Olympics 2008

Watching the Olympics has been rather difficult this year and for a while I couldn't figure out what in the world is wrong with me.  Why has it been so different from the Olympics of 2008, why am I not enjoying it as much as I used to, and why in the world have I not heard a word the announcer has said.  Then it dawned on me, the last time the summer Olympics was on I had a two year old, only, one child, who went to bed no later than seven, every single night, took two to three hour naps every day, and slept through the entire night, every night.

I keep reflecting on how much a life can change in four years because today as I try to watch my beloved Olympics my life is some chaotic (wonderful) version of that life times three.  Back in the day Michael Phelps never doubted he would win a swimming event and I cleaned my house, I mean for real busted out the dusting liquid and toilet brush, every single Friday (I find this the most unbelievable memory).  I experienced real silence in my own home on a regular basis, and had no trouble hearing what the announcer was saying about the life of the Russian gymnasts.

I didn't own a DVR back then (though I'm sure they existed, I'm always about 5 years behind technology), but it was no problem I put my angelic child to bed each night and settled down to watch one of the best Olympics ever, live!!  I was tired each morning when I woke up after a short six hours of sleep but it was okay because having one two year old is not exhausting and I could take a 3 hour nap if I wanted to every afternoon.

Me and my one baby in summer of 2008 (I also had short hair back then, oh I miss that haircut!)

My life was calm in 2008, it was clean and it never surprised me.  As I look back I see it was boring and empty and less than it should have been.  Even though I've only heard 15 words on TV during this Olympic games, I can't help but looking around me and thinking, this, this three kids, this dirty house, this people over (again), this dealing with brokenness, this toothpaste on the wall and pee on the carpet, this yelling and flipping off of chairs (darn gymnastics), is a gift.

I used to have a small, quite life, where perfection was the goal and being uptight was the norm, I used to think people with crazy children were bad parents and people with dirty houses were lazy.  God gave me exactly what I needed to mold me into a woman who could better follow after Him, who would desperately need Him, and better love those around me.

He gave me three children, and chaos, and brokenness I never understood, and he used it to strip me down, to begin to remove piece by piece the abilities that I thought I alone had created in myself.  He took me to a place where I would throw my hands up in the air and say, I surrender, I can not do this by myself.  And once I was there He began the (long) journey of putting me back together.  Building a woman who sees perfection as pride, who wonders what God would like me to accomplish in this day, who daily calls out to God for help on how to love/discipline my children, because I fully realize I have no idea what I am doing.

For the Olympics of 2012 my house is a whole lot messier, my kids are a whole lot crazier, and Michael Phelps turns out to be human after all.  But I think it's better this way, we're going to be fine, sometimes gifts are found in the strangest of places and there's always the 200 meter Butterfly.

Planning toasts, the end of babies, and TV zombies

My sister is getting married, I'm super excited, like a little bit, maybe, sorta a crazy person excited.  I may or may not have written a toast in my head today and then in hopes of not forgetting it (it was good in my humble opinion) :) recorded it as a voice memo on my phone.  Did I mention that she has been engaged for one week, has yet to set a date, and has not asigned me any toasting duties.  In my defense I can't help it, I write random things in my head all day long, though I (obviously) rarely write them down, which is the problem if I don't write it down it'll soon be gone, I've lost really good stuff that way.

Kylynn has been devouring every Boxcar Children audiobook our local library has, she'll check out all they have available and listen to them over and over, while at the same time be in the middle of one which we read at night before bed.  Our library is a little behind the times and they have more of the books on tape than CD, so Kyle took his old boombox out of the garage and put it on her dresser so she could listen to even more.  The other day we were driving somewhere in the car and she said, "Mommy I know something we can do together when I get to be grown up, like a teenager, I can come home and visit you and we can read Boxcar Children books together."  Girlfriend knows how to have a good time.  It is true that the first Boxcar Children book is one of my favorites of all time and I too once devored each and every one I could get my hands on.  It just occured to me in the 100+ books of solving crimes, do they ever get any older?

I packed up all my baby stuff this weekend.  I mean we've still got one in diapers and two in boosters, but all that stuff needed for babies under two, is out of my house!  Kyle optimistically asked me if this meant I feel done having children now and I have to admit getting all of that crap out really did help me feel done.  The other day a friend of mine said that, "it wasn't in her plans" to have any more children, she doesn't know what God's plans are, but she is not planning on it.  That's my new answer, I feel done, but I'm ready to change my mind if God has something different for us in the kiddo department.

Speaking of kiddos the motivation to get rid of all things baby, was having to move, our baby into a big girl bed.  Chloe has always been a climber so really were lucky to last this long, the transition has been a bit rocky, but tonight went amazingly well.  She has also {finally!} begun giving me kisses, without me begging or bribing, she is settling more and more into our family and it's such a great feeling!

Has anyone ever heard of this thing called the OLYMPICS!!  That's right it's only the coolest thing ever and it starts in 2 days, 15 hours, and 46 minutes.  That's right I'm a total Olympics geek and couldn't be prouder.  My children will be little TV zombies and we will eat more food in the den than we have in the past 4 years combined and of course, Kyle will want to trade me in for a more normal wife :).

And to go out on a high point, two pins that I made (or began making) this week,

Source: ashleyannphotography.com via Jenny on Pinterest

Source: brownpaper--packages.com via Jenny on Pinterest

A tea party for Kylynn

Kylynn, turned six this summer, oh why does time have to go by so fast.  So while I shook my head at how it is possible to have loved her for six years, I racked my brain on what type of party would capture her at this age.  I wanted her to get to do the things she loves, pretending, dressing up, and being with her friends.  A real life tea party seemed to fit just right.

It was by far my favorite birthday party I've had for any of the kiddos.  She invited all her (girl)friends and asked them to come dressed for tea.  About a week before the party she sat out her dress she had planned to wear (a black and white number that is not nearly as cute or fancy as many of the other dresses in her closet, but she is after all my daughter).

I of course turned to Pinterest to get an idea of one, what a tea party looks like and two, what does one serve at a tea party (can I just say again, God bless Pinterest, where in the world would we be without it).  I borrowed a silver tea set from a friend of mine and agreed to use it after she convinced me that she would have no hard feeling if it was in some way harmed by a party full of excited six year olds, which seemed inevitable to me (in the end not a single thing was broken and only one spill!)

I decided to serve fruit, cucumber sandwiches, cupcakes, tea and punch.  I made this recipe for the sandwiches, which was a total waste of time, it was not nearly as good as what I normally do, which is to spread veggie cream cheese on bread and add cucumber slices, and be done.  The girls actually loved the tea (which was Earl Grey decaf, so as to be kind to their mamas) due to the cream and sugar in it.

My friend made these amazing cupcakes, that were in an edible tea cup (made of chocolate), the girls loved them and I loved eating the left over cups after everyone left :).  She also made me three dozen teapot shaped cake pops to give as party favors (darn me that I didn't take a picture of them), they were adorable!

The girls sat at the table, and ate their food, then they ran off to play.  For a craft they each made their own place mat with stickers and glitter from the dollar store (side note: if you know me you know I hate glitter with a passion and do not allow it in my house, if my words fail I hope that is proof of just how deeply I love that little girl).  They ran around and made up their games with those amazing imaginations they have, opened presents and then played with each of the new toys, while the moms who stuck around got to catch up.

It was just what I had in mind, a day where Kylynn would be reminded just how very special she is, how very loved she is by her friends and family, when she could just enjoy being a six year old little girl playing tea party with her friends.

Kylynn Fay, when I look at you I am sure of the God we serve, I begin to understand better how very much He loves us, I can see how He works in people.  I love watching you grow up and I pray you will never stop running after Him.

Back in the saddle

It's a little intimating coming back here after being gone for so long.  I have never taken a break from blogging for more than a week or two at a time, and those were few and far between.  How refreshing it has been to take a good long break from this blog, to focus more on being with my kids than blogging about my kids, to make myself available to God and His work in my life, instead of just talking about God and the work I hope He would do in my life.  The longer I stay away the harder it is to come back, so it's time to get back in the saddle again, to talk about life around these parts with a (hopefully) honest and Christ centered perspective.

There have been no further car accidents or natural disasters since we last spoke, but I did have a child turn 6 (not as intimating as 5 for some reason)and graduate from Kindergarten, travel here and there and everywhere (not to mention to heaven Florida with just my two sisters), begun to find our groove in this new parenting style (which means it works about 50% of the time), and watch any pre-Olympic events available.

God has been teaching me about letting Him be in control, about just showing up and watching Him work, about how exhilarating it is to be used by Him again.  He also teaching me about letting some things go, about trusting Him with the money and the cleaning and the children who's hearts were never mine to change.

I've been grieving or living in denial really about the move of my closest friend.  I've been trying to not make other people's life changes about me (without much success).  I've been realizing that I have both a very full social calendar and a lack of friends who could move into her role.  I've been doing lots of praying, the normal daily kind and the spiritual battle kind, I've been reminded once again that this world is not my home.

We've been hot and a little bored and ready for school to start, while we dream of having a pool in our backyard, the only thing that would make me want summer to go on forever.  We've been calling the library our second home and watching more PBS than normal.  We have not begun potty training, because I am just not ready, I'm not sure if Chloe is ready or not, but I just can't do it right now, and I've decided that's okay.

It's been your typical summer, I never did put together a list of goals and now it seems to late, and that the only thing I have the energy for is: 1)Keep children alive and relatively happy.  So that's what I'll be working on the next six weeks, but I'll also be over here posting something from time to time, that is when I'm not watching the Olympics or playing with my new (to me) iphone.

I've missed y'all, what have you been up to this summer or onto a really important topic: what apps do I just need to have on my iphone?

If it's not a drunk driver, it's a tornado...

we were parked about 15 feet in front of this grain elevator during the tornado

This is going to sound like I'm making this up and frankly it feels too big for me to talk about, but it must be said, I owe it to God to testify of how He provided. Last week we left for our family vacation to the beach and on that day we survived being hit by a drunk driver (unfortunately our car was not so lucky) and a tornado, 8 hours apart, in the same day.

When I went back a few days later and looked over our car with the mechanic I kept looking at that seat where my oldest sat, looking at the damage all around her and yet she was not harmed, I was so humbled by God's goodness and His mercy, I can't quite comprehend how it is that people live through things like this everyday and manage to remain turned away from God.

The tornado, well, it seems like a really bad dream, after the accident when we finally got back on the road we drove through horrible storms, and suddenly the storm became something more. When Kyle sent me the report that confirmed that indeed the most terrifying 20 minutes of my life, was us sitting inside of an actual tornado, I felt like it must change me.  Can I live through something like that and be the same person as I was before? So I'm trying, to remember what He spoke to me after the calm that finally came, I am not in control, not now, not ever, and that is okay. My God is bigger than the storms of this world and He never lets me out of His hands.  It calms me when I allow life to become bigger than it is, to remind myself that God was there in the storm, that He allowed this to happen and nothing was ever out of His control.  If I can trust Him in that moment then I think I can trust him with the broken car moments of this life.

we got to see a turtle rescue group release the turtles back into the ocean, totally made me cry :)

We made it to the beach, about 11 hours after we left for it, grateful for the things that really matter in life, with a different perspective on life around us. God provided a woman who made it her job that day to take care of us, providing us with food and entertainment for our kids and a way to work things out, a man who had never met us to happily drive us an hour away to borrow a car from family willing to sacrifice for our vacation. I have never felt so cared for, so much a part of something bigger than myself.

From then on out it was just a great vacation, hanging out on the beach, playing in the pool, visiting the aquarium and eating yummy food. Kyle got up with the kids every single morning, and each day there was a breakfast waiting for me. I never spent a moment worrying about what was waiting us when we returned, I just relaxed, and enjoyed, and mostly stopped to pay attention to what was going on around me, to pause long enough to say thank you.

Learning to parent, the hard way

For the past three weeks (I cannot believe it's been three weeks since my last post!) I have emerged myself in all things parenting, all things parenting differently than I had been.  I took what I'd read from the first 100 pages or so of Parenting... and the first 30 pages of The Connected Child, mixed them with about 8 minutes of a parenting coach's advice (thanks Shannan!) and came out with my new made up way to try and do something different, anything different really, it was time to make some changes around here, something had to give.

Then I began to ask for prayer, I asked my bible study to pray for me, I asked my church to pray for me and may have even have received some prayers from some of you sweet people out there, because if there is one thing I know it is this: I cannot do anything worth doing out of my own strength.  I have felt those prayers this week in such a big way, and that, more than anything I have done that has given me such hope.  I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing, am sure that books should probably be read all the way through, and know that I could benefit from a lot more than 8 minutes of parenting coaching, but I see God at work in our family right now and there's nothing that makes me more excited than watching God work.

I had a lot of room for improvement when it came to the way I parent my children.  One of the biggest blessings in this challenge God is leading me through is this: if I had birthed all three of my children, I doubt that I would ever have taken the time and energy to stop and take a good look at the way I mother my children.  To stop and pay attention to His small voice asking for something more from me.  I would have been okay with mediocre, with doing what everyone else does.  I would have continued to pat myself on the back that I really, really LOVE my kids and bonus I take them to ChickFilA, the library, the park, and fun trips all the time.

God has been nudging my heart for a very long time about my tendency to yell at my kids, my misaligned priorities (that say getting things done is more important than truly being with my kids), my justifying the wasting of time on pinterest/blogs/facebook, the perfection that often is the source of the decisions I make and the rules I impress on my (very young) children.  I didn't listen, I heard Him and I occasionally felt bad about it, but I never took significant steps to change my behavior.

And then one day I encountered such hurt and loss and anger in the actions of one of the loves of my life, that no matter how I tried (oh how I tried!) the status quo was not going to work anymore.  In fact my parenting was making things worse,  I finally gave up and was willing to try submitting to God's leading.

The funny thing is I always thought I was parenting the way a Christian mother should.  Discipline is my main game, I am consistent to a fault, if you do something wrong in my house, there is a consequence.  I spend countless minutes putting people in time out, disciplining them for screaming in time out/leaving time out, talking to them about why they were in time out.  I have taken everything out of one of my child's rooms for breaking one of their things (on purpose), I have had kids clean cars, pick up dog poop, skip activities, go to bed early, you name it I've tried it. But I have a secret, when I sin, I want grace, I want God to look at my heart and see that I was doing the best I could for the maturity I am at, I want Him to pick up the broken pieces and make everything better.  And He does.  My Daddy God, who is everything good, is slow to anger and quick to listen, He looks at my heart and His mercies are new every morning, He extends grace to me for so long before He disciplines.  And more than anything He desires a very real relationship with me, one He sacrificed everything to have with me.  I have never parented my children the way God parents me.

So I decided that it was time to give it a try, the first thing I did was gave up yelling, gave it up like the bad drug it was, oh don't worry I still fall off the wagon from time to time, but I feel like a new woman (mommy).  It's the coolest thing when you lower your voice when a child makes a bad choice and raise it when they make a good choice (this was my main take away from the parenting coach) two things are accomplished, you stop rewarding bad behavior and you stop getting angry.  Let me clarify, when my child is mad at me and pushes my buttons and I yell they are rewarded, they're game worked, that got the reaction they were going for and that reinforces the behavior.  And the bonus that I didn't expect, when I don't yell, I don't get angry, I feel so much calmer throughout the day.

The second thing I've been doing is so much harder, I began to actually pay attention to my children, each one, everyday.  Let me just continue my run for mom who makes all other moms feel better about themselves, until recently I never played with my children.  Okay I would play with them on occasion for a few minutes, but I wasn't really giving them all of my attention.  I had decided that I didn't really need to play with my children, after all I am with them every single moment of every single day :).  I do the dishes they play around me, I read a magazine they play outside, I drive them to some fun activity while I pretend to listen to their very long story, I talk to the other moms, while they do the fun activity.  Isn't that enough?  No, I've decided, it's really not.  My children need my real attention, they need me to look them in the eye, not glance at them while I'm on the computer and tell them to just wait one more quick minute.  They want me to get on the floor and play trucks or barbies and they need it just like they need healthy food.

This has been hard for me, first because I thought that playing with them wasn't "fun" and second because I thought I didn't have enough time.  And yet, the more time I spend truly playing with them, the more I enjoy it, the more I am amazed by their ideas, and their intelligence, by their hearts and their fears.  When it comes to time, you have the time you have, it's up to you what you do with it, so I've stopped wasting so much of it.  I've been spending much less time on the computer, I haven't put on make up except for church in two weeks, and my house is perhaps messier than usual (not sure if that last one is possible).  I am convinced that if I will trust God with my time, give it all over to Him and honor Him in how I use it He will return it to me in abundance, He will accomplish what needs to be accomplished, I need only to obey.

And you?  How's it going, please keep up the great advice, I am certain I cannot do this on my own.

Finding out I don't know everything, the hard way

I've never told y'all this, but after we finished our home study to adopt Jack the social worker had the gall to tell us that she didn't think we were mentally prepared for International adoption and would not forward on our home study until we read this huge packet of training material.

Until about six months ago I thought that lady was a little high on her power and quite frankly confused.  See in case you don't know me in real life, I'm a really good mom, and we had parented for a whole year! before we began the process to adopt Jack.  You know basically we were experts and really how hard could this whole adoption thing be...ahem.

She was concerned that we didn't have answers for how we would raise him as Korean in an white family, how we would handle his questions about adoption, how we would help him navigate life as someone who is white on the inside, Korean on the outside, and constantly faced with the fact that he is different.

I read her dumb articles, mostly about children from orphanages (didn't apply to me), and children with attachment disorder (definitely didn't apply to me).  We moved forward and without trying I began to become educated on adoption, the orphan crisis, emotional problems adopted children face, what it's like to be an interracial family, and so on.  I read blogs mainly and learned from other's stories the reality of the life I was beginning.

But that is where my education ended, until I began the ultimate school of adoption, the day I met my son.  We came home and I saw that regardless of how much I loved him, his heart was broken on that day I took him from his foster mother.  Part of him was forever lost when I took him from his country, his language, his food, his world.  I was too tired to read the books then, so I prayed and I held him and I cried and we figured it out, it took a long time, but we were okay, or so I thought.

Then one day, my son began to cry and sob over the loss of his foster mother and his country.  He began to ask me daily to go back and see her, to see it.  I had no answers for him, I listen and I prayed but I didn't know how to help him heal.  I finally bought a book and began to read it, I finally understood that this path we're on goes on forever, that the loss he has had to face is not a thing of the past, but a part of who he is.

Today I saw a friend of mine and just dumped on her everything that we've been dealing with lately and she asked me how we've been handling it, and I told her the truth, I have no idea what I am doing.  She too is an adoptive mom and is dealing with many of the same issues, she told me about another book that she highly recommends (it was another one I thought didn't apply to me, I may never learn).  When I left everything in my life was just the same as it was when I walked into that room, but it made me better having a safe person to tell the truth to, someone to tell me that we're normal, and to help me find a way out of this.

I don't want to scare anyone out there out of adopting, no matter how hard it is, it will always be one the best things in my life.  But I do want to scare you a little, scare you enough to stop you from making the same mistakes I've made, to go into this process with more solutions and less pride.  Read the books, join the support group, find the right friends.  Other adoptive families will be your life line, if you don't know anyone else who's family looks like yours, walk up to strangers at the store and ask them to be your friend, if they're like me they will happily, because we've all been there.  Seek out friends of your children's race, bribe them with food, and have them in your home at least once a week, adopt grown up Korean people to go with your little Korean people :).

In the end remember that we are to do what is best for children, we are to read the books, and find the support, and parent them the way they need to be parented (not the way others parent their biological children), but most of all we are to pray.  To come before the Lord and lay it all at his feet and tell him that there is not a thing in the world I can do to fix this mess that is adoption.  Trust Him with the answer, trust Him to make us all better, trust Him that He has already overcome the world and it's problems.  The fact that love covers a multitude of sins is perhaps the sweetest promise to me today.



The two books I am currently reading in this journey are Parenting Your Internationally adopted child and The Connected Child