If it's not a drunk driver, it's a tornado...

we were parked about 15 feet in front of this grain elevator during the tornado

This is going to sound like I'm making this up and frankly it feels too big for me to talk about, but it must be said, I owe it to God to testify of how He provided. Last week we left for our family vacation to the beach and on that day we survived being hit by a drunk driver (unfortunately our car was not so lucky) and a tornado, 8 hours apart, in the same day.

When I went back a few days later and looked over our car with the mechanic I kept looking at that seat where my oldest sat, looking at the damage all around her and yet she was not harmed, I was so humbled by God's goodness and His mercy, I can't quite comprehend how it is that people live through things like this everyday and manage to remain turned away from God.

The tornado, well, it seems like a really bad dream, after the accident when we finally got back on the road we drove through horrible storms, and suddenly the storm became something more. When Kyle sent me the report that confirmed that indeed the most terrifying 20 minutes of my life, was us sitting inside of an actual tornado, I felt like it must change me.  Can I live through something like that and be the same person as I was before? So I'm trying, to remember what He spoke to me after the calm that finally came, I am not in control, not now, not ever, and that is okay. My God is bigger than the storms of this world and He never lets me out of His hands.  It calms me when I allow life to become bigger than it is, to remind myself that God was there in the storm, that He allowed this to happen and nothing was ever out of His control.  If I can trust Him in that moment then I think I can trust him with the broken car moments of this life.

we got to see a turtle rescue group release the turtles back into the ocean, totally made me cry :)

We made it to the beach, about 11 hours after we left for it, grateful for the things that really matter in life, with a different perspective on life around us. God provided a woman who made it her job that day to take care of us, providing us with food and entertainment for our kids and a way to work things out, a man who had never met us to happily drive us an hour away to borrow a car from family willing to sacrifice for our vacation. I have never felt so cared for, so much a part of something bigger than myself.

From then on out it was just a great vacation, hanging out on the beach, playing in the pool, visiting the aquarium and eating yummy food. Kyle got up with the kids every single morning, and each day there was a breakfast waiting for me. I never spent a moment worrying about what was waiting us when we returned, I just relaxed, and enjoyed, and mostly stopped to pay attention to what was going on around me, to pause long enough to say thank you.

Learning to parent, the hard way

For the past three weeks (I cannot believe it's been three weeks since my last post!) I have emerged myself in all things parenting, all things parenting differently than I had been.  I took what I'd read from the first 100 pages or so of Parenting... and the first 30 pages of The Connected Child, mixed them with about 8 minutes of a parenting coach's advice (thanks Shannan!) and came out with my new made up way to try and do something different, anything different really, it was time to make some changes around here, something had to give.

Then I began to ask for prayer, I asked my bible study to pray for me, I asked my church to pray for me and may have even have received some prayers from some of you sweet people out there, because if there is one thing I know it is this: I cannot do anything worth doing out of my own strength.  I have felt those prayers this week in such a big way, and that, more than anything I have done that has given me such hope.  I'm still not entirely sure what I'm doing, am sure that books should probably be read all the way through, and know that I could benefit from a lot more than 8 minutes of parenting coaching, but I see God at work in our family right now and there's nothing that makes me more excited than watching God work.

I had a lot of room for improvement when it came to the way I parent my children.  One of the biggest blessings in this challenge God is leading me through is this: if I had birthed all three of my children, I doubt that I would ever have taken the time and energy to stop and take a good look at the way I mother my children.  To stop and pay attention to His small voice asking for something more from me.  I would have been okay with mediocre, with doing what everyone else does.  I would have continued to pat myself on the back that I really, really LOVE my kids and bonus I take them to ChickFilA, the library, the park, and fun trips all the time.

God has been nudging my heart for a very long time about my tendency to yell at my kids, my misaligned priorities (that say getting things done is more important than truly being with my kids), my justifying the wasting of time on pinterest/blogs/facebook, the perfection that often is the source of the decisions I make and the rules I impress on my (very young) children.  I didn't listen, I heard Him and I occasionally felt bad about it, but I never took significant steps to change my behavior.

And then one day I encountered such hurt and loss and anger in the actions of one of the loves of my life, that no matter how I tried (oh how I tried!) the status quo was not going to work anymore.  In fact my parenting was making things worse,  I finally gave up and was willing to try submitting to God's leading.

The funny thing is I always thought I was parenting the way a Christian mother should.  Discipline is my main game, I am consistent to a fault, if you do something wrong in my house, there is a consequence.  I spend countless minutes putting people in time out, disciplining them for screaming in time out/leaving time out, talking to them about why they were in time out.  I have taken everything out of one of my child's rooms for breaking one of their things (on purpose), I have had kids clean cars, pick up dog poop, skip activities, go to bed early, you name it I've tried it. But I have a secret, when I sin, I want grace, I want God to look at my heart and see that I was doing the best I could for the maturity I am at, I want Him to pick up the broken pieces and make everything better.  And He does.  My Daddy God, who is everything good, is slow to anger and quick to listen, He looks at my heart and His mercies are new every morning, He extends grace to me for so long before He disciplines.  And more than anything He desires a very real relationship with me, one He sacrificed everything to have with me.  I have never parented my children the way God parents me.

So I decided that it was time to give it a try, the first thing I did was gave up yelling, gave it up like the bad drug it was, oh don't worry I still fall off the wagon from time to time, but I feel like a new woman (mommy).  It's the coolest thing when you lower your voice when a child makes a bad choice and raise it when they make a good choice (this was my main take away from the parenting coach) two things are accomplished, you stop rewarding bad behavior and you stop getting angry.  Let me clarify, when my child is mad at me and pushes my buttons and I yell they are rewarded, they're game worked, that got the reaction they were going for and that reinforces the behavior.  And the bonus that I didn't expect, when I don't yell, I don't get angry, I feel so much calmer throughout the day.

The second thing I've been doing is so much harder, I began to actually pay attention to my children, each one, everyday.  Let me just continue my run for mom who makes all other moms feel better about themselves, until recently I never played with my children.  Okay I would play with them on occasion for a few minutes, but I wasn't really giving them all of my attention.  I had decided that I didn't really need to play with my children, after all I am with them every single moment of every single day :).  I do the dishes they play around me, I read a magazine they play outside, I drive them to some fun activity while I pretend to listen to their very long story, I talk to the other moms, while they do the fun activity.  Isn't that enough?  No, I've decided, it's really not.  My children need my real attention, they need me to look them in the eye, not glance at them while I'm on the computer and tell them to just wait one more quick minute.  They want me to get on the floor and play trucks or barbies and they need it just like they need healthy food.

This has been hard for me, first because I thought that playing with them wasn't "fun" and second because I thought I didn't have enough time.  And yet, the more time I spend truly playing with them, the more I enjoy it, the more I am amazed by their ideas, and their intelligence, by their hearts and their fears.  When it comes to time, you have the time you have, it's up to you what you do with it, so I've stopped wasting so much of it.  I've been spending much less time on the computer, I haven't put on make up except for church in two weeks, and my house is perhaps messier than usual (not sure if that last one is possible).  I am convinced that if I will trust God with my time, give it all over to Him and honor Him in how I use it He will return it to me in abundance, He will accomplish what needs to be accomplished, I need only to obey.

And you?  How's it going, please keep up the great advice, I am certain I cannot do this on my own.

Finding out I don't know everything, the hard way

I've never told y'all this, but after we finished our home study to adopt Jack the social worker had the gall to tell us that she didn't think we were mentally prepared for International adoption and would not forward on our home study until we read this huge packet of training material.

Until about six months ago I thought that lady was a little high on her power and quite frankly confused.  See in case you don't know me in real life, I'm a really good mom, and we had parented for a whole year! before we began the process to adopt Jack.  You know basically we were experts and really how hard could this whole adoption thing be...ahem.

She was concerned that we didn't have answers for how we would raise him as Korean in an white family, how we would handle his questions about adoption, how we would help him navigate life as someone who is white on the inside, Korean on the outside, and constantly faced with the fact that he is different.

I read her dumb articles, mostly about children from orphanages (didn't apply to me), and children with attachment disorder (definitely didn't apply to me).  We moved forward and without trying I began to become educated on adoption, the orphan crisis, emotional problems adopted children face, what it's like to be an interracial family, and so on.  I read blogs mainly and learned from other's stories the reality of the life I was beginning.

But that is where my education ended, until I began the ultimate school of adoption, the day I met my son.  We came home and I saw that regardless of how much I loved him, his heart was broken on that day I took him from his foster mother.  Part of him was forever lost when I took him from his country, his language, his food, his world.  I was too tired to read the books then, so I prayed and I held him and I cried and we figured it out, it took a long time, but we were okay, or so I thought.

Then one day, my son began to cry and sob over the loss of his foster mother and his country.  He began to ask me daily to go back and see her, to see it.  I had no answers for him, I listen and I prayed but I didn't know how to help him heal.  I finally bought a book and began to read it, I finally understood that this path we're on goes on forever, that the loss he has had to face is not a thing of the past, but a part of who he is.

Today I saw a friend of mine and just dumped on her everything that we've been dealing with lately and she asked me how we've been handling it, and I told her the truth, I have no idea what I am doing.  She too is an adoptive mom and is dealing with many of the same issues, she told me about another book that she highly recommends (it was another one I thought didn't apply to me, I may never learn).  When I left everything in my life was just the same as it was when I walked into that room, but it made me better having a safe person to tell the truth to, someone to tell me that we're normal, and to help me find a way out of this.

I don't want to scare anyone out there out of adopting, no matter how hard it is, it will always be one the best things in my life.  But I do want to scare you a little, scare you enough to stop you from making the same mistakes I've made, to go into this process with more solutions and less pride.  Read the books, join the support group, find the right friends.  Other adoptive families will be your life line, if you don't know anyone else who's family looks like yours, walk up to strangers at the store and ask them to be your friend, if they're like me they will happily, because we've all been there.  Seek out friends of your children's race, bribe them with food, and have them in your home at least once a week, adopt grown up Korean people to go with your little Korean people :).

In the end remember that we are to do what is best for children, we are to read the books, and find the support, and parent them the way they need to be parented (not the way others parent their biological children), but most of all we are to pray.  To come before the Lord and lay it all at his feet and tell him that there is not a thing in the world I can do to fix this mess that is adoption.  Trust Him with the answer, trust Him to make us all better, trust Him that He has already overcome the world and it's problems.  The fact that love covers a multitude of sins is perhaps the sweetest promise to me today.



The two books I am currently reading in this journey are Parenting Your Internationally adopted child and The Connected Child

Lying, the Olympics, and the scariest moments in my life

*I know I know, I said I would be blogging more often, but I lied.  Who am I kidding, if I finish my "must do" chores by 9 at night it feels like an awesome day.  And for some reason I can't write then, my brain is just too tired and only wants to lay on the couch and veg.  Someday I will have more time, someday my days will look different....

*We got back from camping this afternoon.  I will do a post on it with pictures but to sum it up, it was a great trip.  It was our favorite park we've camped at yet, we got to hang out with some of our friends who now live in another town, the weather was actually cool and it didn't rain on us!

*What is with Parenthood having they're season finale in February, I mean really folks it is harsh to just leave us hanging for six months, aren't they afraid we'll forget all about them and move on to bigger and better TV?  Don't worry I would never do that

*I finished Lost did I tell you yet?  Best TV show I've ever watched, hands down.  Was I disappointed with the ending?  Sure a little but how could you not be disappointed with a show that out there when they try to wrap it all up?  I think next on my list of shows is Downton Abbey on PBS, I'm hoping against hope Kyle will watch it with me.

*Ooh, I saw Hunger Games, speaking of Kyle.  He went with me, we went to a 10:35 showing once our kids were in bed when we were home for Easter (free babysitting).  We go on a date about 5 times a year so the excitement of being at a movie theatre! with Kyle! alone! (for reals y'all we were two of four in the theatre) kept me awake.  LOVED it so much and one of the best moments of my life, (I wish I was exaggerating but I'm not) Kyle loved it too!

*I cannot tell you how many major throw down tantrums we've had in this house in the past two weeks, and some of them were even by the kids :).  No really I'm so tired, I've started trying to head off certain children when I can tell they're thinking of taking that route, I don't want to give in to them, but I also don't have an hour to waste dealing with the tantrum, so I give an extra warning or two and pray they'll make a good choice.  I'm a little afraid though they can sense my fear :).

*We did celebrate Easter around here, we did a 12 day countdown to Easter, and of course lots of egg hunts, candy, and eating on the big day, and I have not a picture to show for it.  Probably the biggest reason I could see myself caving into the iphone pressure Kyle is laying on me is the connivence of having a decent camera with me at all times.  I mean I'm a blogger (or kind of) I need to remember to take pictures of things! :)

*The scariest moments of my life are when I have to walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night when we're camping.  No matter how little I drink I can't make it through the night.  So I walk alone in the dark in a place with wild animals, each and every night we camp.  My imagination is really too good.  I may or may not have ran as fast as I could a time or two to avoid imaginary creatures.

*Four months till the Olympics.  Do you think I'm weird that I'm counting down already, you don't know the half of it.  Tonight I realized that I get more excited when I remember that the olympics are in four months than I do when I remember that in two months I get to go on a vacation with my sisters (WITH NO CHILDREN!) for four days.  I think my love for the Olympics has gotten out of hand, just a tad. I wonder if I can get one of those countdown things for my blog yet...

Chloe,

You turned two last week, it was a week of celebrating you and what you mean to our family.  We celebrated your first birthday since coming home to us and then four days later we celebrated the day you became ours.

It has been a hard year for you.  You were fully aware that strangers had come over to your home and taken you from the family that had raised you since you were born.  Your loss has been so deep, but we have come so far together, just these past few months you have begun to seem happy, trusting, and at peace.

Isn't that just a mess, that you at the age of two have already experience more loss than I have in my entire life.  But this morning you insisted that you get back into bed with me and go "night night" just for the joy of being able to be snuggled by mommy, and I would have done it all day if school didn't beckon.  Somehow the mess has become joy (messy joy no doubt but still joy) and I will never find the bottom of my gratitude at getting to be your mommy.

You are two, like someone snuck you a copy of a parenting book and you memorized just how two year olds are to act, they could put your picture in the dictionary next to "two year old."  You believe that the biggest playgrounds were designed for your use (and your use alone).  That taking naps is something only the weak do, that throwing food is a fun pastime, and pulling hair should be an olympic event.

You are a talker, copying every word you hear.  You've begun to speak to us in long sentences, "Mommy all done, sticky hands, down please."  My friends without children laugh at how I can understand everything you say, so maybe I'm not the best judge but I think you speak so well.

I'm pretty sure you have 10 pairs of shoes, blame your big sister, they are all hand me downs, and back in the day she was all we had (and all the grandparents and aunts had :).  You have very strong feelings about shoes, some days are pink cowboy boots days (duh!) and some are slipper days (that would be crocs), but most days are any number of dress shoes, and if I'm lucky we get a tennis shoe day thrown in there from time to time.

For your birthday I made "Chick fila nuggets" and oven fries and gave you lots of ketchup.  Ketchup is your favorite food, I kid you not.  You had a Thomas cake, because you had stolen a thomas book from your brother's room and now ask every nap and night time for the "choo-choo" book.  You loved opening your presents and are very confindent that they are "mine" and enjoy playing with all of them.

For your gotcha day we went out for Korean food.  I made everyone dress up because it was a big day and you loved your Korean food.  I'm thinking that maybe your favorite food is actually rice.  Afterwards we went and walked around (Texas A&M's) campus because it's just what we do and it was time we let you in on the tradition.  You loved running around after your brother and sister and I prayed a little prayer that someday that space of earth would mean as much to you as it does to me.

You are my baby girl.  The one I never thought I would have and didn't know I needed.  Your smile makes our family brighter, your laughter is a joy we waited so long for, we are so glad that you are here, that you are ours, that we get to figure out being a family together.

For her biggest fans (also known as grandparents) some videos:

Heart for Orphans Guest series

I'm super excited that today a post I wrote is being featured over at Christian Alliance for Orphans' blog, Heart for Orphans Guest series.  I love the work that the Christian Alliance for Orphans does and someday hope to be able to attend one of their Summit conferences (for information about attending this year's conference, Summit VIII, and what it's all about you can go here).

It is an honor to have something I wrote associated with this ministry that mirrors my heart for the least of these, I hope you will click on over there and check it out, and while you're there check out some of the previous blog posts featured over there, I'm sure they will encourage and inspire you as much as they did me.

Dead animals and Live ones!

Spring breaks should always go out in a bang, something to get you through those last two months of school until the summer gets here and life is just one big spring break.

So for our last day of spring break, we headed over to Waco and was pleasantly surprised at just how much there is to do there, we had a hard time choosing.  But in the end the animals won out, and to be fair to all animals we visited the dead one and the live ones (we are very equal opportunity around here).

this lady agreed to take our picture and then snapped it before saying anything to warn us, so here we are...

We stopped at the Mammoth exhibit that opened a few years ago, first and found it fascinating!  It is the only place in the world where you can see a herd of mammoth bones (or something like that).  They found the bones with the mommy mammoths surrounding their children to try and protect them for the flood/mud slide that killed them.  This made me happy to know that although extinct mammoths were really good mommies.

Jack was a little troubled by the whole mammoth experience though, it seemed to connect the dots in his head that things die, we will die someday, that seems scary.  We talked about how we will go to heaven when we die and it's ok to find the whole thing scary.  He's still got death and giant animals on the mind though.  A couple of days ago he asked me what used to be where our house was before there was a house and then if a giant dinosaur would knock our house down with his tail someday(??).

We really enjoyed the exhibit though and definitely recommend it should you find yourself over that way.  I will warn you it is small, it's just the dig site, but I suspect someday when they're able to raise the money they will add a museum.  Kylynn totally digged it (hah!) and asked the tour guide all kinds of questions.

We then ate lunch at the Health Shack, which I think is supposed to be quasi famous, and been in Waco for over 60 years, but we all gave it a 2 out of 5 stars, it was ok but really not good enough to be worth the calories.

Next it was time for the zoo.  The zoo on spring break, you say, have you lost your ever loving mind, indeed we have.  We parked at some industrial site a few miles away and hiked on over there (this made me feel better about the whole lunch thing).  Even crowded I do love Cameron Park zoo.  It is just big enough and has ever animal you could want to see.

I was a little troubled this visit by this lion who seemed very sad that no matter how loud he roared at that little girl she never did get scared.  Later we saw a leopard in a very small "cage" that had anxiety problems and couldn't stop pacing even for a moment.  I won't get into an animal rights debate but it did make me sad to see how obvious it is that these animals were never meant to be caged and it made me think about what our responsibility is for the way we care for animals (big thoughts I know!) :).

All that aside, we had a wonderful day, God went before us and prepared the way, we got done with the zoo exactly at closing time and every child was happy as pie.  We headed over to Jason's deli for dinner and I declared it the best salad place ever.  I'm sorry Souper Salad, but you are never going to make it if you cannot do better, you should have the best salad bars, it's in your name!

The kids crashed as we drove home and I got to have an hour and half un-interupted conversation with my love, are you kidding me!!  Talk about going out with a bang!  It was a spring break to remember for sure.

*no we did not have spring break again this week, yes I am a week late with this post