was a girl, she came over to show me the quilt she was making for my daughter.

It was like she had crawled inside my heart and discovered what I love, this quilt is so beautiful it includes my favorite colors and the patterns remind me of patterns I see on my grandmother's blankets and dishes.  It reminds me of walking through a antique store and finding a treasure.  I treasure this quilt and therefore I went against K's wishes and hung it up on the wall as the focal point of the room, I just had to design the room around it, Chloe can snuggle with it when she's older.  K went on to make me a bumper for the crib, a crib skirt, and curtains.  I cannot repay her for what she did for me, it's appropriate though that my daughter whom God gifted to me resides in a room filled with items gifted to me.

Our Easter weekend

We had a blessed Easter weekend celebrating the resurrection of our Savior.  We decided not to travel this year and had a relaxing weekend, that Kyle declared the best Easter ever.

Friday my new best friend came over and cleaned my house for me, okay I had to pay her but she did such a great job that I love her now, please don't tell her how much I love her or she'll be too scared to come clean my house anymore, and that would ruin my life.

Saturday, Kyle continued reading the Easter story to the kids, he decided that they would understand and remember it better if they acted it out, so I often walked into a room to find Jack as a solider or Kyle hanging on the cross.

We also cooked, a lot.  Kyle's family has a tradition of making "bunny bread" each Easter, it's a sweet bread and it is one of my favorite things on earth, I wish I could convince them to make "wreath bread" at Christmas time.  We had invited some friends over for Easter dinner so I prepped a lot of the dishes knowing that it was going to be hard to get it all ready on Sunday with three kids running around.

The kids dyed eggs, which was not really as much fun as I had hoped.  I had to try and keep Chloe from pulling over the mugs and Jack wanted to dye his hands more than the eggs, the eggs he wanted to crack.  Then he got stung by a wasp.  After that we were pretty much done.  During all the cooking it occurred to me that I had not had Mexican food since before we left for Korea, one month ago!, this became an emergency and we went out to Gina's for the best Mexican food in town, they're hard to find but totally worth it.

Sunday we attended our church and enjoyed a sermon reminding us of what God's grace means, that it is offered to us without cost, it is not mostly free, but actually, totally, free.  We headed home for an egg hunt, where the kids complained anytime they found an empty egg, and would throw it back on the ground and leave it there...kids these days.

We had a wonderful time with our friends, the food was really good, and it was nice to get to know everyone a little better.  And when it was all said in done I was left with lots of left overs and a good excuse to sit down and catch up on my shows.

Gifts

There are many gifts in adoption.  There is, of course, the gift of your child.  A child whose story seems more special than others, from the begining of time yours, yet set on a winding path to get there.  The gift of the first time they trust you, the first time they say I love you, mommy, those moments are bigger than you ever imagined, and you don't ever take them for granted.

There are also all the small gifts along the way, the gift of being stretched and changed into someone you didn't know you could be.  The gift of prayers, lifted up, over and over on your behalf, the gift of standing in an airport and seeing the hand of God move mountains to get you home, proof that He hears. The gift of family standing strong by your side, when they had no say in this, and yet they carry the burden all the same.  The gift of a father removing a burden, reminding you that he will make sure everything is taken care of, the gift becoming twofold with the gift of still being his little girl.

The unexpected gifts, the people who celebrate with you so loud, and you didn't think that they would be the one to feel that way.  The friends who want to help, to please let me help, and you've never helped them and this love that takes you by surprise and knocks you over with it's strength.  The gift of community, how a neighborhood can come together to celebrate your little girl and you wonder if maybe people don't understand how much neighbors can mean if you'll only let them.

The gift of each of you, who come here and read my story, my attempts and putting words together to show how beautiful this thing called adoption is and never quite gettting there, but you read and you pat on the back all the same.  The gift of shared experiences, finding those families who have walked this road too and learning from them and being changed by them and feeling such relief from knowing you are not alone.

And when it's all said and done, you are left with the gift of being a family, slightly different from the other's around you, but a family all the same.  The gift of loving each other so much, tangled together watching a movie, that you don't even remember that you are different, you only know you are blessed.

Thankful series, part 1

In honor of Thanks giving, I will be doing a series on what I'm thankful for.

Part 1: Friendship

Here I sit in a house that seems, in contrast, so very quiet and so very still.  The three women I began this motherhood journey with, have all returned home, their 11 children with them.  This morning the four of us allowed 13 children to run free so that we could just talk, if just for a minute or two and catch up on what is going on these days.  As I sit here, I feel such gratitude, to have this, these times with these women that care about each other and who's children have known each other all of their lives.

I remember it so clear, that it's apparent now that it was a life line that I desperately needed.  The coordinator of the infant playgroup invited me to attend, Kylynn was 8 weeks old, and my immediate response was YES!  An invitation was not needed to attend, but I'm not sure if I would have ever made my way there if she hadn't reached out to me.  To have a few hours a week, where I could have a conversation with, not just adults, but mommies in the same place in life I was, was a gift.  We shared our struggles and our joys and always left lighter than when we arrived.

The four of us have out grown a weekly playgroup, our lives are much too big for that these days, but we still need what it provided.  A place to ask questions, did this happen to you when you were nursing, did he ever gag on food, how have you dealt with talking back?  Even more a place to say the big things that you're afraid to say out loud, until you do and they say, me too.  To have someone you can look in the eye and tell the truth when they ask how you're doing.

And even after three hours, there were so many half finished sentences, so many interrupted conversations, insuring that there will be a next time.  A time to connect, as a group of four women, who were placed together in life because our circumstances were the same, and found in the end real friendship.  I for one am already looking forward to the next time, mostly because I know it won't be at my house this time :).

A birthday weekend

Boy do we do birthdays big around here, ok not really, but we celebrate in our own strange way, here's a recap of Kyle's birthday weekend.

Friday evening, Kyle arranged a Settlers of Catan game night.  This is something he does from time to time and it's always a lovely evening for me to be trapped in my bedroom with no TV get a lot of things accomplished.  But this time it had come to Kyle's attention that some wives are actually nice enough to play Settlers with their husbands and, get this, some wives are so nice that they actually like playing Settlers.  So I was forced invited to play along so that our friends would feel welcome to bring their better half with them.  We had a lot of fun and if they promise to always have Reese's Pieces there, I will never miss another Settlers night.

We got up Saturday morning and drove down to Houston to visit our friends.  Their daughter, J, was in Seussical the Musical Jr. and we wanted to see her debut.  Let me just say that this girl's got a future in showbiz if she wants one.  We had the extra blessing of home cooked meals heaped on us while we were there, can I just say homemade Indian food AND homemade cinnamon rolls, I am already searching my calendar wondering when we can make it back for another meal visit.

Sunday we headed back home, but not before stopping to eat at a seafood restaurant for a birthday lunch for Kyle.  We all had some amazing seafood, then we all slept like babies on the way home, except for my hubby who drove, of course.  Then I let Kyle plant our fall vegetable garden, it's the least I could do, it being his birthday weekend and all.  I kid you not folks when he was done planting he actually thanked me for bugging him to get our fall garden planted, it was then that I decided it's official, I won the husband lottery.

Happy Birthday, hon.  You seriously amaze me more every year with how hard you work, how well you serve others, and how diligently you lead our family.  I want to be just like you when I grow up.

Blessed

We had our home study this morning, it was quick and painless, as I thought it would be. I knew what to expect this time and I even knew who to expect as we had the same social worker coming out to do it. We had seen her less than a year ago for our final visit for Jack's adoption, so it was all very familiar.

Now the abyss of waiting begins. Once this home study makes it way over to Korea in a couple of weeks we will be placed in line, so to speak, for a child. This next phase will take over a year if all things stay the same, but with this type of thing you just never know it could be less or more time depending on a thousand factors.

The reality of our child coming home to us in the future is only on the fringe of my thinking. I don't allow myself to think of it too often and never for more than a fleeting moment. I allow myself the excitement of thinking someday we will be a family of five, but refuse to dwell on the wait that lies ahead of us. It's a coping strategy that I used with Jack's adoption and it served me well, so as strange as it seems I'll remain in a type of denial until an actual child is assigned to us.

Lately I've been trying to have a conversation with myself about the fact that there is no guarantee that this adoption will be anything like the last one. Unfortunately it's easy to think I know what to expect, that I already know every step on the path laid out ahead of me. I'm afraid I'm setting myself up for disappointment and confusion if I don't try to enter this adoption as a new experience, as familiar as it seems.

I've been thinking about names lately, not specific names, just a random thought of a name here a name there, of what type of name we will want to give him. With Jack I was careful to not think about names until we had an actual child to name, I hope this is not a sign of impatience.

Some of you have told me you're praying for us and again I feel the privilege of walking through this experience with a group of people we love who support us so well that I know I can walk the long road ahead. I often reflect on how so many of you have embraced us and our decisions on how we want to build our family and carried us through the difficult times, when you could have just kept your focus on your own lives. Blessed does not fully describe it, but it's the best I can do, we are blessed.

Watching God work

I have a friend who's blog has been so powerful and meaningful to me this past month that I want to pass it on to you.

Nilam has taken this month to post on a positive thing in her life each day. I'm sure it's much harder than it seems, especially since it has to be a unique thing each day. Ironically she began this journey as she was going through a difficult time in her life and marriage.

It is her story to tell, not mine, so you'll have to read her blog for any of the details she chooses to share. But as I told her, reading her story, has caused me to stop and praise God, it has reminded me that He is active and our prayers are powerful. It has been a blessing to get to watch Him work in her life, to see that if we let Him, he can take our darkest moments and turn them around.

I hope that you'll read it, especially if you're going through a hard time, be hopeful that God can turn things around, and even though you can't see it, there is something better just around the corner.

You can begin reading about her journey in this post.

Big prayers

I learned more about prayer than any other topic while adopting Jack. Through God's encouragement and some dear friends, I began to ask God for some very big things while adopting Jack. He kept His promise to me and He answered every one of them. I still put God in a box sometime, I still forget how big He really is, but at my core I was changed through the eighteen months of praying over Jack's adoption.

Strangely, it's kind of a let down, for life to be "normal" again. I know that sounds terrible, but it's weird I feel less connected to God in a way because now my opportunity for seeing Him at work has lessened (although I'm sure it shouldn't have). Adopting Jack was one of my mountain top experiences and it's always hard to come back down off of the mountain.

Then God decided to answer another big prayer in my life this past month. He gave us Korean friends. I know it sounds small, but to me it's huge. I had been praying (and had friends praying) that God would bless us with real Korean friends with children. By real I mean friends that truly loved us and loved that we had adopted Jack into our family. That is hard because, (generally speaking) Korean people are not super excited about Korean children being adopted by white Americans, and who can blame them really. They tend to be a very homogeneous society.

So on our first night of home church, you can understand why I had to excuse myself to the kitchen to compose myself, when in walked a white man, married to a Korean woman with two children. The woman was born and raised in Korea so she knows and understands a country that I really want Jack to know as well. But this family went against cultural norms and got married and had children as a mixed race couple in Korea. God worked it out, they were both Korean and American just like Jack, they had two children an older girl and younger boy just like us, and they love the Lord. Not to mention the fact that they go to our church and walked into our home...pretty easy to befriend I think.

The other night we had a social evening for our home church and since it was earlier Jack was awake and he got to meet the family for the first time. The mom, loved him, in a way that I think everyone does when you're far from your home and you meet someone from home. She picked him up and asked if she could speak Korean to him and call him by his Korean name. I said of course, because alas that was part of my dream. I stood there watching her whisper in his ear a message that was just for him and began to cry. I cannot fully explain to you what it was I felt, in part it was surreal to watch a dream unfold before my eyes, I could not fully believe that it was happening again, God was answering my very specific prayer. In part it was the mix of emotions that go along with international adoption, in hearing Korean again I was transported back to where my life with Jack began and I was overcome.

This family is a blessing in my life, an answer to prayer. I'm not sure how long they will get to live here, but of this I am sure. God will continue to answer my prayers for a Korean family that can be a part of our life. Jack will be raised getting to experience not just what it is like to be an American, but also what it means to be Korean, and that means everything to me.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Oh Golly!

When Jack's fever finally disappeared late Friday afternoon, I was so excited! For the past two weeks we had been trapped in our home, first Kylynn had croup, then Kyle got the flu, then Jack got the flu, but the end was finally here.

I guess that's why when Kylynn kept complaining Saturday and Sunday about how cold she was, I never even guessed she was sick, and told her "No, your not cold, it's windy, but it's not cold". Very good mothering skills I know. So Sunday after she took a 4 hour nap and I woke her up I felt very guilty to find her on fire with a 104.6 fever (don't be alarmed she always has very high fevers).

So I was wrong the end is not here, Kylynn has the flu and had the flu probably starting Saturday night but either because she is her father and never acts sick even with a 104 fever or because I was so ready for us to not be stuck at home with sick kiddos, I missed it.

So if you're my friend, know that I miss you, I want to see you again soon, we are not hiding, we are just sick..again!

Now that's love

We have good friends. If you've read this blog for long, you will see a reoccurring theme, we have good friends who love us well. If for the rest of my life I never have more things, more money, more success, I will be entirely happy if just this remains the same. Because at the end of the day I feel safe and loved and really what more could I ask for.

Now in addition to loving my friends, I love food. I have no idea how to celebrate any event of my life that does not involve food...good food! I can tell you great meals that I've had in my life and I remember those events or people fondly in part because the food was good. If I love you, I will try to love you with food. I will want to bring you food when you're going through hard times, I will share food with you when I bake a great cake, or have you over and cook you some food!

So I love that right now my friends are loving me with food! How perfect in so many ways, they are bringing me meals for dinner so that I don't have to cook. I think that the fact that I'm a part of a group of women who do this for each other whenever we add a baby is at least partly to blame for the thoughts of, I can have more children it's not so hard. We've had half of our meals so far and I love that each of them has been different and each has been amazing. I know you think I'm being nice, but oh no, they have been all out full meals with dessert that are better than my cooking (and frankly I'm a decent cook). We have had homemade apple pie and homemade chicken pot pie! who does that, not me, I have neither the patience nor the talent. Luckily, my friends have both.

Right now I'm sitting here with that wonderful full feeling from eating wonderful catfish, hush puppies, cole slaw, and cake (jealous, huh!) and I feel completely satisfied. Not just my belly, I feel at perfect peace, in this moment I am fully loved by my friends and family and by my Maker who placed them here and it's a great feeling.

A shower for Jack

Some very sweet friends threw me a shower for Jack today. Even though I didn't need much this time around, it meant so much to me to have this same experience for Jack that I did for Kylynn. I love that this is one more thing that will make him the same and not different, that I can tell Kylynn the story of her shower and do the same for Jack.

So thank you my sweet friends for taking the time to throw me a wonderful shower. Everything was beautiful. My most talented friend, C, made me the sweetest cake (and yummiest!) that even said "A Chosen Child" on it...I absolutely loved it and it was so perfect. It was fun to get to talk about our journey some and open neat gifts that are just for Jack.

Thank all of you who came and sent gifts, I loved the gifts for Jack, they will be a great help to Kyle and I, most of all I loved hearing you pray over me and Jack. God has and is doing some wonderful miracles in this adoption and your prayers are powerful and are accomplishing much. This celebration of Jack and how special it is that he gets to join our family through the beauty of adoption meant the world to me. Thank you.

With a little help from my friends...

Did y'all watch The Wonder Years? It is to this day my most favorite show, and the theme song, With a little help from my friends, is one of my favorite songs. So when I was thinking about writing about how much my friends help me through this adoption process I had to include this great song for y'all to listen to.

When you decide to adopt they give you a lot!! of reading material to go through, to help prepare you for what to expect. I really appreciated the reading material (although I could have handled less articles on each individual topic) as it helped me to think through many aspects of International and inter-racial adoption that I hadn't considered. But let me tell you it is possible for the outcome to be different than what they try and tell you in all those articles, meaning you just might have wonderful people in your life who will make everything okay, not difficult.

Maybe I live in Utopia I don't know, but I have only had the most wonderful responses when people find out about our adoption. My friends, my church, and my community have absolutely blown me away. With all the steps along the way I've asked my circle of friends and family to pray and they have! I have had people tell me what they're praying for me and it makes me cry because it's the most wonderful perfect prayer that God laid on their heart and I would never have asked Him for that, even though it's exactly what I need. For example one of my closest friends told me that she was praying that God would sprinkle our scent onto Jack so that he would know our smell and be comfortable with us when we meet him.

People are genuinely interested about how the adoption is going, I get asked questions about it several times a day, and they listen with interest to what is going on. They are invested in this process with me and they go through the ups and downs with me. When we found out who are son was I had a friend come out to me who had learned about it on our blog and hug me with such excitement telling me how she just cried when she found out she was so happy for us. I can't talk to a family member without them wanting to know, when will Jack be home and hearing we've got to get him home soon.

People think of him as my son. This is the ultimate for me. In this training material, you read about people having friends or family who will not accept their child who was adopted and treating them like an outsider, even introducing their family as this is their daughter Kylynn and this is their adopted son, Jack...I would lose my mind, I would be so angry! I never want Jack to be treated like anything other than what he is, my son, regardless of how he joined our family. I have had no one make me feel like they don't accept Jack as my son, they have given me hand me downs, planned a shower for me, and talked about how great it is that he will be the same age as their son.

People want to help. A dear christian man who is mentoring my husband has been a god send on going through all the medical reports with us and translating it into phrases we understand. He is a doctor and has given us great advice not just as a doctor, but as a father, and a man of God. I am still sane today because of him. People have emailed me to ask when they can bring us a meal after Jack's home. One of my closest friends gave me a great book she found called, "Are those children yours?". I don't ever have to worry about how are we going to accomplish this great task ahead of us, I know my support system will be there in more ways than I can think of, carrying the load when it gets to heavy to carry on our own.

With a little help from my friends...okay maybe a lot of help from my friends, I can do this, I can handle all the hoops I have to jump through to bring Jack home, learn what I need to about raising a child with a cleft lip and palate, deal with the emotional issues children can feel about being adopted and a different race from their parents, and even having two kiddos!!!

Thank you to each one of you who have done one of the thousands of things that have blessed my heart during this process. You are a blessing to my family and I will forever be grateful.

Ike

Here in College Station we were blessed to be protected from Ike's wrath and even more blessed to have thousands of evacuees here that we can help. As I go about my days and deal with one little "crisis" and then another, it is a good reminder that I don't begin to know what a crisis is and I can thank God for that.

We actually had a wonderful experience due to Ike. A dear friend of mine that moved to Sugarland a couple of years ago came up to stay with us with her family. They actually evacuated after the hurricane ,she is an Aggie by association after working for A&M for years, so maybe she didn't understand how it was supposed to work :). Anyways, they got here Saturday evening and stayed with us through Monday. Now there were five extra people in my house and I have to tell you that it was a lot of fun. This is a major God thing, someone was praying for us, because 1) my house is relatively small and 2) I like my space and time to myself. Their oldest daughter who's 10 practically took care of Kylynn the whole time while she played with the 2 and 4 year old. The adults were tons of fun and did my dishes before I could blink. I have never had better company and we were all sad when they left (I'm promise!!). And then they thanked us by taking us out to eat (twice!) and giving us a gift certificate to Christophers because my friend remembered that I've never eaten there (which is true). What a blessing they were to my family, it wasn't fair, here I was wanting to help them out and it only went the other way around. It's funny the way God has set up His world to work.

On top of that, Ike got me the door prize today at Bible study. It was who had the most Ike evacuees staying at your house, I won with 5. This is not fair really, they should have said who had the hardest time keeping Ike evacuees in their house and I would have been the first to sit down.

So all in all it was a good weekend for some of us but a horrible weekend for so many more. Please pray for all those people who lost homes and the thousands who are without power. Pray specifically for them that power would be restored, they would be able to get ice, water, and gas as needed. I'm praying that God would use this horrible tragedy to do some amazing things in the Texas coast.

Welcome to the world of the employed!

Well at least for the next six weeks. Kyle has found a job, to do contracting work for a company here in town. The job is for six weeks worth of work. Kyle still feels a little worried about the whole job situation but I'm happy. His boss is aware of Kyle's need for something that lasts more than six weeks and encouraged him to take time off for interviews as needed. So now Kyle can look for work (after work) while receiving a paycheck.

I hope what I have to say brings God so much glory... This past month has truly been one of the best months of my life, while at the same time being very challenging. God listened to all the prayers of His people, thank y'all for praying, and really blessed us. We were able to be calm while earning a combined income of zero dollars :). And I mean really calm, like calmer than we are when we had a job. We were able to have lots of good family time, Kylynn is going to miss her daddy once he starts going off to work again. I learned that my marriage has become such a strong, healthy, god-centered relationship (this has not always been the case, but that's for another post). God provided for us financially, we had friends give Kyle some work at their wood-working shop, it was just a little money but it blessed us greatly. We got approved for a local insurance after 1 week, instead of the one to two months they said it would take, so now we don't have to pay for COBRA for even one month. Most of all I felt the family of believers close in around us to take care of us in a number of ways, and I've never felt so safe.

Please don't stop praying for us, Kyle still needs a full time job, but I know God has a plan for that, and I'm excited watching Him work.