Running the race

Did I tell y'all I started running a few (5 to be exact) weeks ago.  Did I tell y'all that I am no runner, no seriously I mean I have never ran more than a quarter mile, in school when they would make us run, I would walk and take the loss of points, because I was certain that if I ran I would die.  After all, everytime I tried to run even a little bit I felt like I was going to die.

And yet I've always had this dream of being a runner, it's the cheapest form of exercise out there, just put on your shoes and your good to go, no special equipment, no special place needed.  So when a friend of mine said that she was doing the couch to 5k program with a friend, I invited myself along.

And here's the part where I brag and I don't like to brag, but it's essential to the story, without it I'm just a girl who can't run who dreamed of running.  So here it comes, this program, this couch to 5k program, it really works y'all.  I ran 20 minutes straight a week ago, and 25 minutes straight this last Saturday, and get this: I didn't die.

There are a few hitches.  Hitch #1: I have gained weight since beginning this program, apparently running makes me hungry and I am not eating the way I should be.  Hitch #2: I can't always finish the running assignment for that day, like this morning I was supposed to run 25 minutes again, and I made to 15 before realizing that it just wasn't in me today.

But you know what, it's okay.  You realize on the days you fail, that you always have next time to try again, and by golly I, who used to hyperventilate just thinking about running a 100 yards, ran 25 minutes, so try again I will!  Most of the time it still seems like I'm making this whole running thing up (after all I do run early in the morning before the sun come up, it could be a dream).  But on the days I run, it's very real, I finish the workout and I think to myself, you did it, you just did that.  And suddenly a confidence that I either lost a long time ago or I may have never possessed is with me and it feels so good.  Good enough to not care about the 5 pounds or the days when I can't quite make it.

I see myself in a new light these days, like maybe I am strong enough for whatever this life has for me.  Sometimes when I feel anxious about something, I remind myself that I can run for over 20 minutes and for whatever reason it helps, it reminds me that my mind is lying to me, that actually I am strong enough.

Running is a great analogy for life, for the Christian walk, for the adoption process even.  I commit myself to the goal set before me, and pursue it, and when I fall down, I get up and start again.  And though it is hard and sometimes painful, there is waiting at the end great reward.

My life in pictures

 I have learned the following lessons from her: make sure not a single piece of clothing matches another piece, several patterns are always better than one, and the more you layer the more outrageous your outfit becomes.

Jack is now requesting pictures taken in settings of his choosing.  This was one that needed to include both blanket and doggy, it also happened to contain his beautiful eye lashes, so everyone was happy.

My baby boy, smiling, in feety pajamas, doesn't get any cuter than that.

Y'all, how is it that I knew when I requested Kyle take this picture that it was for my blog and yet I forgot to take off my helmet, giving you yet another very unflattering picture of me.  This is how we've been able to continue our bike rides as a family since Kylynn outgrew the trailer.  Kyle has the trailer attached to his bike with Jack in it.

Yes, I believe in putting my children to work, the day she learns how to dust will be the happiest day of my life.

"Cooking" with noodles and beans, one of their favorite activities that keeps them both happy for longer than about anything else I've tried.

Unwrapping a gift

October has been a gift.

Everyday, around each corner another package for me to unwrap and see what's inside.

7 packages containing the most perfect weather you ever did see.  Each one wrapped up in a blue sky the exact color of my love's eyes.

The gift of digging out a light sweater or two, of feeling it on your skin, making the cold as delicious as any chocolate I've ever tasted.

A long talk on the phone with a friend that made me see her anew, that gave me such hope for the type of people I long to surround my children with.  A talk that reflected back like a mirror my passions and dreams.

A bike ride or two, being wrapped around and above and below in a perfect day.  Feeling the wind on my face as we go down a hill and letting go, singing at the top of my lungs of my Father God.

Making a fall all my own, around my door, in my rooms, to remind me of the beauty I left long ago, leafs in all their splendor, red, orange, gold, never losing their affect on me, year after year, that beauty is a gift He's given us.

Feety pajamas on little feet, the way they sound plodding down the stairs, they way they turn my children back into babies, for just a moment, how they scream out to me, come cuddle up on the couch with me mama and let's pass the time in a way that matters.

A garden that is not worn out by sun and heat, producing abundantly, a bell pepper there, a cucumber here, butternut squash to last the whole year through, and the promise of homemade salsa soon.

A day at the park, a sudden plan, leaving behind to-do lists and worries.  Spending hours on the playground and then just when I think I should have brought a picnic because it's too beautiful to go home and eat, a "gourmet" to-go food truck is there to feed us and provide us with a memory, an adventure.

Each day a gift, a love story written out to me, you are My child and you are precious in My sight.

Can you see it?  He speaks in your own language, whispering I am here and you,  you are loved.

Preach it girl!

Loved what Missy over at It's almost naptime had to say today.  Preach it girl!

The God of the small

Chloe.  My mind needs to be thinking about grocery lists and chores and the two children that already live in my home, but it won't listen, it keeps being pulled back, one name repeated throughout the day, Chloe.

For the first six months of her life, I didn't know yet that she was mine, I didn't know to worry about how much she was eating and sleeping, I didn't know to pray for her to somehow, someway know who I am when I come to get her.

And it is not time to come and get her, is it, yet?  It has been a mere handful of days and already I cannot stand the time ticking away, day one, day ten, she is still not here.

Making a future for her here in her home in her family consumes me.  I have lists for everything that needs to be done in order for my perfect plan to work out.  Christmas lists, the shopping must be done early.  Shopping lists, I will need bottles and formula, and diapers, and something that is only hers.  To-do lists, I need to get her big brother out of her crib and decide what pieces of furniture go where, buy some new pieces to complete the sets, buys some gifts for her second mama, cleaning that won't get done once I am (really) a mommy to three.

My mind spins so I began to walk in little circles, I see something to be done in this room, oh no something bigger to be done in this room, then a child pulls me another direction, and I feel overwhelmed.

I stop and and I pray and I tell Him the truth, the truth is all I have the energy for these days.  I want her home now and it hurts deep down that she is mine and I am not the one to rock her to sleep each night and I am impatient and anxious and doing everything all wrong.

He sends me outside to enjoy the beautiful day, to read a book that will take me far away, he reminds me that He is the God of not just the big but also the God of the small, for it is all the same to Him.  He tells me that He can even handle baby clothes and walls to be built, He will handle papers to be processed and reprocessed when necessary, He will lay out the plan for my life and isn't that what I've been asking for all along.

Then finally I look up at the sky, so blue that it is only of the Creator that I can think, and I breathe in deep and I hear Him.  "Your ways are not My ways, declares the Lord...My word will not return empty, but will accomplish what I desire...instead of a thornbrush, a pine, instead of briers the myrtle will grow."

The hole inside of me is filled with what it was hungry for all along, my mind is stilled, and for now I am able to trust again, in His plan, in His timing, in His goodness.

The ballots have been counted

So I have gotten my first award for blogging, okay it's really more of a shout out from a fellow blogger, but it still made me happy.  It especially made me happy because my new blog friend Elizabeth gave it to me.  Elizabeth blogs over at Romans 8:15 and she has one biological son and one son that joined their family through (Korean) adoption.  So we've got that in common, but we've got even bigger things in common, like how I wouldn't have to explain to her how Edward Cullen caused me to be a neglectful mom for the two weeks I spent reading the Twilight series.  She has adorable kids, a haircut I wish I could pull off, and most of all she is real.  Every time I click over to her blog, I feel like I've had one of those really good talks with a girlfriend, you know the ones where you finally tear down the walls and just tell the truth, Elizabeth tells the truth about her experience with adoption, about how hard it can be and then just as quickly how wonderful it can the next minute.

Here are the guidelines:

• Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
• Share 7 things about yourself.
• Pass the award along to 7 other bloggers who you recently discovered and think are fabulous

7 things about Jenny:

1. I believe on beautiful days, like today, where the temperature finally catches up with the calendar, in throwing open every window.  I believe firmly that those windows should stay open through the night, even if it gets into the 50s, so that you can finally use your comforter again.  I believe on these days that every possible activity should be done outside.

2. I coupon.  I am not a master-couponer but I understand how they do it.  I do match sales and coupons, but only on those things I will use, I do plan my meals around what is on sale to a point, and I do stock pile things that I can get for free or near free when I get the chance.  I manage to save around 25 to 30% off of my bill every week doing these things.  If  you live in a big city and don't use your coupons, I would LOVE to have them, send them to me!

3. The grass is always greener when it comes to my hair.  I seem to constantly go from this hair cut:

to this hair cut:

and back again.  I always like my hair more when it is short, but for some reason seem to forget that and see how beautiful celebrities' long hair looks and grow it out for a year, then sure enough as soon as it's long again, I can't wait to chop it all off.  I have issues.

4.  When I was 5 and graduating from pre-school I wore knee-socks on my hands.  Yes, you read that right.  You see I had a thing about Miss Piggy.  I thought she was beautiful and I especially loved the clothes that she wore.  Here purple ball gown, with the elbow length purple gloves, and pearls was my favorite.  So when it came time for a major event in my life like pre-school graduation, I thought something similar to Miss Piggy's ball gown was in order.  My mom wouldn't get me elbow gloves, she's normal like that, so I snuck some knee-socks in my back pack, and the rest is history.  

5. When I was in high school I had a thing for Elvis.  I really cannot explain this, it seems very odd to me now, but I thought he was "hot" (the young Elvis, not the old one) and I liked his music.  Of course millions of women agree with me, it's just that most of them actually lived while Elvis was alive, where I was born the year after he died (as I know from one of my many Elvis posters, I had hanging on my walls).

6. I have a degree in Sociology, I loved every minute of earning that degree, the classes I took made me want to get to keep learning for the rest of my life.  The problem is I don't want to do the things that one might do with a sociology degree.  It is only now in my 30s that I think I know what career(s) I could enjoy and I wonder how anyone can at the age of 18 decide well what they are to do for the rest of their lives.

7. I don't watch much TV, but every show that I watch (save one) is a reality show.  Some people feel this is something to be ashamed of, but I really couldn't care less.  These shows are like little documentaries (ok not really) which I also love and I really, really love watching and learning about people (see #6 above).  We don't have cable so these are the network ones that are relatively clean and watching them are some of the highlights of my week.

7 bloggers I would like to give the Versatile blogger award to (okay I only can think of 5, so 5 it is):

• Charissa over at Highs and Ludlows, who writes about her life raising three girls (including one set of twins).  She loves me in real life and her blogs always make laugh, she is the craftiest person I know and she makes it all look easy.
• Shannan over at Flower Patch Farmgirl, who writes about her life in the country, their journey God has called them to to simplify their life, and her three adorable children.  I cannot tell you enough how much you will enjoy her blog, she is the real deal when it comes to writing, her pictures will make you want to go stay with her, and her style is enviable.  She also is a fellow adoptive mother and right now is doing a series on Tuesdays to tell their story, such good stuff!
• Pioneer Woman.  Ok, I know, everyone already knows who Pioneer Woman is and she would never know that I have bestowed this award on her seeing how she gets around 50,000 comments per post, but I love her, love her cooking, love her pictures, love her humor.
• Heather over at Sit a Spell, who writes about their new journey living and serving in Haiti, her passion for fair trade, living on less, healthy living, and serving God in every area of their lives.  Check her out she will challenge you in a good way.
• Emily over at in the hush of the moon, who writes beautiful, beautiful words everyday.  Her style always leaves me transported away to whatever place and time she is telling us about today.  She also started imperfect prose on Thursdays, check it out if you want to link up.

Ok so I think that does it, check some of these ladies out, many of them have become part of a community for me where I can be encouraged and lifted up, when I share a little back and forth with these women I remember that there are other people out there who are making these same life choices God has placed on my heart.

The problem with the phone

When we moved to this house last year and were not able to take our phone number with us, a phone number that had been mine for nine long years, that seemed to belong to me, like the numbers that make up my birthday or my social security number, it was decided we would be cell phone only people.  After all it would save us 250 dollars a year and we are if nothing else, frugal.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, most people know my cell phone number, or at least the ones I'd care to talk to.  Now of course it would require me to turn it on from time to time, keep it charged, and know where I put it.  But when it is your only means of communication with the outside world, those skills are easily acquired.

The problem it turns out with our grand plan, is not me, but the phone.  Or maybe I should say, it's not me, or the phone, it's the house, but since the house is not changeable, we'll go back to blaming it on the phone.  You see, the phone doesn't work in my house.  Yes, that's right my only phone in my house where I reside with a 4 year old, 2 year old, and soon an infant, doesn't like my house.

When I'm out and about it works great, gives me no trouble, but here in my house it requires a strange dance of me trying to locate a sliver of space where it will receive service.  I have located two reliable places, now let me say, those places are very small, as in I lean to the left or right and I start to hear the, "hello...hello"s.

So are you getting the picture, someone calls me, I walk to my one spot where the phone works where the children are still in view and I stand very still.  Kylynn starts playing with things she's not suppossed to be touching, Jack starts screaming just for the fun of it, they turn into little monsters, because somewhere in their subconcious, they've noticed when Mommy's on the phone in this house, she cannot move.  We can be as bad as we want because apparently talking on her phone makes her feet become glued to the floor, they don't know why, but they know it works to their advantage.

The worst part is, besides the crazed children, is that I cannot get anything done while I'm on the phone now, which means I always feel like I need to get off asap.  Previously I would love talking on the phone because I had the ability to get a couple chores crossed off my list, while never fully realizing I was doing them.  Unfortunately now I'm always fully present while I magic eraser my walls or dust my furniture, which probably explains why I put it off for so long.

So maybe we need to go back to the drawing board on the whole idea of only have cell phones, but until then, if I miss your call or take a while to call you back, don't think it's because I don't want to talk to you, it's just that sometimes it takes my phone a few days to tell me I've missed a call, seriously.